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We are all just energy floating about the universe but you still need to use your turn signal motherfucker.
I am ashamed of who Netflix thinks I am.
"If you need me, I'll be over here wondering why my career's stalled out while dicking around on the internet." - Everyone
Sucks how Scientology made believing in aliens sound crazy.
Before this goes any further I want you to know I'm not naturally bald on my legs.
I always read "Sent from my iPad" as "Sent from my champagne-filled Lamborghini!"
Weird. Facebook just told me I'd reached my maximum number of Joshes.
If I don't have eyelash extensions and nail art am I a man?
The only thing that would make True Detective better is if it could reach out and choke me a little bit.
Matthew McConaughey is like thank god now I get to chill and make Magic Mike 2.
Nelson Mandela died today & every person I pass in the streets of Los Angeles has a look in their eyes that says, "is this scarf too much?"
Whenever I see an Hasidic Jewish man I want to tickle him until reggae music comes out.
"I watched an entire season of Breaking Bad in one sitting" is the new being chubby to prove your wealth and prosperity.
Here's to waking up in the morning and punching death in the face one more time.
I wish I loved anything as intensely as Tom Cruise loves eye contact.
I smell french toast for no reason. Might be having a sassy, hyper-sexual stroke.
Stand-up without laughs is just an aggravated, drunken TED talk with a ravaged hairdo.
Genius trapped in the brain of an ideot. http://www.emilymayamills.com