We are all just energy floating about the universe but you still need to use your turn signal motherfucker.

Just ate a bat sandwich at a bearded vegan orgy. #fakesxsw

Sucks how Scientology made believing in aliens sound crazy.

"If you need me, I'll be over here wondering why my career's stalled out while dicking around on the internet." - Everyone

I always read "Sent from my iPad" as "Sent from my champagne-filled Lamborghini!"

If I don't have eyelash extensions and nail art am I a man?

Only Daniel Day Lewis can turn the play-off music into a moody score. #GoldenGlobes

I am ashamed of who Netflix thinks I am.

Whenever I see an Hasidic Jewish man I want to tickle him until reggae music comes out.

"I watched an entire season of Breaking Bad in one sitting" is the new being chubby to prove your wealth and prosperity.

Here's to waking up in the morning and punching death in the face one more time.

I smell french toast for no reason. Might be having a sassy, hyper-sexual stroke.

What came first, The Dude or dudes who look like The Dude?

I love how when I go over to a more accomplished friend's house, it always smells like fresh baked cookies and freedom from inner demons.

I really want to buy this pack of gum but this liquor store owner won't tell me where he stands on gay marriage so we're just sitting here.

Sometimes I need something heavier than a sheet or a blanket on top of me to sleep. Like gravy.

Newt Grigich has dropped out of the presidential race to focus on being a pile of pizza dough with shifty eyes.

I wish my grade school teachers could see how much better I've gotten at hardcore spacing out.

I thought about going to see The Great Gatsby but I just ate a kaleidoscope and tied a plastic bag around my head instead.

Some say love, it is a river. Others say it is a ton of pasta and consistent, repetitive arguments with someone fuckable.