That person apparently gets to take home a man named "Gorden Globe." Lucky! #goldenglobes

I really wanted that Fiat ad to be for Rosetta Stone.

Hit me up if you want a bunch of expired Midol! #cleaning #packing #moving #hoarding

I definitely feel like I know what it's like to be in a bar fight, now that I've so violently scratched my face while blow drying my hair.

Wait. So are we, as a people, NOT afraid of North Korea? I need to know where to set my paranoia meter. #homemade #pinterest

I'm pretty sure everyone around me is aspiring to be thin enough to wear non-shirts and non-pants.

Kind of needing Pandora to stop playing Coldplay on *all* of my stations. I've said nothing positive to them (it?) about Coldplay.

C'mere, you watery coffee shop oatmeal! Get over here and gimme a hug! You had so much potential. Go enjoy your 2nd study hall of the day.

Text from Mom: "Why can't Lena walk?" Maybe my mom should've accompanied Lena to DSW, too. #cantwalkinemcantbuyem

@billydomineau But they do understand, "Some nights I wish that this all would end." Too well.

WE STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE NAMED HER BABY AND SHE HASN'T LET IT SLIP AND THAT'S WEIRD. #adele #goldenglobes

I think I'd be really into football if the players had to periodically enter a confession booth. #skolischewingtobacco

"This is 40" was great. Thanks for the laughs and glimpse into my potential future, @lesliejmann , @maudeapatow , @perlapell !!!

The female leads were great in The Hobbit!

I feel bad!! RT@frontiercare: @emilyrschmidt Yes, I can assure you we are a real airline! Is there anything that I can help assist you with?

If popcorn as a meal is wrong, I don't wanna be right!!! Wait, I mean "poor."

@annadrezen People have thought I have an intentionally food-themed Twitter, so...I know that apparently fine line.

I'm wearing weather-appropriate clothes and sipping tea, so NO, I don't feel bad about the empty Wendy's Frosty cup in my car.

@billydomineau Trick question. You just mentioned the Olsen twins and...the Olsen twins.

@bowenyang* just casually stated, "Hell is other people," and it made everything make sense. I'm making beer cozies. *Sartre