Love is being a wallpaper on someone's phone.

My annoying neighbor called me at 4 am. Luckily I was still up playing my trumpet.

Donated blood today. One lucky person will wake up from an operation with the sudden ability to read 3000 tweets per hour.

I killed a spider with a book. It was by Paulo Coelho; I just read him the first paragraph.

'McDonalds is the biggest sponsor of the 2012 olympic games'. We've officially reached the point where satire doesn't need punchlines.

I'm too sensitive to watch MILF porn. I worry about who's looking after the kids.

Warning: Warnings are so retarded. Like on this deodorant 'Avoid contact with eyes.' Too late, I've already seen it.

Roses are red, violets are yellow, lilacs are cyan, carnations are rainbowish, this LSD pill is lovely.

Money can't buy happiness. Money can buy an Aston martin; then you can drive faster towards not finding happiness.

Fuck, I've woken up in the wrong life again.

Do kittens shit on your hand if you wear them as a watch? Asking for a friend. Seriously, I'm looking for a friend; I need a friend.

The number of pull-ups you can do is the number of times you can change your mind when hanging off a building feeling suicidal.

Words are so powerful; but I never have time to write on my fists before a fight.

Have to tweet. The universe won't expand itself into nothingness on its own.

Unless I'm in prison, it's not really cute when you finish my sentences.

She kept saying "Stop Smoking! It kills your sense of taste" Until I realized, while kissing her, she's wearing white jeans and pink Crocs.

"Hydrogen peroxide found in space"
Final proof that the universe is a dumb blonde.

My super power is invisibility. But it only works when I'm standing at a bar trying to order a drink.

Teach a man to watch television and he'll find the fishing channel.

If you live alone in a big house, keep it warm by writing the word 'Love' on the floor in Vodka and setting it on fire.