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  • emmets
      Emmet @emmets

    Oh God I have a raging boner.

    Just kidding. My boners are full of love.

    • 9
    • FAVS
    carlosdavilaalltoovivid______joeydivitofinikkialinasmithbjornkrieatfoss
  • emmets
      Emmet @emmets

    Hey, vegetarians, could you please get off your high horse?

    Because I'd really like to eat it.

    • 7
    • FAVS
    alltoovivid______vitoniclasrafitorresMrs_Happy_Pantsnicolel_Writepop
  • emmets
      Emmet @emmets

    If I had a nickel for every time I found a nickel, I'd have INFINITE NICKELS OH NOOOO.

    • 6
    • FAVS
    degoldhaberiamluckeyben_briggsericafleming_______________________________________bjornkribenmarvin
  • emmets
      Emmet @emmets

    Turns out there's a limit to how many packs of Sweethearts you can eat by yourself without crying and that limit is 1.

    • 6
    • FAVS
    Mrs_Happy_Pantsbillbarolvitokariedwards______xisforxmenkatefeetie
  • emmets
      Emmet @emmets

    So I've heard about yelling "fire" in a crowded theatre. But I just yelled "buttsex" in a crowded theatre.

    Unexpected. Response.

    • 4
    • FAVS
    _loveclairesweatsinthecityatsirhcbenmarvin
  • emmets
      Emmet @emmets

    While most people name their fists Fury or FaceSmashDeluxe, I name mine Gladys and Edna to increase the embarrassment of my victims.

    • 4
    • FAVS
    Mrs_Happy_PantsPPfabulouskariedwards______mbaltaks
  • emmets
      Emmet @emmets

    Yeah great guys. Real considerate. Let's just put ALL the Bin Laden body doubles out of work.

    • 3
    • FAVS
    marilynnspaethfnereidacoroemelclaricevolkmann
  • emmets
      Emmet @emmets

    And there he stood in the produce section, nude, organic Danjou pear in hand, screaming with all his might, "WHO'S THE FRUIT NOW, DAD?!"

    • 3
    • FAVS
    doublejacknicolel_Writepop
  • emmets
      Emmet @emmets

    Congratulations, Plaid Sport Coat Man. You took the emblem of douchebags and crossed it with the hipster.

    You win. Have an ironic popsicle.

    • 3
    • FAVS
    kariedwards______alinasmithPorto_Rock________
  • emmets
      Emmet @emmets

    Look, this heart-to-heart talk is great, but let's cut the shit and get to the mouth-to-boob conversation.

    And THAT'S how I win the ladies.

    • 3
    • FAVS
    kariedwards______imabuddhatoomuchnick
  • emmets
      Emmet @emmets

    Whenever I see somebody with a bat, I worry that they'll hit me and it'll hurt and candy will fall out and I'll discover that I'm a piñata.

    • 2
    • FAVS
    _loveclairedegoldhaber
  • emmets
      Emmet @emmets

    Dear douchebag eating out with his family but still wearing a fucking earpiece: you're not promoting much synergy with your three kids.

    • 2
    • FAVS
    carlosdavilamsteciuk
  • emmets
      Emmet @emmets

    Hey dude carrying the huge boombox through Times Square? The 70s called and I couldn't even hear them over the 50 Cent you were blaring.

    • 2
    • FAVS
    Writepopbenmarvin
  • emmets
      Emmet @emmets

    Hey ASSHOLE. I was going to park there. Yeah. Guess I'll... Guess I'll go park SOMEWHERE ELSE.

    Sure showed that dick.

    • 2
    • FAVS
    thedayhascomesweatsinthecity
  • emmets
      Emmet @emmets

    I do kind of envy that tiny-headed man for the sense of accomplishment he must feel every time he finds a hat that fits.

    • 2
    • FAVS
    lisakisnicolel_
  • emmets
      Emmet @emmets

    Why is it that no matter how many times you fly, your plane still makes a noise you've never ever heard before?

    • 2
    • FAVS
    hannahhunt1OblongRobber
  • emmets
      Emmet @emmets

    All things considered, puke makes for great lube.

    • 2
    • FAVS
    alltoovivid______vito
  • emmets
      Emmet @emmets

    Does Rogaine Foam really work? I'm asking for my dog. I mean pubes.

    What?

    • 2
    • FAVS
    emckennakimproper
  • emmets
      Emmet @emmets

    In circumstances like these, you really have to admire the body's ability to discharge waste in so many varying consistencies and colors.

    • 2
    • FAVS
    d_g_kimproper
  • emmets
      Emmet @emmets

    Friend has been ending every song I sing with, "And my balls hurt" before saying, "Prophetic song!" and cockpunching me. Unsettling.

    • 2
    • FAVS
    _loveclairedavislove________
@emmets

@emmets

I do NOT know how to spell bouyant.