@emmyinabox's (Emmy) most faved Tweets...
I'm at my most attractive when I miss the straw by several inches and continue to grope around with my mouth for it, unsuccessfully.
Flattery will get you everywhere.
WHOA except there.
And there.
Not there either.
You know what, back up please.
WHOA except there.
And there.
Not there either.
You know what, back up please.
With no scale in the house for my suitcase, I created a suitcase Mii and gave it the Wii Fit Body Test.
My suitcase is way out of shape.
My suitcase is way out of shape.
A haiku, dedicated to my alarm clock:
*ahem*
If I ignore you,
Maybe you cease to exist.
...FINE I'M UP FUCK YOU.
*ahem*
If I ignore you,
Maybe you cease to exist.
...FINE I'M UP FUCK YOU.
I know you are there, elevator security camera. I know you are watching me and I do not care. That wedgie needed to be picked.
My wine professor just shushed me.
Apparently, giggling is not allowed. Being drunk is also not allowed.
Wine is SRS BIZNISS.
Apparently, giggling is not allowed. Being drunk is also not allowed.
Wine is SRS BIZNISS.
Oh hey guys. I just danced for 30 hours. We raised over $850,000!
Now if you'll excuse me, my pillow beckons.
Now if you'll excuse me, my pillow beckons.
My parents rented Secretary.
I can't decide which scenario is more awkward:
1) They know what it's about.
2) They're about to find out.
I can't decide which scenario is more awkward:
1) They know what it's about.
2) They're about to find out.
Did I say I had sixteen cookies? Sorry, what I actually meant was three. I have three cookies. And a stomach ache. Ow.
I just poked myself in the eye with a string cheese.
There are some things your day cannot recover from.
There are some things your day cannot recover from.
"Say Poughkeepsie."
"Skapipsee?"
"Poughkeepsie"
"Quapipskee?"
"Pa. Kip. See."
"Pipsqueak?"
Unlimited mimosa brunch is fun.
"Skapipsee?"
"Poughkeepsie"
"Quapipskee?"
"Pa. Kip. See."
"Pipsqueak?"
Unlimited mimosa brunch is fun.
You know how Superman had Kryptonite, and Dennis Rodman's career had ladies clothing?
I have Sour Cream and Onion chips.
I have Sour Cream and Onion chips.
Dear Horrid Wrong-Number Person: I don't think "Shari" would have appreciated it had you called her at 7:30am either.
Wither and die.
Wither and die.
My best friend's father just referred to a vagina as "that furry little hole."
I'm not quite sure where the conversation goes from there.
I'm not quite sure where the conversation goes from there.
No, I'm not crying about some fictional wizard being killed in some fictional movie based on a fictional book something's in my eye shut up.
16
Attn Men: Watching The Lion King on Broadway has ruined regular humans for me. If you want me, become a multicolored acrobatic lion please.
16
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