I'm at my most attractive when I miss the straw by several inches and continue to grope around with my mouth for it, unsuccessfully.

Flattery will get you everywhere.
WHOA except there.
And there.
Not there either.
You know what, back up please.

"Hot Pockets are the only food you can regret eating before you eat it. Pregret, if you will."

With no scale in the house for my suitcase, I created a suitcase Mii and gave it the Wii Fit Body Test.

My suitcase is way out of shape.

I know you are there, elevator security camera. I know you are watching me and I do not care. That wedgie needed to be picked.

A haiku, dedicated to my alarm clock:

*ahem*

If I ignore you,
Maybe you cease to exist.
...FINE I'M UP FUCK YOU.

If 69 is a sexual position, then 169 is the saddest threesome ever. #wayback

What is the correct Advil dosage to induce a hysterectomy?

My wine professor just shushed me.

Apparently, giggling is not allowed. Being drunk is also not allowed.

Wine is SRS BIZNISS.

My parents rented Secretary.
I can't decide which scenario is more awkward:
1) They know what it's about.
2) They're about to find out.

My best friend's father just referred to a vagina as "that furry little hole."

I'm not quite sure where the conversation goes from there.

I'd tell Delta to go straight to hell, but they would have a two hour layover in Atlanta anyways.

Oh hey guys. I just danced for 30 hours. We raised over $850,000!

Now if you'll excuse me, my pillow beckons.

Did I say I had sixteen cookies? Sorry, what I actually meant was three. I have three cookies. And a stomach ache. Ow.

"Say Poughkeepsie."
"Skapipsee?"
"Poughkeepsie"
"Quapipskee?"
"Pa. Kip. See."
"Pipsqueak?"

Unlimited mimosa brunch is fun.

I just poked myself in the eye with a string cheese.

There are some things your day cannot recover from.

You know how Superman had Kryptonite, and Dennis Rodman's career had ladies clothing?

I have Sour Cream and Onion chips.

Dear Horrid Wrong-Number Person: I don't think "Shari" would have appreciated it had you called her at 7:30am either.
Wither and die.

No, I'm not crying about some fictional wizard being killed in some fictional movie based on a fictional book something's in my eye shut up.

Attn Men: Watching The Lion King on Broadway has ruined regular humans for me. If you want me, become a multicolored acrobatic lion please.