Consider this: It's illegal to yell "FIRE!" in a crowd of people, but it's not illegal to yell "JUSTIN BIEBER!" in a crowd of teenage girls.

"I get along with guys way better than girls." - Every girl ever

I pride myself in knowing all Disney songs except those in SLEEPING BEAUTY, because, let's be honest, that movie is scary as shit.

Considering making an anonymous Twitter profile so I can make fun of people and be as obscene as I want.

1: Buy tons of groceries
2: Eat out for every meal
3: Throw away spoiled groceries
4: Repeat

We fought today because he says I act like an old lady. Now I'm crying over a bowl of Cream of Wheat and watching gameshow clips on YouTube.

Why is it called 'mincemeat' if there's no meat in it?

Bought a small glass bottle of locally-bottled milk and drank half of it before realizing it was half-and-half. #supportlocalfarmers

Just saw @zodiac_mf trying to travel incognito on the train, but he just scared everybody. http://t.co/mizmCyKx

Apparently I have to choose between having all the best jokes on twitter or not getting married.

I'll have to get back to you on that one.

Sometimes I feel really down about my life, but then I just get on Facebook.

.@tigranmimosa your show at @websterhall was dope but WHERE WAS THAT BASS??

Tragedy: http://t.co/vhKn6PA

Totally! Thomas Hobbes? Darwin? Einstein? Twain? Bertrand Russell? What idiots!

RT @therealmarymiz: Atheists are dumb fucking dumb fucks

eBay I promise you, when I search "vintage" I'm not looking for underwear.

 http://www.furia.com/misc/genremaps/engenremap.html …

Can't. Stop. Clicking.

Irony: http://t.co/2y1UxVw

Saw a Banksy work today! http://t.co/8Q688YK

Look, I just wanna know if Aaron Paul was born with his nose that perfect.

Uh...we're in Brooklyn. http://t.co/isqelLH