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I bet Yoko Ono goes to Best Buy some days just to break up the kids playing Beatles Rock Band.
They have sushi at 7-11. Your move, Surgeon General.
Twitter wants me to follow David Copperfield. If he was really that talented a magician he’d just show up in my timeline with no explanation
I will forever call the Country Music Television channel Hickelodeon.
If your name is "Bambi" you’re either going to end up a stripper or strapped to the hood of someone’s car. It’s science people.
I don't care if the carpet matches the drapes, ladies. I'm not an interior decorator; I'm just horny.
When McDonald's has the Monopoly game, I dress up as the Monopoly guy and when people get napkins I whisper "You'll never get my railroads."
Mr. Belvedere was such an awesome butler that they named a vodka after him. That's pretty baller for a housekeeper.
The NFL is back, so all those people that drink heavily on Sunday can stop being called alcoholics and go back to being called football fans
I took two Adderall and drank four Red Bulls this morning and now I understand how a flux capacitor works.
Speak softly and carry a big stick? Why not just carry a gun and talk as loud as you want?
Because of gas prices, the Motor Trend Car of the Year for 2011 is walking.
I had chocolate ice cream for dinner tonight and I'd like to think that somewhere 5-year-old me is giving current me a standing ovation.
The hardest part of quitting smoking is finding places to bury the bodies of the people that cut you off in traffic.
What if Gary Busey is right about everything? That keeps me up at night. It's also why I bought a gun.
When the lady at the DMV asked me if I wanted to be an organ donor, I said, “Yes. But only my penis.” I get to walk everywhere now…
I'd be grouchy if my friends came by but nobody said "Hey, Oscar, wannna crash on my couch so you don't have to live in a fucking trashcan?"
I'm working on producing the Broadway show CATS with actual cats. And the cats have on cat costumes because I want it to look realistic.
I hear Monopoly just got a major makeover. I assume now when you buy property, it loses half its value after you pass "Go" three times.
I just got ejected from a Foot Locker by a guy in a ref's uniform cause I picked up my 2nd technical for elbowing a customer in the larynx.
I'm a somewhat inebriated detective. I carry a Colt 45 and have Mad Dog 20/20 vision...I sometimes write comedy things for comedy places you've heard of.