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I haven't learned moderation yet, but I have learned how to do things hungover.
Maybe, nice guys finish last because they let the girls come first.
Getting a girl a candle basically says you can't be bothered to learn anything about her except that she has a vagina.
The fact that scented tampons exist and meanwhile all the inventions from Willy Wonka are still fictional makes me hate science.
Basically the whole point of Facebook is so you can see if you're prettier than your ex's new girlfriend.
Sorry we lost touch, it's just that your life is depressing as hell.
If my consumption of orange tic tacs is an indicator, I should never try coke.
Being upset over being upset over something. Guys, re-read that a few times, then be glad you don't have a vagina.
him: "It's environment-friendly"
me: "You'd fuck a hole in the ozone for a dollar"
I'm done writing sentences, that wins forever.
Your fedora & skinny jeans are telling me you should just go home & jerk off, because no one will ever love you more than you love yourself.
I commonly misspell genius.
I attribute this to my overwhelming need to be modest.
You know what never gets old? BEING RIGHT.
Just once, I'd like to learn something the easy way.
That weak handshake is basically a guaranteed limit to the rest of our physical contact.
"Elizabeth, are you laughing or crying?"
"Um, which is more professional?"
"When all else fails, try slow circles" would be the best fortune cookie ever.
People who pretend not to care are the most fun to mock for real.
Just uncapped 6 Sharpies to find the one with the nicest point.
I am single, why do you ask?
I kind of want to tell that girl that hair like that is like wearing a t-shirt that says "I came a lot last night & it was awesome"
i drink beer. and wear a watch.
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