The good news is I won the pillow fight with my sister. The bad news is the pillow broke and there are nickels all over the place.

I don't need to drink to have a good time.

I need to drink so I don't realize I'm having a miserable one.

I own a lot of books so if I ever bring a girl back to my place she won't get bored.

If I ever have a bail hearing, I'm going to wear a penguin suit so the prosecutor looks like an IDIOT if he calls me a flight risk.

The kid who lost a testicle in gym class asked me for a pen, so I told him he could use my Uniballer. That's how I almost died in 9th grade

People in Plexiglas houses are brilliant. They can throw whatever the hell they want.

Dear Waffles,
Don't write about calcium and vitamins on your box. Simply write "Waffles inside" and I will buy you and love you.

Add Dexter to the list of shows that make me want to be a serial killer; 3rd right behind Sex and the City and Desperate Housewives.

You think the MJ coverage has finally stopped, then you walk in the bathroom and BAM! - A Man in the Mirror.

I wish pizza delivery was done by fat chicks so I could tip them in pizza slices and my girlfriend wouldn't try to hook up with them.

I think Fergie must have microwaved a Barbie doll for several minutes and then decided "this is what I want to look like"

I've gotten a lot smarter and more mature since I was 8. I bet I could build a ridiculously awesome blanket fort now.

I put my pants on the same way any other Twitter user does: One leg at.. haha.. none of us wear pants.

Here I've been finishing last and assuming it's because I'm such a nice guy. Apparently, not only am I a jerk, I'm also really slow.

I'm going to pick up heavy drinking, smoking, and other risky behaviors to lessen my chances of being murdered by an organ harvester.

I hate when you need to use Google at work and then all of a sudden it's 3 hours later and you're an expert on Peter Frampton.

My psychiatrist told me I need to be more social, so expect a lot more @ replies henceforth. I assume that's what she meant.

Mike completed the quiz "Who's Your TWiLiGHT Soulmate?" with the result "We're not sure, but it's definitely a dude."

There are two girls in the coffee shop bashing economics. But they're ugly, so I don't care what they think. No one does.

Freud said sexuality is the motivator for virtually every action people take. He probably just said it to get laid, though.