"You know where you are? You're at McDonalds baby, you want some friiiiiies?" - Axl Rose, September employee of the month.

You shit yourself twice in one day at work and suddenly you're "that guy who shit himself twice in one day at work"

You had me at "various dipping sauces"

"Then why do they call it a MANicure?!" I sob as I wipe the tears from my face with my newly bedazzled, fuschia painted fingernails.

Just had sex with a loaf of bread, now I have a yeast infection. I just hope the baby isn't born inbread, or we'll end up eloafing.

Tried to pick a booger off my phone screen. Ended up calling my mom, signing up for AOL and getting an online degree in refrigerator repair

"What are your 4 best features?" She asked seductively. "My chins" I replied as tears poured down my chocolate cake stained cheeks.

I just saved a ton of money by buying a can of Febreze instead of a washing machine.

Some people said "hey eric10F, maybe you shouldn't drink on a Wednesday" and I replied "hey, fuckface, maybe I don't know what day it is"

"Sir, I don't care if you brought your jukebox money, this is RADIO shack. The love shack is 15 miles down the road.. please put on pants"

"Thundercats, Thundercats, Thundercats Helloooooo! Is it me you're looking for?" - Lion-O Richie.

If there is ever a zombie apocalypse, I'd have a hard time telling the difference between a zombie, and a drunk girl in high heels.

If by 'raw dogging' you mean eat uncooked hot dogs alone in bed at night, then yes, I raw dog all. the. time.

After last night, my liver is so black that Tyler Perry just made a movie about it.

Apparently I got "DVR Harry and the Hendersons" drunk last night.

TONY is STARK naked because he forgot to IRON his clothes, MAN.

MARVEL at the shittyness of this tweet

I like my women like I like my comic books: rare, well inked, with plenty of issues.

(also: wrapped in plastic and stored in my closet)

Walked outside and 2 baby birds flew out from behind me.... I feel like a disney character.... an out of shape, hungover disney character.

Rappers are terrible with pets: the Baja Men let their dogs out, DMX never knows where his dogs are at, and Pitbull is awful.

Just made an ice cream sundae so big that Marc Summers appeared and said if I found the flag hidden in it, I'd win a pair of British Knights