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WHOA HOLD UP GUYS HEAR THAT SIREN MUST MEAN A REMIX IS COMIN ON GET READY oh wait that's an ambulance oh shit someone died guys stop dancing
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it's on.
Does anyone else worry about mini plastic tables they used to put on pizzas? It's like, why don't I see them anymore. Where are the tables
If twitter ever crashed and died, there would be people roaming the streets, yelling out one-liners and following each other in circles.
I used to wonder what it'd be like to read other people's minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I'm over it.
Sometimes I like to visit the accounts that retweeted me so I can see my tweet. It's like seeing an article get published, but more pathetic
I plan to be in movie about sewer pipes coming alive.
So I can have a dramatic close-up and deliver only one line:
"Shit just got real."
Cute guy smiled at me at the mall.
So I chased him down screaming "DO U THINK IM PRETTY?!"
But didn't ask him out 'cause I have self-control
I'm the Steven Hawking of mathematics, but only when his keyboard's broken.
In other words I just sit there and stare off into space.
I'M SLIM SHADY YES I'M THE REAL SHADY ALL YOU OTHA SLIM SHADYS stole my identity and racked up huge debt at Bath & Body Works plz stop ok :(
Thunder is just God bowling and using THE SKULLS OF MISBEHAVING CHILDREN AS BOWLING BALLS EAT ALL YOUR VEGGIES OR THAT'LL BE YOU YOUNG MAN
That's enough, guy carrying a basketball around the library. We get it, you don't belong here.
My boyfriend says the funniest things when we go out in public. Like "Why do you keep following me" and "I don't know you."
Sometimes when the waiter asks me what kind of dressing I want on my salad I say "awesome sauce" and just glare when he asks me to specify.
It's 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
If Snapple is "made from the best stuff on earth" then why is there no bacon-flavored Snapple?
You can tell a lot about a guy by how much Axe he wears.
For example, if he wears any Axe at all, he's a 13 year old boy.
Has anyone else noticed that there hasn't been a single white person in the past few McDonald's commercials?
College student & avid boycotter of walnuts. My mom reads everything I say on here.