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Important Historical Ages:
My guess is guys who say "bros before hos" aren't faced with that choice a lot.
The first rule of Hyperbole Club is the most amazing, complicated & breathtaking thing you will ever hear about in the history of the world
You shouldn't piss off anybody smarter than you.
It's "people WHO", not "people that."
Sext at 20: I have a huge cock and can go all night.
Sext at 40: I have a stable job and know where the clitoris is.
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
I'm glad that "Why do you push away the people you love?" isn't one of my Bank of America security questions.
"yeah of course I can paint your ceiling." Michelangelo scoffed to himself, "gonna paint a bunch of dudes with they dick outs on it tho"
My doctor said I had a vitamin D deficiency. I told him that he had no idea how much I needed the D...
If your girl starts a sentence with "I'm a grown ass woman", you're already fucked.
Can't even think about a cop yelling "SPREAD 'EM!" without a confetti cannon going off in my panties.
I can't seem to find the emoticon for "I want to fuck you up against the wall."
It's cute when boys try to get romantic and girls are all like, just shut up and give me the D.
FUN MATH FACT: based on my membership fees and the amount I've been to the gym, my last three workouts cost $493 each.
A real man will try and get to know you, before trying to sleep with you.
Nurse: Have you eaten anything in the last 8 hours?
Me: Just some PUSSSSAAAAYYY!
Me: No, I haven't.
Sometimes cake fixes everything....except diabetes. Cake will fuck up some diabetes.
If you can make me laugh, I don't care how big your dick is. As long as its big.
Guys can always tell I don't fake an orgasm by the way I scream YOU GET RIGHT BACK DOWN THERE AND KEEP FUCKING TRYING ASSHOLE!