If your girl starts a sentence with "I'm a grown ass woman", you're already fucked.

Can't even think about a cop yelling "SPREAD 'EM!" without a confetti cannon going off in my panties.

I can't seem to find the emoticon for "I want to fuck you up against the wall."

It's cute when boys try to get romantic and girls are all like, just shut up and give me the D.

FUN MATH FACT: based on my membership fees and the amount I've been to the gym, my last three workouts cost $493 each.

A real man will try and get to know you, before trying to sleep with you.

Nurse: Have you eaten anything in the last 8 hours?
Me: Just some PUSSSSAAAAYYY!
Nurse: ...
Me: ...
Nurse: ...
Me: No, I haven't.

Sometimes cake fixes everything....except diabetes. Cake will fuck up some diabetes.

If you can make me laugh, I don't care how big your dick is. As long as its big.

Guys can always tell I don't fake an orgasm by the way I scream YOU GET RIGHT BACK DOWN THERE AND KEEP FUCKING TRYING ASSHOLE!

I'm so single my porn is in a folder called porn.

The easiest way to meet girls is to catapult a garbage bag full of angry raccoons into a Forever 21 and hang out by the entrance

Kangaroos look like the type of motherfuckers that would wear overalls to a funeral.

I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a shopaholic that only buys alcohol.

My fucking camera won't stop ringing.

Mad props to people that can just let go of slang once it stops being cool. I'll be in the corner calling stuff hella tight.

"What do you mean the L in FML doesn't stand for leg?!!!

~ Dogs.

This Walmart needs a few black guys to soak up all these fat white chicks.

"What do we want?"
"A cure for ADHD!"
"When do we want it?"
"Squirrel!"

Neighbor asked if I knew anything about the clothes that were missing from his clothesline. I was so nervous I almost shit his pants.