I just logged in to see how drunk everyone thought Kid Rock was.

Sitting alone at this hotel bar til I realized my right hand ring is on my left hand. Shouldn't matter to guy I want, but I fixed it anyway.

I really only have to see myself naked once a day, but cake is always there.

I don't think it was a suicide; however, I do know that the Daddy Mac can make you jump.

That one tweet I thought of last night.

I own a vibrator. I just fixed my own garbage disposal. I'm thinkin it's finally time to become a lesbian.

All single guys have a bachelor o farts.

Haven't really been depressed or horny enough to write tweets lately.
Hey, give me my phone..... What the....

If you're lucky enough to ever get a gift from me you're also guaranteed a bonus of at least 37 dog hairs stuck to the tape.

First date:
Me: how many dick pix are in your phone?
Him: none
Relationship over cuz he's a big fat liar (also no dick pix made available)

Haven't heard about a stripper jumping out of a cake in awhile.

The weather report said I should get 3 to 4 inches tonight. That's better than what I have been getting, so I'll take it.

@dawsonmcpizza Probably won't be so "fresh" once you get here. Good try though.

I spend a lot of time hating being single until I cook a package of bacon and there's no one here.

Last night seemed like a great idea until today.

Fuck this, I'm growin a 70's bush.

I guess technically I *could* go eat worms, but then I'd have to get out of bed and that hasn't happened for weeks.

Just said, "I need to run the sweeper." Not sure if I'm in the Midwest or the 50's.

8 year old me would be so proud that right now my entire food supply consists only of girl scout cookies and cereal.

If anyone's looking to date me I'm the one sobbing by the Valentine's display at Walmart.