I just flew in from a thesaurus convention. And boy are my arms somniferous.

Girl asked

"May I have a cigarette?"

Me

"May I have your #?"

She gave me her #!

So I texted her

"Buy your own fucking cigarettes."

I bought myself an oscillating fan. Because I like to be comfortable. Twelve percent of the time.

Doing cocaine is like having sex with a prostitute. They both involve doing cocaine and having sex with a prostitute.

Having passionate sex with the person you love is the SECOND greatest feeling in the world. Just behind fucking the shit out of a stranger.

I don't believe in life after death.

I believe in life before death.

Sex is like life. If you're beautiful, you don't have to be that good at it.

Went to a psychic with my girlfriend. He said that we would have gullible children.

I don't fully trust the banks. I'm moving all of my money into Chipotle gift cards.

My favorite position is doggy style. Cause if I think of a joke, I can just write it on her back. If I time it right I don't even need a pen

I used to do a lot of acid & mushrooms. So for me, the grass was always purpler on the other side.

I asked my GF how many men she's had sex with. I know. Dumb move. But to her credit, she counted them off for me. One . . . Two . . . Many.

They say: "Pick your battles." I pick Bunker Hill. Now what?

Only 23 shopping days left to break up with your girlfriend.

Madonna 52, Super Bowl 46

I would like to take this opportunity to thank each & every one of the 857 women who have ever given me an orgasm. Without their knowledge.

I press the refresh button on Twitter like I'm a rat expecting more cocaine.

“I am not upset that you lied to me.

I am upset that from now on I cannot believe you.”

-Friedrich Nietzsche

“I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”

-Oscar Wilde

One night stands are like McDonald's fries. I know I shouldn't eat them, but sometimes, I can't help myself.