Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
I just flew in from a thesaurus convention. And boy are my arms somniferous.
"May I have a cigarette?"
"May I have your #?"
She gave me her #!
So I texted her
"Buy your own fucking cigarettes."
I bought myself an oscillating fan. Because I like to be comfortable. Twelve percent of the time.
Doing cocaine is like having sex with a prostitute. They both involve doing cocaine and having sex with a prostitute.
Having passionate sex with the person you love is the SECOND greatest feeling in the world. Just behind fucking the shit out of a stranger.
I don't believe in life after death.
I believe in life before death.
Sex is like life. If you're beautiful, you don't have to be that good at it.
Went to a psychic with my girlfriend. He said that we would have gullible children.
I don't fully trust the banks. I'm moving all of my money into Chipotle gift cards.
My favorite position is doggy style. Cause if I think of a joke, I can just write it on her back. If I time it right I don't even need a pen
I used to do a lot of acid & mushrooms. So for me, the grass was always purpler on the other side.
I asked my GF how many men she's had sex with. I know. Dumb move. But to her credit, she counted them off for me. One . . . Two . . . Many.
They say: "Pick your battles." I pick Bunker Hill. Now what?
Only 23 shopping days left to break up with your girlfriend.
Madonna 52, Super Bowl 46
I would like to take this opportunity to thank each & every one of the 857 women who have ever given me an orgasm. Without their knowledge.
I press the refresh button on Twitter like I'm a rat expecting more cocaine.
“I am not upset that you lied to me.
I am upset that from now on I cannot believe you.”
“I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”
One night stands are like McDonald's fries. I know I shouldn't eat them, but sometimes, I can't help myself.