cop told me "u can't drive alone in the carpool lane"....I said "check the trunk bitch"

If you Star-Fuck too many times, can you contract Twyphillis?

*Her: Where are you going? *Me: I don't know where. *Her: Don't end a sentence w/a preposition. *Me: I don't know where, bitch.

When are Hanson and Bieber gonna do a lesbian scene?

I bet Camels everywhere are pissed that it is now socially acceptable to make fun of their toes.

Q: Why don´t you see Penguins in Britain?
A: Because they´re afraid of Wales. (I am so lonely)

Turns out anything caused by "Ass to Mouth" isn't covered by my insurance plan.....shit.

Anybody wanna go halfsies on a baby?

People always ask me why I pay for sex....I'm just payin for the girl to be gone in the morning.

People w/Hard Rock shirts from exotic locations are just saying "I spent all my money on the fuckin' plane ticket"

I like hookin up w/girls with no teeth....cuz my "Friends with Benefits" package doesn't include dental.

Girls say "OMG the Sex was amazing I wanna marry him" clearly have no idea as to the relationship between sex and marriage.....

Is there anything hotter than a girl who loves star wars? (this tweet will only impress a small demographic but who gives a fuck)

I only screw while reading the 'Odyssey" or watching 'Troy': Homersexual

Dane Cook and Tyler Perry should fight to the Death...and the Winner also will get shot in the face.

@masquerage wow what a Cunt.......u think she thinks she's cool cuz she started giving handjobs and tanning at age 9? @ashleyheil2

Ok fuckers: The word is LOSE. That's to LOSE a follow. LOOSE: Your mom. And all her whoring ways. Learn the fucking language.

Fuck Take Kid 2 Work Day...I prefer "Leave early to pick up my fake kid from fake school day"

All your stars are really stimulating my Twitoris....

I love it when people scowl at me for smoking...enjoy that fucking McDonalds you just bought at the drive-thru in your Gay-Ass SUV punk!!