guys, i actually left the house today. small victories.

Just saw this vanity plate on aJag: "I DSRVT." I vmted.

I just paid my tuition bill. It had a comma in it. I want to die.

If I had to choose between $100,000 and string cheese right now, I would without hesitation say string cheese.

I wish empty pizza boxes were like starfish and just grew new pizzas for me to eat

Chris Harrison just said "supposably." I need to rethink some things here.

Goodnight, sweet prince. We had a hell of a year.  http://instagr.am/p/T_y6qWO7zl/ 

Well this string cheese binge is going pretty well today.

@fartsandwich That's INSANE. You sit on the couch to do that. Or in bed.

2008 might have been the best year ever, and that's solely because VH1 was still showing episodes of "The Pick Up Artist." Simpler times.

Getting to that part of the week where I spend too much time reminiscing about Pogs.

The theme of this week's Glee is weirdly cutting off songs and making me uncomfortable. Except every week's Glee does that second thing.

i think i want tim gunn to be my spirit animal.

Only I would drop my ipod in a glass of water right before getting on a plane. THIS IS A CATASTROPHE.

the thing that makes me most excited about jury duty tomorrow is that i'll get to meet chris o'donnell and gene hackman.

hey, places with free coffee: GET BIGGER CUPS. PEOPLE LOVE COFFEE. (i'm looking at you, jury duty.)

CANNOT stop watching the mr. show videos about mustardayonnaise, etc. http://bit.ly/UBkps

ROBERT GOULET IS ON THIS EPISODE OF JUST SHOOT ME.

The recipe I used to make hummus for book club tonight was most definitely a hate crime against hummus.

I'm happy I'm too dumb to be disingenuous.