I confused "your" and "you're" in a work document and now I have to burn the place down and create a new identity for myself. Again.

I really think my wife is overreacting to the fact that I taught the boy to call his pajamas "pajayjays."

Apparently some people are caught off guard when you walk out of the bathroom holding a brownie.

Taylor Lautner and Kristen Stewart have the cold, dead stare of early-onset Scientology.

Toddlers and cats both steal your stuff and hide it somewhere then forgot they hid it. But cats clean their own asses. Advantage: cats.

Wife: Shut the bedroom door.
Me: Are we gonna do it?
Wife: I meant shut the door with you on the other side.

I taught the boy to say "Boom Shakalaka" today. You call it the Terrible 2's. I call it a beautifully blank canvas.

Ever the optimists, BP have begun referring to the Gulf of Mexico as "half full."

Wife bought a frozen pizza with corn on it. This is why it's important to always keep a bag packed.

It's so adorable how you childless asswipes "make plans" and "go out" on Friday night.

Just once in my life I'd like to walk by a group of women and hear one of them tell her friends "I'd tap that."

Farrah and MJ are dead. Transformers is in theaters. It's like a serial killer is on the loose and won't stop until the '80s are dead.

There are two kinds of people in the world: those who add more paper when the printer is out of it and those who are terrible human beings.

Eight years into our relationship, there are three magic words I still love to tell my wife: please calm down.

America is like a disingenuous boyfriend who can't break up: It *cares* for us. It just doesn't *healthcare* for us.

G'n'R GPS: "You know where you are? You in the Wal-Mart parking lot, baby! You gonna diiiiiiiiiieeee!"

It's beautiful outside today. I should really get off the couch and surf the web on the front porch.

My son just peed into the toilet while standing up. If you'll excuse me, I seem to have something in my eye. I wish it was tears.

Pee on my Aeron chair once, shame on you. Pee on my Aeron chair twice, slightly used Aeron chair for sale.

My wife is a fantastic cook. I'll probably miss that the most when I leave her for a 20-year-old pilates instructor.