@essdogg's (Essex Mortimer Dogg) most faved Tweets...
Toddlers and cats both steal your stuff and hide it somewhere then forgot they hid it. But cats clean their own asses. Advantage: cats.
I taught the boy to say "Boom Shakalaka" today. You call it the Terrible 2's. I call it a beautifully blank canvas.
Farrah and MJ are dead. Transformers is in theaters. It's like a serial killer is on the loose and won't stop until the '80s are dead.
Just once in my life I'd like to walk by a group of women and hear one of them tell her friends "I'd tap that."
Eight years into our relationship, there are three magic words I still love to tell my wife: please calm down.
America is like a disingenuous boyfriend who can't break up: It *cares* for us. It just doesn't *healthcare* for us.
Pee on my Aeron chair once, shame on you. Pee on my Aeron chair twice, slightly used Aeron chair for sale.
Son: I want a burrito!
Me: What kind of burrito?
Son: A pancake burrito!
Confused toddler...or fast-food visionary?
Me: What kind of burrito?
Son: A pancake burrito!
Confused toddler...or fast-food visionary?
I am a dad.
Hath not a dad a beer belly?
If you give us raw hamburger, do we not grill?
If you pull our fingers, do we not fart?
Hath not a dad a beer belly?
If you give us raw hamburger, do we not grill?
If you pull our fingers, do we not fart?
Has anyone considered that it's not her milkshake that's bringing the boys to the yard but rather her vagina?
I dreamt last night that Tom Cruise was in a cult. I'm giving my subconscious a D- for Imagination on that one.
Me: Happy anniversary, sweetie. I'm very happy that you're my wife.
Wife: Thanks. I'm very happy for you, too.
Wife: Thanks. I'm very happy for you, too.
I've put up a favrd leaderboard in our bedroom. I haven't gotten any stars yet but I'm sure it's just...my wife just unfollowed me. Crap.
What everyone here on Twitter is trying to say, if you haven't caught on yet, is that your mom is a little slutty.
My wife wears my boxers to bed until I'm out of clean pairs but I start wearing her panties in retaliation and *I'm* the freak.
"Scrub your neck."
"No!"
"Your arm."
"No!"
"Your fingers."
"No!"
"Your other arm."
"No!"
"Your other fingers"
"OK"
Parenting = Persistence
"No!"
"Your arm."
"No!"
"Your fingers."
"No!"
"Your other arm."
"No!"
"Your other fingers"
"OK"
Parenting = Persistence
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