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  • essdogg
      Essex Mortimer Dogg @essdogg

    I confused "your" and "you're" in a work document and now I have to burn the place down and create a new identity for myself. Again.

    • 120
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    navanaxderbyjamescrispycrackajameswritescodeERN_Malleyscrub_iandthomasdigilutionarynaserca
    • 138
    • RETWEETS
    NelCooperalexcruiseaputsiaqshrmladaylightdancer0olliemarsh_ivancrginprincess
  • essdogg
      Essex Mortimer Dogg @essdogg

    I really think my wife is overreacting to the fact that I taught the boy to call his pajamas "pajayjays."

    • 192
    • FAVS
    badkitty_PapiLoveJoyderbyjamesportorckCheVolaylodelaro__________adam_foglederekasaurus
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    lafixbevzillaaFreeSoilRoadWondermonkey2kknotta_tardfanFavstar500FavssaynomorganTimHaines
  • essdogg
      Essex Mortimer Dogg @essdogg

    Apparently some people are caught off guard when you walk out of the bathroom holding a brownie.

    • 183
    • FAVS
    badkitty_PapiLoveJoytwitsandgigglesprawanaaplfrederickportorckCheVolayderekasaurus
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500FavsHrdleefavstar1000favsrobwetzelerDavidsAlterEgoDizzblnd__________Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • essdogg
      Essex Mortimer Dogg @essdogg

    Taylor Lautner and Kristen Stewart have the cold, dead stare of early-onset Scientology.

    • 143
    • FAVS
    derbyjamesCheVolayderekasaurusmattherolddonniabrevi8ZippyBippyitsduckieyo
    • 15
    • RETWEETS
    TymethiefSusanMizeralucyspet__________TheMortalPoet____DoctorXIIIschampi1____Favstar500FavsDavieLegend
  • essdogg
      Essex Mortimer Dogg @essdogg

    Toddlers and cats both steal your stuff and hide it somewhere then forgot they hid it. But cats clean their own asses. Advantage: cats.

    • 134
    • FAVS
    PapiLoveJoyderbyjamesderekasaurusloremipsumizedmattheroldthatjunkiejulesninjacentricBlue_Crab
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    dastardlydeedrenicieragetawaygalsd______gayearodrigobarmenFavstar500Favschas50sawaboof
  • essdogg
      Essex Mortimer Dogg @essdogg

    Wife: Shut the bedroom door.
    Me: Are we gonna do it?
    Wife: I meant shut the door with you on the other side.

    • 122
    • FAVS
    portorcktararizer23derekasaurusninjacentricCutlerishcalmchaosacuteangletonyinosaka
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    rodrigobarmenpoppingrocksFavstar500Favsjjherrickgagatoktokfavstar1000favsnetgrrl79Dee_Scotland____
  • essdogg
      Essex Mortimer Dogg @essdogg

    I taught the boy to say "Boom Shakalaka" today. You call it the Terrible 2's. I call it a beautifully blank canvas.

    • 126
    • FAVS
    portorckderekasaurusloremipsumizedmattheroldninjacentricCutlerishSuMacDanabrevi8
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    favstar1000favsTimHaines
  • essdogg
      Essex Mortimer Dogg @essdogg

    Ever the optimists, BP have begun referring to the Gulf of Mexico as "half full."

    • 102
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    conmasBstTwtSnoopykissmemrsfalconGirlDetectiveluckyllamasMsMishe__________btfitzgerald
    • 18
    • RETWEETS
    renicieraLizLovesTiJake_WQuelWilsonGBLCoftheAMSMegCoopsstereogamousP_R_O_U_T_T
  • essdogg
      Essex Mortimer Dogg @essdogg

    Wife bought a frozen pizza with corn on it. This is why it's important to always keep a bag packed.

    • 116
    • FAVS
    portorckderekasaurusaudi_beefoodandwhiningninjacentricabrevi8nanceinmypanceTimHaines
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500Favsfavstar1000favsTimHaines
  • essdogg
      Essex Mortimer Dogg @essdogg

    It's so adorable how you childless asswipes "make plans" and "go out" on Friday night.

    • 109
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    portorckmattheroldtammyphinney______Juan_LecheKarenLyneButlerEggSoup__________JustAmy13DavySunshine
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500Favstimfanellifavstar1000favsEggSoup__________
  • essdogg
      Essex Mortimer Dogg @essdogg

    Just once in my life I'd like to walk by a group of women and hear one of them tell her friends "I'd tap that."

    • 103
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    ninjacentricAnkitBhargavaSuMacDanjoelpintoabrevi8zombotStormyCruzorakad______
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    BabybloomrFavstar500Favsforestfaejoelpintofavstar1000favs
  • essdogg
      Essex Mortimer Dogg @essdogg

    Farrah and MJ are dead. Transformers is in theaters. It's like a serial killer is on the loose and won't stop until the '80s are dead.

    • 105
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    PapiLoveJoyfuzzbombSuMacDanlafixabrevi8DDDBU____________zombotfunnyguy
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    favstar1000favsCoreyBadcockochriss__________
  • essdogg
      Essex Mortimer Dogg @essdogg

    There are two kinds of people in the world: those who add more paper when the printer is out of it and those who are terrible human beings.

    • 87
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    coryd9amberkarnesdonnithatjunkiejulesTinFrogcrispycrackaTimUhlmysticsavage
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    ziggeditsallaboutthegyesyesnononoscubasue09Favstar500FavsrenicierarondicasmithFlamingBobby
  • essdogg
      Essex Mortimer Dogg @essdogg

    Eight years into our relationship, there are three magic words I still love to tell my wife: please calm down.

    • 93
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    portorcklodelaro__________Weston711jhuitznicolerfrench__AnkitBhargavaSuMacDanlafix
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500Favsjhuitz
  • essdogg
      Essex Mortimer Dogg @essdogg

    America is like a disingenuous boyfriend who can't break up: It *cares* for us. It just doesn't *healthcare* for us.

    • 83
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    plfrederickninjacentricZippyBippydysolutionzombotKarenLyneButlermelmarenPunkRockie
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar500FavsginrikkiBrookeSeidl
  • essdogg
      Essex Mortimer Dogg @essdogg

    G'n'R GPS: "You know where you are? You in the Wal-Mart parking lot, baby! You gonna diiiiiiiiiieeee!"

    • 61
    • FAVS
    GuaCComackwinnyunanythingMrShaunGpunkassjimmpgillettjeremyturnerMrBigFists
    • 24
    • RETWEETS
    Tarobotrubyssweet1______Favstar500FavsNerdSnark________FunniestEverskillzy0tigerlily0wyopeacemom35
    iamsaltlake
  • essdogg
      Essex Mortimer Dogg @essdogg

    It's beautiful outside today. I should really get off the couch and surf the web on the front porch.

    • 77
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    PapiLoveJoylodelaro__________coryd9ninjacentricSuMacDanStormyCruzJuan_Leche_blueeyedzombie
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    ohgravitytaahb____AuthorLadyvipreganembeeiveyfavsmebswartzFavstar500Favs
  • essdogg
      Essex Mortimer Dogg @essdogg

    My son just peed into the toilet while standing up. If you'll excuse me, I seem to have something in my eye. I wish it was tears.

    • 79
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    twitsandgigglesplfrederickportorcklodelaro__________loremipsumizedninjacentricsamsoncomicsvermiciouskinid
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    capecodjeweldisinhibited_____Favstar500Favs
  • essdogg
      Essex Mortimer Dogg @essdogg

    Pee on my Aeron chair once, shame on you. Pee on my Aeron chair twice, slightly used Aeron chair for sale.

    • 74
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    SuMacDanStormyCruzPunkRockiecrispycrackaPorto_Rock________jamesandrewschiclet_MamitaMojita____
    • 4
    • RETWEETS
    krislynchLittleBlueMonkeFavstar500Favsdmbark
  • essdogg
      Essex Mortimer Dogg @essdogg

    My wife is a fantastic cook. I'll probably miss that the most when I leave her for a 20-year-old pilates instructor.

    • 76
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    lodelaro__________mattherolddonnininjacentricSuMacDanZippyBippysunshinekitkat____Castle_of_Kings
    • 1
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    Favstar500Favs
@essdogg

@essdogg

Father. Husband. Author of The Groom's Instruction Manual. Web nerd. Professional sarcasticater.