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I really think my wife is overreacting to the fact that I taught the boy to call his pajamas "pajayjays."
Apparently some people are caught off guard when you walk out of the bathroom holding a brownie.
Taylor Lautner and Kristen Stewart have the cold, dead stare of early-onset Scientology.
Toddlers and cats both steal your stuff and hide it somewhere then forgot they hid it. But cats clean their own asses. Advantage: cats.
Wife: Shut the bedroom door.
Me: Are we gonna do it?
Wife: I meant shut the door with you on the other side.
I taught the boy to say "Boom Shakalaka" today. You call it the Terrible 2's. I call it a beautifully blank canvas.
Ever the optimists, BP have begun referring to the Gulf of Mexico as "half full."
Wife bought a frozen pizza with corn on it. This is why it's important to always keep a bag packed.
It's so adorable how you childless asswipes "make plans" and "go out" on Friday night.
Just once in my life I'd like to walk by a group of women and hear one of them tell her friends "I'd tap that."
Farrah and MJ are dead. Transformers is in theaters. It's like a serial killer is on the loose and won't stop until the '80s are dead.
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who add more paper when the printer is out of it and those who are terrible human beings.
Eight years into our relationship, there are three magic words I still love to tell my wife: please calm down.
America is like a disingenuous boyfriend who can't break up: It *cares* for us. It just doesn't *healthcare* for us.
G'n'R GPS: "You know where you are? You in the Wal-Mart parking lot, baby! You gonna diiiiiiiiiieeee!"
It's beautiful outside today. I should really get off the couch and surf the web on the front porch.
My son just peed into the toilet while standing up. If you'll excuse me, I seem to have something in my eye. I wish it was tears.
"Dad, stop that and do everything I want!"
Yep, that's pretty much all you need to know about parenting.
Pee on my Aeron chair once, shame on you. Pee on my Aeron chair twice, slightly used Aeron chair for sale.
Father. Husband. Author of The Groom's Instruction Manual. Web nerd. Professional sarcasticater.
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