@essentially_me's (Essentially Me) most faved Tweets...
Honestly, I don't even know how people can still get eaten by sharks when the Jaws theme song always gives them a warning that one is near.
Do you think that Kanye will crash Swayze's funeral to tell everyone that Michael Jackson's death was one of the best deaths of all time?
I can't wait until my breasts make milk.
Sometimes I get thirsty. And the fridge is all the way over there.
Sometimes I get thirsty. And the fridge is all the way over there.
Never ask "What would Mary do?" because if she willingly gets pregnant without the sex part, then her decision making skills are sub par.
I'm on an Alkaline Diet, she said. I asked her how batteries taste. She gave me a dirty look. Whatever. I'm not the idiot eating batteries.
Twitter is clearly on its period. I have been bleeding followers since yesterday. I'm about to shove a tampon in my USB port.
It's funny. When my married friends mention backsplash, they mean the tile behind their sinks. When I speak of it, I mean semen on my back.
I'm going to be Balloon Boy for a Halloween party.
Basically, I won't show up and will be asleep on my couch all night.
Basically, I won't show up and will be asleep on my couch all night.
In the next 2-3 weeks I have FOUR friends who will be giving birth. Keep your legs closed much you dirty whores?
I mean YAY FOR BABIES!
I mean YAY FOR BABIES!
"I'm a giver. Some might call me a philanthropist," he explained. "You only give your dick. Most would call you a philanderer," I corrected.
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