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Nothing says, "I really like you!" quite like premature ejaculation does.
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Just getting comfy up in here.
Honestly, I don't even know how people can still get eaten by sharks when the Jaws theme song always gives them a warning that one is near.
I just used my neck massager for its intended purpose.
I know, right?!
Firetrucks are such attention whores.
LOOK AT ME! OVER HERE! I'M ABOUT TO DO SOMETHING IMPORTANT! WOOOOOO!! WOOOOO!!!
Fuck you, firetruck.
I can't wait until my breasts make milk.
Sometimes I get thirsty. And the fridge is all the way over there.
This is my apology.
There are many like it, but those are all taken by other Canadians.
I'm on an Alkaline Diet, she said. I asked her how batteries taste. She gave me a dirty look. Whatever. I'm not the idiot eating batteries.
Do you think that Kanye will crash Swayze's funeral to tell everyone that Michael Jackson's death was one of the best deaths of all time?
Never ask "What would Mary do?" because if she willingly gets pregnant without the sex part, then her decision making skills are sub par.
It's not you, it's my inability to picture you inside me.
Twitter is clearly on its period. I have been bleeding followers since yesterday. I'm about to shove a tampon in my USB port.
My door is always wide open.
Except for when I'm masturbating. Then it will only be ajar.
It's funny. When my married friends mention backsplash, they mean the tile behind their sinks. When I speak of it, I mean semen on my back.
I'm going to be Balloon Boy for a Halloween party.
Basically, I won't show up and will be asleep on my couch all night.
This headache makes me wish I had a husband so I could use it as an excuse to deny him sex.
We're only going one hour into the past?
This Delorean fucking sucks.
In the next 2-3 weeks I have FOUR friends who will be giving birth. Keep your legs closed much you dirty whores?
I mean YAY FOR BABIES!
I wonder what Farve beans taste like.
I bet they taste like attention whores.
In Soviet Russia, they pull their blinds down so that bitch Palin would stop staring.