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If your infant son starts smacking you in the tit with the remote control, it's fair to nickname him "The Patriarchy" right?
"How the fuck do you spell that?" "You spell it however you think you spell it, and when it has a little squiggle under it you right-click."
"It is an impressively arrogant move to conclude that just because you don't like something, it is empirically not good." I <3 Tina Fey
"These furry balls are off the wall." --Ad for an '80s stuffed toy called the Popples. It was a different time.
As someone who was once a child, I can't hear your "healthy alternatives to Halloween candy" conversation without thinking you are FAIL.
How ridiculous is it that people act like they're somehow ENLIGHTENED if they watch the Super Bowl "just for the commercials"?
Stuck between feeling incompetent to care for my kids… and like nothing could possibly justify the cost of help.
Depending where you put your emphasis, "Man, I'm gettin' shit done today," means two opposite things.
Want to know who makes the best butter flavor for popcorn? TRICK QUESTION IT IS COWS
You don't realize how apt the comparison between rice cakes and styrofoam is until you notice your teeth are perfectly packed for shipping.
On getting that TV in that hole: "Is it in?" "I think it's crooked. How far in is it?" "I don't know." "Well, check with your fingers!"
It's really great having a spouse who makes me feel great about myself.
People, I love you, but the Santorum sex jokes were stale years ago, before all 532 of you made them just now.
New mom, feminist, physics nerd, photographer, writer, freedom freak, jack-of-all-trades-except-housecleaning - but I try.