I will bankrupt this Gold's Gym one stolen roll of toilet paper at a time.

I carry a yoga mat with me at all times just in case of emergency napping.

I read the L.L. Bean catalog for men to remind myself that I'm spending too much on razor blades.

Guys, clue me in, why are we trying to smuggle out extra "o"s every time we type "lose"? Are we trading them for drugs later, or?

One day you all will realize that the unicorns didn't make it on Noah's Ark because they are a bunch of assholes.

"Hey clothing manufacturers, how about clothes with underwear built in? Thanks."

~ Lazy people

I'm buying an old pickup to help unappreciated women move out.

I'd be a champion MMA fighter if they fought vending machines.

You brought your screaming child to the DMV. Way to make a miserable situation completely unbearable, mom.

Has @juicymorsel ever made you laugh? Smile? Think? Give something back in memory of her daughter Vallie:  http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/tweet4meat/campbridgesfoundation#.UYHOWXQXP8g.twitter …

Congratulations to George W. Bush on getting his own library. Also, congratulations to him for learning it's not pronounced "liberry."

Let's protect our borders and not let people decorate them with Microsoft Word's stationary templates.

This just in: Gwyneth Paltrow named People Magazine's Most Beautiful Woman. Also just in: People Magazine has been taken over by The Onion.

How many pizzas before you can invite the pizza delivery guy home to meet your parents?

CNN is jacked
AP got hacked
Fox news is whack
so now I'm only reading Cracked

-Drops mic. Onto foot. Hobbles offstage.

#IKEA is another form of torture.

The next World War will be between The Cream Cheese People & The Butter People. The Olive Oil People are expected to remain neutral.

When you only have one arm and you want to do coke, do you ask a friend to help you block the other nostril?

That sound you hear is a news channel closed-captioner saying "fuck it, no one's reading this anyway." pic.twitter.com/K4gvwvtmkV

Ugh. America's still writing "terrorist" on all its Chechens.