I always put WAKE UP, EAT and SHOWER on my TO DO list so it will look like I'm accomplishing something.

Smart phone. Stupid people. Smart car. Stupid people. Everything is getting smarter except the people.

My sister-in-law sent a text to bring LONG UNDERWEAR. WTF is a long underwear? It's like a yeast infection waiting to happen.

Just like the G-spot in a woman's Libya, Qaddafi is hard to find.

George Lopez: "Wahhh! Wahh! I was fired because I'm brown!" Well...guess who likes BROWN? UPS. Go work for them.

I found me an easier Halloween costume. I tried to fit my size 20 body in my size 6 pants and I have the Ultimate Muffin Top!

Dude we all follow @favstaroftheday so no need to retweet that you got TOTD. We get it. You're awesome. You're also an attention whore.

Bin Laden - The first victim of Obamacare.

Co-worker: "I brought food for everyone!" I got all excited then I realized she's VEGAN. FUCK THAT!

There are too many pregnant women in my office. I told them to stay away from me. I don't want to get the PREGNANCY bug.

Tenant: "Hello Mercedes?"
Me: "No. This is Gem."
Tenant: "Is this Jennifer?"
Me: "No. This is Gem"
Tenant: "Lindsay?"
WTF BITCH? I said GEM!

The priest who put a cross on my forehead is toooo hollywood. I think I heard him say: "Turn away from SHEEN and be faithful to the gospel."

I ask that everyone who follows me w/ an EGG avatar to please change their names to LADY GAGA so I can say a celebrity is following me.

All these Egyptians protesting have MUMMY ISSUES.

Tyra Banks also has a half-sister. You probably know it as her FOREHEAD.

What is this MASS ANIMAL DEATHS you speak of and why are the Kardashians still alive?

Lost two more pounds. Credit goes to my husband for convincing me to trim my nose hair and unibrow.

My goal for this 5K run is to beat my old 5K record of 3days, 6hrs, 15mins and 48 secs.

Every time I think about making one of Paula Deen's recipes I also think about dying the next day of a heart attack.

That Steelers QB has a very long last name that I can't pronounce so imma just call him Rapist.