If Fred Durst was a Transformer, he would transform into a Rape Van.

Don't you HATE when you're getting whistled at all day and then you remember you've been locked in a bird sanctuary for a week?

Thinking about starting an instagram profile where I re-enact every picture @kimkardashian puts up. If this gets 20 RTs, I'll do it.

My friends and I have a really weird pecking order. (All of my friends are pigeons.)

One day we'll figure out that a Yawn is just a ghost opening your mouth and farting down your throat.

Has anyone ever died "not suffering" a stroke? Like, died "mildly enjoying" a stroke?

Tell Starbucks your name is "I have an Art History Degree" and watch the barista start crying when they yell it out loud.

I pooped my pants, which is surprising because I don't remember eating my pants.

"I can't WAIT to see what the boys got themselves into this time!" - me talking about The Hangover 3 to a tree full of crows.

When I'm depressed, I look into the mirror and repeat, "You are NOT Fred Durst."

@trumpetcake feeling the blues as well, "soul" brother. #shirtlesswednesdays pic.twitter.com/4aXv77nT

I'd rather walk in on my girlfriend sleeping with my best friend than catch her genuinely enjoying a Rockstar Energy Drink.

Did you guys see the Lakers on last nights episode of The Aquabats! Super Show?!?!?! #lakers #aquabats  http://instagr.am/p/RxeX5ESJIz/ 

Jesus took 3 days to rise, Pizza Crust only takes about 20 minutes. Think about it, I haven't.

@danieltosh the many faces of me. http://t.co/AL9Kp8jJ

I try to live every week like it's Shark Week, but I'm having a hard time killing all of these Australians with just my teeth.

Dating tip: When your date asks if you'd like to come inside, she's referring to her apartment.

Beyonce's "All The Single Ladies" has been remixed to be about calling your single friends over to come babysit.

RT IF YOU CAN SEE ME IN THE BUSHES OUTSIDE OF YOUR WINDOW RIGHT NOW

Look what one of our super fans made! Thanks @imagebearer http://t.co/i2MTq7HK