@evehorizon's (brandon) most faved Tweets...
If a 'womanizer' is someone who has sex with lots of 'women,' then I suppose that makes me a moisturizer.
you can tell this is a nicer hotel. when i asked for a fan, they sent a guy wearing my face on a t-shirt.
My name is God. I created an incomprehensibly beautiful universe of infinite galaxies.
Please acknowledge my existence by burning a goat.
Please acknowledge my existence by burning a goat.
Before they close the Amelia Earhart case, has anyone checked to see if she was on a United flight? She might still arrive, you know.
I convinced my wife not to buy Nutcracker tickets.
You could say...
/puts on sunglasses
I dodged a ballet.
YEEEAH
You could say...
/puts on sunglasses
I dodged a ballet.
YEEEAH
Whenever you criticize others for being conceited, you need to take a look in the mirror cause damn you are fine.
I was told to pat myself on the back for a job well done and of course I took it too far and now I'm pregnant.
My children mistakenly wished me a happy father's day this past Sunday! I didn't want to embarrass them, so I told them I'm not their dad.
My wife said she doesn't appreciate being treated like an object, so I have taken to treating her like a subject, instead.
Dad, what's bestiality?
Panicked, I said, "IT'S THE STATE OF BEING BEST."
Expecting a joint call from the school board and PETA in 5..4..
Panicked, I said, "IT'S THE STATE OF BEING BEST."
Expecting a joint call from the school board and PETA in 5..4..
oh dear god, if i am ever stranded on a desert island with another person, please let them know how to make cheese.
Tip: To have your favorites shown faster, follow @favstar