I don't have love handles. I have hate-fuck grips.

New Yorkers: Send me nudes after the hurricane to let me know you're okay.

"Too spoon" - heckler fork

Shut up, guys. I was famous on Myspace.

Ladies of Twitter, don't forget Father's Day this weekend. Without your daddy issues, you wouldn't be successful.

I call my boobs "Tonya" and "Harding" cause they are always whacking my kneecaps.

You'd think my arms would be more toned from all the stretching I do paying and grabbing my food at the McDonalds drive-thru.

I don't blame girls who only tweet about their vaginas. The echo of their own laughter from the cave between their legs must be misleading.

I don't care about Harry Potter. I have sex.

Tonight a friend said "Why have Twitter when you can update your Facebook status?" and I got a quick image of all of you with torches.

I like ballsy girls, but girls with testicles freak me out.

The gangsta in me makes it rain. But then the Jew in me comes back and picks all those dollars back up.

Black guy sat down at my table in the break room, and I have to clock back in. I can either be late or look like a racist

My back is so stiff, if it had balls, I'd fuck it.

When I die, will one of you log into my account every few months, and randomly star and RT things? Just to fuck with people.

Sorry you're going through a hard time. Maybe this will make you feel better: I had a wonderful night.

Insecurity and jealousy are ridiculous emotions. But I guess it's easy for me to think that, being so fucking gorgeous and all.

In the 90s, every pop artist or boyband used chairs to dance with. Now Adele just sits around in them and gets awards for it.

My mom gave me a vibrator today. Don't even talk to me about how awesome any of your relationships are.

Did R. Kelly ever get out of that fucking closet he was trapped in?