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I wish I was full of tacos instead of feelings
My roommate wouldn't let me name our wireless network 'Bill Wi the Science Fi' because he has no sense of humor.
In toy story 3, Andy is 17...that means for many years the toys sat in silence and watched as he furiously masturbated.
Tried to kill a spider with hair spray. It's still alive, but it's hair looks FABULOOOOOUS!
It's cute how we all eat popcorn like we haven't seen or eaten food in 5 years.
Damn girl, are you a Terms and Conditions document because I don't give a fuck what you say.
Vending Machines kill 13 people a year. Sharks kill 5.
I can't wait until Homicidal Vending Machine week.
I have so much anger and hate in me right now, I almost feel like a Christian
My mom told me that if I ever hit 1000 followers she'll tell me who my real dad is.
Sext: I'll go halfsies on Plan B
I wonder if any midget couples have Tiny Dancer as their song.
Say the opposite of these words: 1. always 2. coming 3. from 4. take 5. me 6. down
If you take life too seriously I'm going to tickle you until you shit yourself.
The great thing about sleeping alone is you can be whatever spoon you want to be.
Not douchey enough. TAKE IT AWAY! - Ed Hardy
Twitter crushes are the best way to realize how stupid you really are.
Got bit by a bug yesterday. Still an ordinary human being. FUCK THIS.
I thought I saw Drake today but it was just a kitten playing with a paper bag
I'd rather have hot local Pringles wanting to meet me.
I'm single and ready to fall in love too quick and without you feeling the same
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