When I think of you I get a boner. Not like a penis boner, but a boner in my heart, a heart boner.


A heart-on


An affection erection.

My roommate wouldn't let me name our wireless network 'Bill Wi the Science Fi' because he has no sense of humor.

In toy story 3, Andy is 17...that means for many years the toys sat in silence and watched as he furiously masturbated.

Tried to kill a spider with hair spray. It's still alive, but it's hair looks FABULOOOOOUS!

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs.

My mom told me that if I ever hit 1000 followers she'll tell me who my real dad is.

Vending Machines kill 13 people a year. Sharks kill 5.

I can't wait until Homicidal Vending Machine week.

Came up with a drinking game for the Twilight movies: drink 40 shots when you press play so you can die before the movie starts

Sext: I'll go halfsies on Plan B

Not douchey enough. TAKE IT AWAY! - Ed Hardy

Say the opposite of these words: 1. always 2. coming 3. from 4. take 5. me 6. down

Got bit by a bug yesterday. Still an ordinary human being. FUCK THIS.

If you take life too seriously I'm going to tickle you until you shit yourself.

The great thing about sleeping alone is you can be whatever spoon you want to be.



:-(

I have so much anger and hate in me right now, I almost feel like a Christian

Doing laundry. Again.

Suddenly I have an urge to blow everything out of proportion

And make a sandwich.

What it feels like to be a girl?

I remember when I used to look forward to 9pm because that's when unlimited minutes started. Now it means the creditors will stop calling.

I wish I was full of tacos instead of feelings

I wonder if any midget couples have Tiny Dancer as their song.

Whenever a girl says she has a sore throat, the only thing--THE ONLY THING--I ever can say is, "I have some throat cream"