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I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs.
My roommate wouldn't let me name our wireless network 'Bill Wi the Science Fi' because he has no sense of humor.
I wish I was full of tacos instead of feelings
In toy story 3, Andy is 17...that means for many years the toys sat in silence and watched as he furiously masturbated.
OHMYGOD ADOBE I WILL UPDATE YOU LATER GET OFF MY DICK
Tried to kill a spider with hair spray. It's still alive, but it's hair looks FABULOOOOOUS!
Damn girl, are you a Terms and Conditions document because I don't give a fuck what you say.
Vending Machines kill 13 people a year. Sharks kill 5.
I can't wait until Homicidal Vending Machine week.
I have so much anger and hate in me right now, I almost feel like a Christian
Sext: I'll go halfsies on Plan B
My mom told me that if I ever hit 1000 followers she'll tell me who my real dad is.
Say the opposite of these words: 1. always 2. coming 3. from 4. take 5. me 6. down
I wonder if any midget couples have Tiny Dancer as their song.
If you take life too seriously I'm going to tickle you until you shit yourself.
Not douchey enough. TAKE IT AWAY! - Ed Hardy
The great thing about sleeping alone is you can be whatever spoon you want to be.
I thought I saw Drake today but it was just a kitten playing with a paper bag
Got bit by a bug yesterday. Still an ordinary human being. FUCK THIS.
Twitter crushes are the best way to realize how stupid you really are.
I'd rather have hot local Pringles wanting to meet me.
Hi. I'm Evan. Please don't fall in love with me.