RT @goulcher Squirrel gets head stuck in halloween skull. Immediately becomes most horrifying thing man has ever seen. pic.twitter.com/z42lcWzH

Sometimes I get so sick of FOX News I just want to gay-marry an illegal immigrant's abortion. Communist-style.

PBS FOREVER, FUCKERS

If I ever run for any political office my platform will be "SHUT THE FUCK UP WE ARE GOING TO SPACE."

If I am guilty of anything, it's caring too much. Also, embezzlement.

So glad Japanese character on my shirt was positively translated as 'love.' Was kind of nervous it meant "American Whoreface."

Just had passionfruit ice cream for the first time. The clouds parted. Angels sang. My button popped off my jeans.

Who are we kidding? The serving size for Girl Scout cookies is 1 box.

Basically I punched that wasp to death. There's a first time for everything.

You guys did anyone adjust the rapture for Daylight Savings? I'm not sure if I'm going to fall back or spring forward to damnation.

TAKEN 3: We have your dog. TAKEN 4: We took your iPhone. TAKEN 5: Say goodbye to your favorite pair of pants.

I understand that mass shootings don't seem to further the gun control debate, so instead can we discuss mental health?

Drinking old coffee. What doesn't kill me makes me awesome.

Listening to music so pretentious that even the band has never heard of themselves.

"I have a five-point plan for creating five-point plans."

I'm naming my new chicken timer "John Jacob Chicken Timer Schmidt."

Madonna. Shut up.

House is trashed. I need a robot maid that won't rise up against its human oppressor--is that too much to ask, future?

Put a bra on. Shit just got real.

I'm like Bruce Banner in the Avengers, except my secret is that I'm always tired.