Ex-wife came in to pick up daughter and said, "Mmm, you guys have been cooking something tasty!" It was my fart.

I can't find my glasses. Could someone call them?

I've been meaning for about two weeks now to tweet how much I hate the fucking chicken dance.

The best thing about tropical storms is all that delicious fruit flavor.

It's too loud, and I'm too old.

Forget the Gacy part. Regular John Wayne is bad enough.

Don't worry, people, I've got plenty of phlegm for everyone.

"Immigrant Song" is my daughter's favorite. I'll take my parenting award now, thanks.

Lots of get-rich-quick accounts have been following me. Those guys must like fart jokes.

@toddmarrone Tell him to try farting. Still goes around the world, but with zero shark risk.

My most successful tweet ever is about a fart.

I wonder how long I can go without learning who Chris Brown is.

Had a dream about a family of bananas who got new peels for Christmas.

Never thought I would say this, but I really like fig newtons.

The president has the same middle initial as Jesus.

Shitload of cowboy hats at this here inauguration.

Just found it useful that my phone's autocorrect includes the word "dreamboat."

Double-hockey-sticks Cool J.

I'll bet when Amish women go to pick up guys they say, "Let's go out for a couple of beards."

The president sure has been tapping a lot of people lately.