I can explain it to you but I can't understand it for you. #consulting

I'm just a girl standing in front of the internet asking it to love her.

SUCK it up and someday you won't have to SUCK it in. #suck

#Hendersonwin @ufconfox

RT "I'm playing for a charity called White Kids Without iPads."
@adamcarolla

Cool chain wallet, man. Now you won't lose your wallet or your virginity. Kind of a 2 birds 1 stone scenario.

Not leaving a voicemail is the new voicemail.

It's cute how baseball players think they are athletes. You are not fooling me. #boring

Just single-handedly gang raped a raspberry cheese croissant & two macaroons. #serioustweet #bride

The email I sent had an attachment you didn't bother to open and now you have questions? My bad.

#Truth  http://via.me/-9fizb1u 

Vote to make this nominee the BEST Local Comedian. Geoff Lott: http://t.co/w7cww7yU
#comedy #seattle @glottrules

@tedalexandro Comedy nerd fan photo. Great time, been waiting for years. http://t.co/3aao4L19

Loves me some tit-tays.

Dear Everyone,

Please stop leaving voice mails. It's fucking irritating and it's also 2012 now.

Thanks

#work #idiots #HR

On a scale of 1-Amy Winehouse, how do you feel today? Thanks, ill colleague who showed up crazy sick for day 2 now.

I often go hard but occasionally go home. Just realized.

How do I eat my steak, you ask? With speed and accuracy.

Not surprising... Cris 'Cyborg' Santos tests positive for anabolic steroid http://t.co/tajBkDgY

#ScareTactics is keeping midgets super employed. Love this show.