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I just ate at Taco Bell. I am not drunk or high.
I think I need someone else to make decisions for me tonight.
How many times must I apologize before I qualify for Canadian citizenship, exactly?
A bad Walmart greeting just ruins the whole experience.
Just bathed a 500lb, sedated, ventilated patient and remade the bed with him in it.
Your fitted sheet joke is invalid.
When I asked 15 how he liked school:
"It's the same as private, mom. The guys are douches & the girls are whores."
At least I'm saving 12K!
72 virgins? WTH? Who wants all that dramatic, needy inexperience? Any man who's been with a woman in her thirties knows better.
No, I don’t think it’s the pig flu. Or the bird flu. I don’t even think it’s the people flu. I think you have a cold. And dramatitis.
I think it's late enough to walk my dog without running into neighbors that enjoy small talk. They can't ever keep it below 140 characters.
The best thing about not eating for 24 hours is when you finally do eat anything it tastes really good. Mmmm tic tacs.
Pretending to be mad so I can have makeup sex later.
Riding in an elevator with an obese person who's breathing heavily after hurrying to catch it is one of the most awkward things ever.
19 year old in ER for pregnancy test. GO TO THE DOLLAR STORE THEY COST A DOLLAR STOP BEING DRAMATIC GOD I HOPE YOU AREN'T PREGNANT FOR REAL.
Obese patient finally off of the ventilator. Doesn't like hospital food. Family brings in Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Must be a large estate.
Sometimes I really wish we could vote people off of twitter.
I dated a mathematician once. We broke up after he said I couldn't proof my love.
My mastery of yoga comes from years of not touching anything in a public restroom.
Morning sex while the kids are at school is one of the best arguments against home schooling there is.
A patient told me "your hair is so long you don't need to wear a shirt" last night.
Semi conscious men always have the best ideas.
I just bought a tampon for a stranger because I saw her drop her last one on the floor.
There is no 5 second rule for that.
A patient just growled at me. I'm pretty sure it was sexual in nature. I hope it was. Sexually inappropriate is less scary than crazy.
Night shift nurse in a busy ICU. Gotta vent somewhere...