No, I don’t think it’s the pig flu. Or the bird flu. I don’t even think it’s the people flu. I think you have a cold. And dramatitis.

It's a bed bath. Not a bed bath and beyond.

I know many of you are wearing pajamas all day today. Me too, but they’re called scrubs and I get to wear them to work. I love my job.

You need a break when you ponder letting your rowdy detoxer remove her O2 because you know she'll settle down once she becomes hypoxic.

Behind every good doctor is a great nurse who has his back and covers his ass.

PMS cafés should exist. They'd serve tea and cake to you in your PJs while you read novels and sob with only knowing glances and more cake.

19 year old in ER for pregnancy test. GO TO THE DOLLAR STORE THEY COST A DOLLAR STOP BEING DRAMATIC GOD I HOPE YOU AREN'T PREGNANT FOR REAL.

My baristas have named a drink after me: The Defibrillator! It's made with six shots of espresso and comes with in store cardiac monitoring.

Thank you do much, autocorrect.

Thank you do, do much.

When I hear someone’s gotten her tubes tied all I can picture are all the girl sperm blaming the boy sperm for them ending up at a dead end.

You make three times my salary, Doc. Please don't 'borrow' my stethoscope forever.

Hey RN students, soon you'll be comfortable in codes. Until then, sit if you might faint. it's distracting if you fall and smack your head.

It's suicide season. My unit is full of attempts. Be sweet to each other and ask for help if you need it. (And don't use freaking tylenol)

My intensivist just referred to our therapeutic hypothermia protocol as “Ben and Jerrying” someone. My unit is so awesome.

Hey, IV drug users, do us both a favor. Save a decent vein for emergency use.

If you fall asleep more than once while you're asking me for more pain medication, I might suggest we wait a little longer.

No, I'm not going out as a "sexy nurse" for Halloween. I go out as a sexy nurse every time I walk out the door.

"your hair is like a flock of goats"

"your waist, like a heap of wheat"

"your teeth, like shorn sheep after washing"

-Old Testament sexts

You know you need a break from your annoying coworker when you catch yourself mentally titrating a dose of Propofol for them.

There's no crying in my codes.
Can't handle it? Get out. I mean it. There are at least four to replace you.
You can cry later.

Like I do.