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I wish I could bookmark really good orgasms and go back to them whenever I want.
I have a huge crush on smart people.
My favourite position is sex.
I won't lie to you, but I will lie on, with, and under you.
I'll censor myself when I'm dead.
I don't negotiate with children.
I miss simple problems, like the ball getting stuck on the roof.
A reality show called Grannys Under 40. Just wait.
I don't go down, I start down and work my way up. You're welcome, ladies...
I touch my privates in public.
For some women guitars and vibrators can cause the same result.
I hate to B negative but you're just not my blood type.
Nakedness isn't next to godliness, it IS godliness.
Take more naps. They feel fucking phenomenal.
I like it when I have to pee so badly that when I finally do it almost feels like an orgasm.
I'm a total word nerd.
I don't flirt with disaster, I agressively slip it a roofie.
Scotch tape is useful, but not as useful as scotch.
It takes a shit load of work to make something seem effortless.
Bras are like airplanes, my favourite part is the take off.
Member of @BoomComedy. 2011 @TOPoetrySlam Grand Champion. Chuck from @RicknChuck. Creative Department at @Teambitious. I'm not here to make friends.