Try to keep your text lower-case, please. I'm in a library.

I'm an open book. Some of the pages have gotten dirty, please try not to get them stuck together as you read the alternate happy endings.

I'd tell you what I'm doing but I've learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.

My skeletons just came out of the closet and announced they are adopting. I'm going to have such a soft spot for that kid.

If you starred in all the Jackass movies, chances are you probably aren't going to die from natural causes.

Whats the opposite of a ;-) (wink)?
Is it a j-; (stroke)?

I don't have a girlfriend anymore, I have a nemesis with benefits.

After reading the biography, I find Thesaurus is probably the most boring dinosaur ever.

I'm not procrastinating, I'm building suspense!

Prop 19 was a gateway prop

I drink and smoke occasionally. Especially if I'm on fire. That's when I really get thirsty.

I'm not racist. My favorite oil spill was black.

I used to have M. C. Escher for a roommate. It was horrible. Every day was a constant uphill battle.

Breaking news! Everything will be OK

Extension cables are gateway plugs.

Come on, guys! Inside this house we use our outside jokes!

Today is "Get your sorry ass to work" day.

My parents would take us kids to Costco to eat the free food. They wanted to "lead by a sample." English was their second language.

You can't ruin my whole day. I have A.D.D. You can only ruin my next 2 minutes.

I don't text and drive. I always let go of the wheel completely before I start to read/write any message.