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Accidentally ran over a dove today. Keep wondering why he didn't avoid my car. Maybe I'm just too demanding. Maybe I'm just like my father.
The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "what's wrong" is inversely proportional to the severity of the shitstorm that's coming
Like a battered wife, I glance at the supermarket $5 DVD bin hoping this time will be different.
For someone who hasn't suffered a major head injury, I sure spend a fair amount of time in the shower wondering if I used shampoo already.
Barbecue with my wife's single friends tonight or as I call it the "I'm sure he'll call you back, he's probably just busy" Olympics.
Bone, Thugs, and Harmony really pussed out when they came up with the last third of their name.
If left around a piano, there's a 100% chance I'll play the Jaws attack music until I'm asked to stop.
Twitter says my profile is similar to Andy Dick. I'm gonna complain...just as soon as I finish snorting clown powder off this Thai ladyboy.
Hey men with bushy mustaches,
Clearly you have something to hide and I know what it is: awesomeness.
After a failed Tweet, I'm the Philip Seymour Hoffman of crying alone in a car and saying "I'm a fucking idiot" over and over.
You can go straight to hell, supermarket checkout girl for shutting down my small-talk. I'M the one who hates small talk! I did it for YOU!
Of the 10 most uncomfortable moments in my life, 6 have been watching a lead singer and guitarist share the same microphone on stage.
My father saw The Social Network, joined Facebook & sent me friend request. I told him to rent the Lyle & Eric Menendez story for my reply.
"It's okayyy I guess. Could use about 250% more saxophone."
-1980's movie directors after hearing the first draft of a soundtrack
I shudder to think how many douchey chemistry majors call each other "bromide".
There are few moments in life more confusing & disheartening than watching porn on an iPhone and having it interrupted by a call from mom.
Nothing like a hot mom with ugly kids to remind you cash is king.
Maybe Alvin the Chipmunk didn't wear A on his chest because his name is Alvin but rather because he was caught sleeping with a married man.
Anyone who says "step into my office" and they're not referring to an actual office is about to waste your time.
My son and I play this fun game. He counts as high as he can and I reminisce about banging women before I met his mom.
Wrote this book - http://t.co/HVwL0meWJ2 And did this promo video - http://t.co/pkVVawaSUu