When I'm judging a wet t-shirt contest I usually pick the shirt with the biggest tits under it.

Happy Yothers Day!!! pic.twitter.com/qvZWmn7xjs

Don't wait until the last minute to buy a Mother's Day card or you'll be stuck with the religious ones.

Who's your favorite Weight Watchers spokesperson whose entire family was murdered? Mine's probably Jennifer Hudson.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore. She's a dumb bitch who doesn't understand market saturation.

Here's what we've learned from the ricin letters caper: Karate instructors are the natural enemy of Elvis impersonators.

If you have time-stamped VHS footage of yourself blowing out birthday candles, you'll eventually be abducted.

I’m just worried that Bostonians could end up with an over-inflated sense of regional pride.

The shorter the bangs, the redder the flag.

I'm a married man, but every time I see a leggy girl in tiny shorts I still think about the old Utah Jazz uniforms.

"When you love and laugh abundantly, you live a beautiful life." That or maybe you're just manic.

If I ever end up in a mass grave, I just know it'll be right next to an overly affectionate couple.

Now imagine how close together the presidents' bodies are, under their Mount Rushmore heads.

Quoth the disaffected twenty-something raven, "Nevers."

Jesus god, people who ring doorbells in movies. Give it a second.

If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules.

I am not going peacefully with any cop wearing shorts.

When one door closes, another opens. Also, you can open the closed door. That's how doors work. How do you know so little about doors?

Sorry, Eyes Wide Shut, no dude in a cape is getting invited to an orgy.

What's your fave NPR morning show? Mine's probably 20,000 Callers Agreeing With One Another.