It's not a proper gang sign if you don't make a face like you're staring into the sun and shitting your pants at the same time....

If you have shit in your life and you do nothing to change it then you deserve to be a miserable fuck.

I just saw someone walk into a restaurant order a pitcher of beer and ask for a job application.

He wouldn't tell me his twitter @...

As painful as it is, sometimes you have to give up on people you truly care about because they are the worst thing for you...

Some people make me smile a big stupid grin, others make me clean my shotgun.

Proper way to take a conference call:

1) Dial in and announce yourself
2) Put the phone on mute
3) Walk away from phone & take break

You know the meeting has gone completely downhill when someone suggests sacrificing a chicken.

Just saw a six year old flipping off his 4 year old sister...

Makes me ALMOST want kids...

Must. Resist. Killing. Stupid. People...

A sure sign that your friend is on pain killers is when they text Vanilla Ice lyrics to you.

Decided to accept peanut butter as my lord and savior...

#Stop
#Fucking
#Hashtagging
#Everything
#You
#Fucking
#Asshole

I hate to belittle my own gender, but women are evil...

I tried to find a card to express my feelings, but didn't find one. So I'll use my own words.

Fuck off and die, asshole!

It's getting harder to ignore annoying people. Maybe I should build a moat.

One of my coworkers has what appears to be a cum stain on her ass. I'd tell her but she's annoying as fuck.

Just saw a rapist van with crosses all over it.

Looks like the priests are taking their act on the road.

Remember kiddies: you shouldn't sell your soul to a devil to get away from a different one.

I stopped praying to god for things I want. After all Satan owes me a few.

Hey women who think frosty blue eyeshadow is nice: knock that shit off...