Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

FACEBOOK: Full of pretentious idiots. TWITTER: Full of people Googling pretentious.

Confidence is hot. Put it on. Wear it well.

Don't carry a grudge. They're heavy. You'll fuck up your back.

Fine: Code for fuck off.

When one door closes yet the other won't open.

Kick it the fuck down.

You don't miss them. You miss the person you thought they were.

Music is my favorite pain killer.

If you can make me laugh without drugs and alcohol. I will think that you're forever hot.

Rejection is the hardest pill to swallow.
Chase it with some Vodka.

When someone says "everything happens for a reason," I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

Its not the truth that hurts. Its the pain of pulling your head out of your ass and being blinded by the light of day.

You've made your bed, now fuck in it.

You can't keep fighting for someone that won't fight for themselves.

Sometimes you just have to cash out your karma bank and start bouncing some universal checks. Because fuck this shit already.

You bring out the worst in me. Let's go fuck shit up together.

Say what you mean or you'll get what you don't want.

An astronaut squirrel, a snail that meows, crab with a whale as a daughter. Dear creators of spongebob, pass the drugs.

Him: Are you bipolar?
Me: Nope, just a cunt.

Some guys just need their pussy waxed.