Seems every guy I'm interested in having sex with turns out to be married. This is why I can't have nice flings.

If you're thinking of unfollowing me, think twice because I'm about to become really fuckin funny.

The bottle is half drunk and so am I.

Gary Coleman rushed to hospital. I wonder if he had a Different Stroke.

omg you guys, I just invited the mailman in for coffee and wound up having sex with him. I have become my mother.

Wearing rented shoes and striking out tonight.

Cause that's how I bowl.

I get most of my exercise from running late.

Guess I should check facebook in case I'm missing anything interesting...



Ok, I'm back.

I don't like the term 'doing the dishes'. I think 'lathering up and stroking the kitchen ware' is sexier.

I'm so accustomed to twitter, I keep reading facebook statuses with a smile on my face, anticipating the punchline.

It never comes.

Just heard a man was arrested in Colorado for planning a back pack bomb attack. Wonder if he's also responsible for the nick nack paddywhack

Before I go to sleep, I would like to leave you with this thought: In a world where Julia Roberts married Lyle Lovett, anything is possible.

It amazes me that people keep following me. It's not like I'm going anywhere with this.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make her stop making Sex and the City sequels.

I misused a comma in my last tweet and now I'm having problems with my colon. I know it has nothing to do with my period.

The happiness is coming from INSIDE the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors.

How can I make my dog understand...My leg loves him, but it's not 'in love with him'.

If you don't have anything funny to say, say it on facebook.

I've licked so much postage today. I'm a stamp tramp.

Today I blew more leafs than a Toronto hooker at an NHL bachelor party.