I don't hate everyone, just the people I know.

If masturbating to ring in the new year is wrong, then I'm not really sure how this celebrating thing works

You can't spell shenanigans without gang bang, okay you can but gang bangs are full of shenanigans.

Can't decide what to have for lunch between cake or death.

Women hate it when you use their luffa bar on your nutsac. It's call exfoliating to remove wrinkles. You know this Karen!

"You better not swallow!" -- said: no guy, ever

Ladies, it don't matter how well you clean your vaginas if you don't keep the sewer next door clean as well.

I'm okay with her saying, "HARDER!!!", during sex, but that's when I start praying she doesn't yell, "DEEPER!!!".

20 people can fit into this elevator before it reaches it's maximum load but what if those people were all clowns, what then?

Congrats @failing_at_life! @thecameltoe_ picked your tweet as Tweet of the Day:  http://favstar.fm/t/72045365460877315 …

Turns out women will block you if you reply to knitting pics with dick pics. I hope my mom unblocks me soon I need a sitter for friday.

I have way more than 99 problems.



mostly because I don't have as much money as Jay-Z.

Nothing says "I'm a huge cunt" quite like giving someone a $5 gift card.

Yes I do believe if you drank enough whiskey and ate enough smarties, you could totally vomit a rainbow.

"I totally understand women" ~ guys who totally don't understand women

The only reason Dick Cheney is still alive now is because not even God wants to deal with that asshole.

Whoever blacks out drunk first today wins Christmas!

I wanna lick the crazy right off you.

My cat Thurman died on Friday and now I have no one to talk to about my problems

When I orgasm I sound like the Elephant Man having a fit.