Why does the toilet paper say long lasting? I pretty much only use it the once.

Yes twitter, I think I will add my location. How much more interesting do you think my tweets would be if you knew they came from hell?

I need to hang out more in a crowd that gets the irony of a girl with boobs as big as mine wearing a cow udder shirt. Egads people

Is it just me or is this oil spill thingie a big deal?

I just took off my bra and I swear I heard someone yell "release the kraken". I am alone, should this bother me?

You are what you star.

I am just a girl sitting in her Mickey Mouse pajamas thinking "what the hell happened?"

I have bruises for all the wrong reasons.

If life was going to screw me this bad and this often-you would at least think that I would get a free dinner once in awhile!

When buying comfort food and cat litter in the same trip be sure to wear sun glasses. The glare of your inadequate life is blinding.

What is it about a pin-head, Barbie looking, aerobics nazi's that make me want to hold them under water until they stop struggling?

After twitter-I find myself telling people: "this is a literal statement not a euphemism"

Spent the evening with the reason you don't panic marry when you hit your 30's.

*sigh* Just figuring out what I want to do when I grow up. I did? well shit

I have more followers on here, than IRL. So, there is that. I am socially awkward & 35 people ignoring me on here makes me feel like a god.

I intentionally avoided posting today to give the illusion of a life-did it work?

The sign of a good party, returning home 31 hours after you left for it.

How sad is it that teenagers ask me for dating advice? I mean really, does one ask a turtle how to high jump?

Starting a new job is the adult equivalent of starting High School as a tuba player with headgear!

It's not talking to myself that bothers me. It's the random WTF things I say (Cutting onions, waving a knife) "Don't F**k with me Argentina"