Luckily I have gas, so if we lose power I can cook things on my butt. #sandy

Jim Lampley is the Joe Buck of Boxing

I find the answer to why you put the lime in the coconut unsatisfactory.

Masturbation, the difference between boredom and depression.

You know you had an interesting night when your poo is tan the next morning.

Too funny for FB, not funny enough for Twitter. It’s like transferring from Community College all over again.

Going to go through my dead mother's things. I will smoke and drink cheap wine in her honor.

And so it begins, the my feet are cold until May season. Ah NY, I heart you.

Just called my coworker a fucking 'tard. It's not verbal abuse if I was just stating a fact, right?

I haven't had chicken wings in over a week. I must be healthy by now, right???

My husband said no one is going to read my dating blog. Ummm, husband? Oh shit, I am sooo busted.

I am going to start a new blog, Dating: The 40 year old woman w/ 4 cats. It will be mostly about hairballs & vibrators

Those Lobo blueberries are toxic. No joke. Well most stuff marinated in tequila is kinda toxic. Just a fact.

I wonder if the horrified look on the cashier's face was because I whipped the $$ out of my sports bra or that the $$ was soaked in sweat

Is it too early to order a pizza?

If you tweet and have no followers does it count?

If you poked me I would bleed sangria, and fine, a little gummy bear

it's amazing how 1 extra gummy bear can make my pants tight. If only I would have stopped at 29.