My therapist told me I need to find my happy place so I envisioned myself backstroking in a pool of vodka and Xanax. Damn he's good.

Dear baby Jesus please forgive me for my foul mouth, hating thy neighbors, living in sin and the candy bar I'm going to steal. Fuck walmart.

I don't star your tweet because I think you're hot or I want you to like me. I star it because...well...I want to come live with you.

Just saw a white trash teenager put out her cigarette out on the gas pump. Smart thinking leader of tomorrow.

The person who said dogs have the cleanest mouths must have not seen them eat cat shit out of the litter box like it's a Chinese buffet.

Has anyone ever smoked catnip and if so, when will my vision return?

As I get older I'm finding that I'm appreciating the little things in life such as naps, Xanax, shots of tequila and quickies.

Does the little bit of vomit that came up in my mouth and I swallowed again count as a meal?

"elite twits" Don't fucking trick me into to following you then unfollow me two days later. Take your fake life and fucking shove it.

The only thing I'm sucking on tonight before I go to sleep is the exhaust pipe.

My inner bitch and my outer bitch are about ready to have a meeting of the minds.

The only hope I have in life is living vicariously thru the mentally retarded grocery bagger. Why does he have to be so god damn happy?

I went to the pet store to purchase a shock collar. The store clerk asked how big of a dog I own. I said he is 6 feet tall & 200 pounds.

I wonder if I rub Oil of Olay on my cooter it will start to reverse the signs of damage?

My dentist recommended I switch from meth to cocaine for a brighter smile.

I got my snazzy workout outfit on and wearing my shapeups and I'm going to the mall to eat a Cinnabon.

It's difficult to pretend to be in a coma when I have to get up and pee every two hours.

This #FF tradition reminds me of a cheerleader being gang banged by the football team. AHHH...the good ole days.

I liked pets until I owned them. I liked having a house until everything broke. I liked men until I lived with them. My new country song.

When I lay down on my back my boobs become armpit warmers. Might be time for a lift.