A lot of you "I FUCKING LOVE BACON" people are a little too thin for me to take your bacon love seriously.

I like that my "who to follow" has changed from politicians and shitty celebrities to names like "CuntNugget" and "FistedFury".

I should point out to you guys that I am - technically - Jewish and get a little uncomfortable every time you star me.

Whenever one of my clever tweets bombs I put it down to poor timing... And the fact that the education system has failed so many of you.

My signature move is not losing my shit every time you say something stupid.

Only 892 followers away from 1,000... Now to change my Avi to a moderately attractive woman and act all snarky. I'll be there in no time.

Dear America: it's called English for a reason. They invented it. It's not "English" spelling. It's correct spelling... This is a subtweet.

Fun Fact: if you ever suggest that Johnny Depp was a better Willy Wonka than Gene Wilder I will actually want to harm you.

I like being an early follower. People are too lazy to unfollow their early followers. Plus, hipster.

Fun Fact: I love it when Americans whose Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Grandfather emigrated from Ireland say "I'm Irish". No.

Maybe... Just maybe... People use twitter for the feeling of catharsis that comes with speaking your mind, without the fear of reprisal.

You put the cunt in "you're a stupid fucking cunt"... you also put all of the other words in there too.

I am thinking of opening a tattoo removal clinic... let's face it, you motherfuckers are not gonna love Pikachu forever.

Some of you motherfuckers are so awesome that I star your tweet BEFORE reading it.

Instead of changing my Avi to a pair of tits I will change it to a shirtless douche and tweet shit about guys being nicer to ladies.

Twitter Experts: I have decided to go to bed. That means I say goodnight and spend another 7 hours tweeting, right? AM I DOING THIS RIGHT?

I genuinely wonder how much of cunt you have to be to get to that level where playing music through your phone speakers is acceptable.

Fun Fact: I love it when Americans try to say Worcestershire. It's funny as fuck.

Look... It's been 4 hours since someone followed me. Not to sound too ungrateful but your RTs aren't working. Fuck twitter.

A big thank you to all of the new people following me. You have great tits/a good personality/a huge wang*. *circle applicable statement