On a scale of 1- abortion , how fun is your weekend gonna be?

I'm way too picky of an eater to be a lesbian

I've always felt a strong connection to fast food workers because most of them have also been screamed at by my mother

cool: your girlfriend is precious. uncool: your girlfriend is Precious.

qualititty, not quantititty

@dietmountandrew then more wine

@dietmountandrew coffee then wine

"@pimpbillclinton: RT If you're already in pajama pants drinking box wine." @mrdiscostick BILL KNOWS YOUR LIFE

I love when the random people I follow are funny as hell. Here's to you @dietmountandrew

Everyone always tells me my eyes are "so big and beautiful," it's like I constantly have to tell people "Hey my boobs are down here!"

MLK was a real MLKILF

My blood type is overly dramatic

Can you imagine if your grandma actually got run over by a reindeer like that'd be some shit

Do you think asians are excited for the big erection today?

"@omgthatspunny: What did the ER nurse say to the power ranger? It's morphine time!" @who_is_steven

Somebody please come punch me in the face

"@mikeleffingwell: This Lance Armstrong thing has really tainted his cameo in Dodgeball." @who_is_steven

@_ckf he also gets boners while eating pasta

Behind every great man, there's a woman who knows he pisses sitting down

@bradbroaddus UGH so fuckin annoying