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Christian friends, I’ll never go to church with you. Healthy friends, I’ll never go to the gym with you. Drunk friends, when and where?
You treat your body like a temple?
I treat mine like a whorehouse above a liquor store next to a motherfucking Taco Bell.
I pretend to like people everyday. It’s called being an adult. That’s why we’re allowed to buy booze.
I can almost pay my bills is the new American dream.
Everyone always makes fun of my man purse until I bust out a bottle of wine, a bag of weed, a bong, milk, cookies and a cheese platter.
Jesus Christ! I forgot to buy dog food last night and now my dogs are playing a Sarah McLachlan album and googling humane society.
I was going to go for a run this morning. Then I remembered I don't run so I put some whiskey in my coffee and sat back down.
It's crazy how crazy religions think the other crazy religions are crazy and that their crazy is the right crazy. It's crazy.
When I hear a guy say “That’s fucking gay” I stick my dick in his mouth and say “No, no. THIS is fucking gay!”
I drink because people talk.
Working in an office with only straight men is hard. New shoes, new haircut and not one word. This tweet is hard to write between the tears.
A jogger just yelled at me for accidentally blowing pot smoke in his face. So I yelled at him for making me feel fat.
Treat her like a gay man once in awhile. Take her to brunch. Take her shopping. Then take her home and fuck her in the ass.
I just saw an entire family jogging together. I’m so glad I was raised by potheads cause fuck that shit.
Monogamy: Because you've been together too long and let yourselves go too far to get naked in front of strangers anymore.
Mom: What are you going to do if Jesus comes?
Me: Well...swallow, obviously.
I was asked if married people get in trouble for going out drinking alone.
We get in trouble about toothpaste what the fuck do you think?
I just overheard someone saying that their hair looks “horrible and gay today.”
That’s not even a possible combination you fucking idiot.
When is Twittervention coming to television? It’ll be great. An entire hour of people laughing at their phones while their families cry.
When I get my hair cut I whisper into the stylist's ear you fuck up my hair I burn your salon down. Officially, legally and happily married to @thedailymarker
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