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  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    Women against gay marriage offend me more than men against gay marriage. It’s like bitch don’t bite the hand that designed your dress.

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    meagann_goodmanbatzadamAdrinaDudetteitsme_ctinatigercol27chilliconnectChaChaTasticJessT_ica
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    KittyServesbatzadamVaga60ndJessT_icaaftermath800LackOfShameli4mst3w4rtSeamusTheBold
    TrueTorontoGirlHairyJew4LifeVikeeysSecretArroiaTinkerbell_BillFienbergThe_MartiniGirlthenoahkinseykelkulus_Ms_Moneypenny_MyHairyLife______calluptomewestcoastgurl____piplipsflipthistweetzachreinert03eliserose5RudeRidingRomeoGreenAyedWunSadSilentMonkey__SeanInCypressEFFFFFFYOU________NikiWithIssueslvvzzSingleVickyKindOfASmartass__CroweJamthetobbiePlatinumShower____AristotlesNZshurtcobainfacciabellaGroperClevelandtigersgoroooarcraydrienneSCbchbum
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    Christian friends, I’ll never go to church with you. Healthy friends, I’ll never go to the gym with you. Drunk friends, when and where?

    • 2,173
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    li4mst3w4rtNottyNicMusicTJmewlingquim666MelbsonNHeyRicthomasclark92gidsfos
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  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    You treat your body like a temple?

    That’s nice.

    I treat mine like a whorehouse above a liquor store next to a motherfucking Taco Bell.

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    slyoung5Kim_pulsiveEvilBrittneyGItalianBratikusiamsugarboogertrialfemmemarkboywonder__One_FineMessCompocolypsehot_coughy________
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    I pretend to like people everyday. It’s called being an adult. That’s why we’re allowed to buy booze.

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  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    I can almost pay my bills is the new American dream.

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  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    Everyone always makes fun of my man purse until I bust out a bottle of wine, a bag of weed, a bong, milk, cookies and a cheese platter.

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    SheOverAnalyzessnapperdoo________JazzzzzminaFrauDammtshegotagronkkidphoniclakeanagirl
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    Jesus Christ! I forgot to buy dog food last night and now my dogs are playing a Sarah McLachlan album and googling humane society.

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    djr_102li4mst3w4rtKman8675heatherjskathybotteasMissesPopsgoodtimenoelDarzieDAMN__
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    SharpeBytesouter_joshthenoahkinseyOne_FineMessCherhole__________HeyZeus666
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    I was going to go for a run this morning. Then I remembered I don't run so I put some whiskey in my coffee and sat back down.

    • 1,245
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    slooberbieli4mst3w4rtPamAtterberrysquirrel74wkgngutterpuppetlewisnrcfxnels2kathybotteas
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    TomBanks1________KimJungilSpirit__Blondiethegoodshegotagronkzachreinert03
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    It's crazy how crazy religions think the other crazy religions are crazy and that their crazy is the right crazy. It's crazy.

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    VoiceofgarthFat_berryJoelAnairThatNymphAprilmostlydelirious__
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    When I hear a guy say “That’s fucking gay” I stick my dick in his mouth and say “No, no. THIS is fucking gay!”

    • 1,190
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    li4mst3w4rtbaseballchickiepickard_jessicamsnrshtstran316MisterWarrSupafunkadunkaLisaACOTA
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    Kim_pulsiveInappropri8Alex__StellacopterkevnastoDepecheALAmodeshkeeberwashere__talkinboozeball
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    I drink because people talk.

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    MoistPorkJust_Lee_1isuisorisuaint
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    Working in an office with only straight men is hard. New shoes, new haircut and not one word. This tweet is hard to write between the tears.

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    kelkulusKindOfASmartass__MizBlueBallswheelfreeddosesofneurosis__
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    A jogger just yelled at me for accidentally blowing pot smoke in his face. So I yelled at him for making me feel fat.

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    squirrel74wkgnkathybotteasjohngayseeDarzieDAMN__Whoopdeedoo22JoabPudindinker__B1gBrainsMcGeekcMcCowgirl
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  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    Treat her like a gay man once in awhile. Take her to brunch. Take her shopping. Then take her home and fuck her in the ass.

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  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    I just saw an entire family jogging together. I’m so glad I was raised by potheads cause fuck that shit.

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    Anna_MollyDmikeishappyGreenSmoke_li4mst3w4rtsquirrel74wkgnkathybotteasClarenceBeeksXInkyForu
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  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    Monogamy: Because you've been together too long and let yourselves go too far to get naked in front of strangers anymore.

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    li4mst3w4rtsquirrel74wkgnjohngayseeDarzieDAMN__Whoopdeedoo22PuffPuffCandiAndLive2LoveGobshite_
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    Kim_pulsivehidingfromme__MyDarkSide73slyoung5NotJPo__Jaden76SeanInCypress
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    Mom: What are you going to do if Jesus comes?

    Me: Well...swallow, obviously.

    Mom: STEVEN!!!

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    li4mst3w4rtshayf_DarzieDAMN__elmoscaresmeWICKEDTRUTH01NarcissusMaxmusSvengaliLudditedzaago
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  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    I was asked if married people get in trouble for going out drinking alone.

    We get in trouble about toothpaste what the fuck do you think?

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    djr_102li4mst3w4rtjohngayseeRichHarris2thepopcornninjaPuffPuffCandiRafflesWordKimpulses
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  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    I just overheard someone saying that their hair looks “horrible and gay today.”

    That’s not even a possible combination you fucking idiot.

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    swollenvoiceAnna_MollyDhannmartdjr_102li4mst3w4rtToodleTweetfarleftcoastjohngaysee
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  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    When is Twittervention coming to television? It’ll be great. An entire hour of people laughing at their phones while their families cry.

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    sumpeoplelikeitCanadian_Hosershkeeberwashere__shurtcobain
@farleftcoast

@farleftcoast

When I get my hair cut I whisper into the stylist's ear you fuck up my hair I burn your salon down. Officially, legally and happily married to @thedailymarker

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