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  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    Women against gay marriage offend me more than men against gay marriage. It’s like bitch don’t bite the hand that designed your dress.

    • 4,371
    • FAVS
    geandonionHollieDee9mauiiwowiieeMrsMikePattonTrixtopherDukeShipInTheKnightWiley_by_birthGiverney666
    • 4,517
    • RETWEETS
    geandonionTheQueenOfAcidMrsMikePattonTrixtopherDukeWaterLilyDreamstrachyticPatricio_Sagejustmeebri
    HairyJew4LifeVikeeysSecretArroiaTinkerbell_BillFienbergThe_MartiniGirlthenoahkinseykelkulus_Ms_Moneypenny_MyHairyLife______calluptomewestcoastgurl____piplipsflipthistweetzachreinert03eliserose5RudeRidingRomeoGreenAyedWunSadSilentMonkey__SeanINCypressEFFFFFFYOU________NikiWithIssueslvvzzSingleVickyKindOfASmartass__CroweJamthetobbiePlatinumShower____AristotlesNZ__shurtcobainfacciabellaGroperClevelandtigersgoroooarcraydrienneSCbchbum
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    Christian friends, I’ll never go to church with you. Healthy friends, I’ll never go to the gym with you. Drunk friends, when and where?

    • 2,135
    • FAVS
    Shanerzzz1usedtobeJustJenMrsMikePattonmikefofficialmadamesnooty______kmjordan3Your_Boy_Dylancarmody_dan
    • 1,292
    • RETWEETS
    MrsMikePattonmikefofficialJaredDWaltersMichaelLarrickCheetoBandito77kmjordan3The_Bronninatorelizabitch
    rpbatemanDaNaLa13JVarsityCaptainBillFienbergJaySusHChristNerd_Boner________FloatersfinestdannydogmouthMicheleAKALipsLisa_Laughs_llvvzzthedailymarkerReverend_ScottHannahAnticsSasssPantstamytoo2
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    You treat your body like a temple?

    That’s nice.

    I treat mine like a whorehouse above a liquor store next to a motherfucking Taco Bell.

    • 1,686
    • FAVS
    MrsMikePattonmadamesnooty______kmjordan3Your_Boy_DylanBabababrandimakenziekub9MichaelLarrickrootcubed
    • 1,170
    • RETWEETS
    stewart_alexajanetaucoinJustPorkMeMichaelLarrick7evin3moranCheetoBandito77kmjordan3MyInsanityLost____
    slyoung5Kim_pulsiveEvilBrittneyGItalianBratikusiamsugarboogertrialfemmenovocapulumOne_FineMessCompocolypsehot_coughy________
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    I pretend to like people everyday. It’s called being an adult. That’s why we’re allowed to buy booze.

    • 1,253
    • FAVS
    alizmaytrooperhartMrsMikePattonJustAmy13sheseemslegitShinahhhimmortaljayeMindBytes
    • 1,002
    • RETWEETS
    MrsMikePattonthestoxbarvanilladog69ShipInTheKnightBuh_BitchesUghNotAgainmattreaves5vivinut
    MrsMikePattoniBrowniEd2LeeryLearyOhNoSheTwitnt
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    I can almost pay my bills is the new American dream.

    • 984
    • FAVS
    alizmayGiddythefuckupMrsMikePattonVerifiedDrunkmadamesnooty______kmjordan3MichaelLarrickAngryD88
    • 1,069
    • RETWEETS
    mjbenson92doctorhydeFiaHippieNicole39077483SoCalledMaryjaysjokerRichardMacLeanlyndseywilly
    Kim_pulsive
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    Everyone always makes fun of my man purse until I bust out a bottle of wine, a bag of weed, a bong, milk, cookies and a cheese platter.

    • 1,340
    • FAVS
    Ynot101MrsMikePattonHeltonKGoinsJohnduyvoredpawn3PariahSickKid71UrWindowStalkinartyHannah
    • 676
    • RETWEETS
    kelseyloveee3BlairLoudlyTinkerbell_PrincessPrescodIamNjeribjihoovianonelongbenderMycandleburns
    ForEllieSylviasnapperdoo________JazzzzzminaFrauDammtshegotagronkkidphoniclakeanagirl
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    Jesus Christ! I forgot to buy dog food last night and now my dogs are playing a Sarah McLachlan album and googling humane society.

    • 1,233
    • FAVS
    MrsMikePattonMichaelLarrickjohngayseebigdeezus__onehotamericaworley_7ChristianPlanteDumbConfessions
    • 720
    • RETWEETS
    worley_7MinusCDPlus__BownuggetsjoeyfullystatedurgeekisshowingcaribewestIB_icedTheBeerGuy73
    outer_joshthenoahkinseyOne_FineMessCherhole__________HeyZeus666
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    I was going to go for a run this morning. Then I remembered I don't run so I put some whiskey in my coffee and sat back down.

    • 1,230
    • FAVS
    alizmayMrsMikePattonTheSolClarkeMichaelLarrickAndLive2LovejohngayseeHysteriaBarbieTheReal_AndyMac
    • 671
    • RETWEETS
    bluecanarycatworley_7Ellani_BelleMissBHavencanadasandrabkseedsLynrd1989jfrank50
    TomBanks1________KimJungilSpirit__Blondiethegoodshegotagronkzachreinert03
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    It's crazy how crazy religions think the other crazy religions are crazy and that their crazy is the right crazy. It's crazy.

    • 1,132
    • FAVS
    MichaelLarrickAndLive2Lovejohngayseeworley_7DumbConfessionsD2_Barney_McGStrip_Teasing____Ellani_Belle
    • 744
    • RETWEETS
    hipstermcgoo______Ellani_BelleMissCurlyBlacksTomServo18khromechronicle75Burton__________BobKosgakdeenasjoint
    VoiceofgarthFat_berryJoelAnairTheNaughtyNymphmostlydelirious__
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    When I hear a guy say “That’s fucking gay” I stick my dick in his mouth and say “No, no. THIS is fucking gay!”

    • 1,161
    • FAVS
    alizmayMichaelLarrickAndLive2Loveshaniam18lmrich23SkankoHontoTheReal_AndyMacworley_7
    • 561
    • RETWEETS
    worley_7sparkleopossomSadieMegertRayFromCincyshayf_MinusCDPlus__Candis_MullenHeatherB_T
    Kim_pulsiveInappropri8Alex__StellaRtwotkevnastoDepecheALAmodeshkeebertalkinboozeball
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    I drink because people talk.

    • 945
    • FAVS
    5hanersmadamesnooty______Your_Boy_Dylanrachelmarie333MichaelLarrickjohngayseeworley_7DumbConfessions
    • 647
    • RETWEETS
    LobyLoumadamesnooty______ClarkbBentcaitlyn_ericatoreymazzaMichaelLarrickerrsumCPK3
    MoistPorkJust_Lee_1isuisorisuaint
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    Working in an office with only straight men is hard. New shoes, new haircut and not one word. This tweet is hard to write between the tears.

    • 1,010
    • FAVS
    AndLive2Lovejohngayseeworley_7DumbConfessionsD2_Barney_McGStrip_Teasing____NaomiMojica10InchesPlus
    • 228
    • RETWEETS
    Ellani_BelleAnonymous1040canadasandraTeejayRushNilknarfhurgeekisshowingTwitmytweetiesTru2007
    kelkulusKindOfASmartass__MizBlueBallswheelfreeddosesofneurosis__
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    A jogger just yelled at me for accidentally blowing pot smoke in his face. So I yelled at him for making me feel fat.

    • 883
    • FAVS
    AndLive2Loveworley_7DumbConfessionsD2_Barney_McGStrip_Teasing____davetrek42ktgrlerctrjo________
    • 260
    • RETWEETS
    DumbConfessionskhromechroniclecanadasandrajumabrYouCantFoolRedhead_RockerLaddy42__________TeejayRush
    diabolicalexMsJulzthedailymarker
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    Treat her like a gay man once in awhile. Take her to brunch. Take her shopping. Then take her home and fuck her in the ass.

    • 639
    • FAVS
    ZenOne____________AndLive2LoveGetALifeOrHobbyPaoloMiguel73fryfriendLeahGoRound______Edie_Is_DeadRolling_Stonedd
    • 301
    • RETWEETS
    acquitted24rudeman62GetALifeOrHobbyfryfriendchelcbug90LeahGoRound______BrittanyHannonasirnaath
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    I just saw an entire family jogging together. I’m so glad I was raised by potheads cause fuck that shit.

    • 595
    • FAVS
    VerifiedDrunkjohngayseeworley_7ChristianPlanteDumbConfessionsD2_Barney_McGnyax6jranddi
    • 269
    • RETWEETS
    NoOneatAlvolks__canadasandrajumabrjalyntorresLaddy42__________The_GetawayGirlSamsam_IGB
    TrueTorontoGirl
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    Monogamy: Because you've been together too long and let yourselves go too far to get naked in front of strangers anymore.

    • 588
    • FAVS
    AndLive2Loveworley_7DumbConfessionsD2_Barney_McGsmackinsidious____MinusCDPlus__Tmoney68mediocregee
    • 189
    • RETWEETS
    urgeekisshowingTheBeerGuy73TwitmytweetiesEdSpeshel________PFraleighAnothrGayJustinedandjenySuperLibidoMan
    hidingfrommeMyDarkSide73slyoung5NotJPoJaden76SeanINCypress
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    Mom: What are you going to do if Jesus comes?

    Me: Well...swallow, obviously.

    Mom: STEVEN!!!

    • 490
    • FAVS
    AmbrosianHoneyPuddingBoobsmona_toneSultani_SailsmadamepotsteinTraceyVentureScorpionDongK_Swizzle_Bitch
    • 271
    • RETWEETS
    ScorpionDongSadieMegertDeviliciouslyJfizzle9briaaathegreatQwertyJones3kharazielkeast_wood81
    QwertyJones3worley_7
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    I just overheard someone saying that their hair looks “horrible and gay today.”

    That’s not even a possible combination you fucking idiot.

    • 440
    • FAVS
    worley_7canadasandramediocregeeLaMaestraCraigAZwastingTimeRickyScampPrettiestPicklehoneybee0720
    • 221
    • RETWEETS
    nareshchandracJenn_Gervaisb3llathe_hippie_momLindaLacey8CuteassKutti______rachelLauren__trcarrell
    peetiesays________Paxochka
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    When is Twittervention coming to television? It’ll be great. An entire hour of people laughing at their phones while their families cry.

    • 432
    • FAVS
    worley_7Bookgirlxojranddinealeoso__________BobKosgakMaryMaryJJJnayomeewallacecanadasandra
    • 221
    • RETWEETS
    canadasandrajoeyfullystatedMaxxosaurusurgeekisshowingKim_pulsivehoneybadgerMelsumpeoplelikeitmarisamoore4
    sumpeoplelikeitCanadian_Hosershkeebershurtcobain
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    I was asked if married people get in trouble for going out drinking alone.

    We get in trouble about toothpaste what the fuck do you think?

    • 448
    • FAVS
    SBen91worley_7zombieparrotrbs44matsmoustachethedannie_bLetsGet9inedLdubintheWW
    • 195
    • RETWEETS
    SBen916thflowerNotOnDrugsSami____LdubintheWWNolaChef504shesananteatermgheddenvoigtlander1
    atombobadum
@farleftcoast

@farleftcoast

When I get my hair cut I whisper into the stylist's ear you fuck up my hair I burn your salon down. Officially, legally and happily married to @thedailymarker