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  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    Women against gay marriage offend me more than men against gay marriage. It’s like bitch don’t bite the hand that designed your dress.

    • 4,443
    • FAVS
    MeganKahanyshynLongstrokes210FatCakesOmNomkayleighpugetToxicProbablyDonnametzDonnajengwinnseanchai24
    • 4,566
    • RETWEETS
    SeamusTheBoldToxicProbablyJimmwhy_jengwinnskinnyToniSummerloveX0OhgoddessitsmeEllani_Belle
    HairyJew4LifeVikeeysSecretArroiaTinkerbell_BillFienbergThe_MartiniGirlthenoahkinseykelkulus_Ms_Moneypenny_MyHairyLife______calluptomewestcoastgurl____piplipsflipthistweetzachreinert03eliserose5RudeRidingRomeoGreenAyedWunSadSilentMonkey__SeanInCypressEFFFFFFYOU________NikiWithIssueslvvzzSingleVickyKindOfASmartass__CroweJamthetobbiePlatinumShower____AristotlesNZ__shurtcobainfacciabellaGroperClevelandtigersgoroooarcraydrienneSCbchbum
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    Christian friends, I’ll never go to church with you. Healthy friends, I’ll never go to the gym with you. Drunk friends, when and where?

    • 2,158
    • FAVS
    DarzieDAMN__Whoopdeedoo22NaomiGlitterEVO3talonDBwiddaDBiwearaonesiekcMcCowgirlNURGLEAVEST5__
    • 1,302
    • RETWEETS
    DBwiddaDBkcMcCowgirlNURGLEAVEST5__SassyTexasGalsarah_mariee23Mandm4792fixyourcompassaredhairedgirl__
    rpbatemanDaNaLa13JVarsityCaptainBillFienbergJaySusHChristNerd_Boner________FloatersfinestdannydogmouthMicheleAKALipsLisa_Laughs_llvvzzthedailymarkerReverend_ScottHannahAnticsSasssPantstamytoo2
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    You treat your body like a temple?

    That’s nice.

    I treat mine like a whorehouse above a liquor store next to a motherfucking Taco Bell.

    • 1,720
    • FAVS
    shayf_DarzieDAMN__thatchikdaggersjoefaheymusiczenofawesome1candyhh15godlesspuzzleericsshadow
    • 1,195
    • RETWEETS
    BobbyOlivas1joefaheymusicmohammed____KHgodlesspuzzle5inashoeJSLauderdaleleggomymeggo88DestineyLynn
    slyoung5Kim_pulsiveEvilBrittneyGItalianBratikusiamsugarboogertrialfemmemarkboywonder__One_FineMessCompocolypsehot_coughy________
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    I pretend to like people everyday. It’s called being an adult. That’s why we’re allowed to buy booze.

    • 1,289
    • FAVS
    PuffPuffCandiporraivyhiansantoosEleonoraMarquesDarzieDAMN__Whoopdeedoo22kirsten_lovexoxMafiaTim
    • 1,006
    • RETWEETS
    porraivyMafiaTimsexebloggerJustKim4RealBKCASHMEREbullitt6454cali_cathyShesham_
    NaomiGlitterMrsMikePattoniBrowniEd2warholearyOhNoSheTwitnt
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    I can almost pay my bills is the new American dream.

    • 1,062
    • FAVS
    DarzieDAMN__Whoopdeedoo22lii358hattensejaymoemoney1985darkshadow13breth6Mike_ByTheOZ
    • 1,113
    • RETWEETS
    Ms_Marriotthattensedarkshadow13breth6MisterAlexJonesStego2012efbarf13thesassyginge
    Kim_pulsive
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    Everyone always makes fun of my man purse until I bust out a bottle of wine, a bag of weed, a bong, milk, cookies and a cheese platter.

    • 1,377
    • FAVS
    BGlatzederBridgetMamacitaWaterLilyDreamsBeamishBoimilehighocdCheetoBandito77scorchingbonesFlutesAndSuits
    • 691
    • RETWEETS
    milehighocdCheetoBandito77MyLongRealityDarzieDAMN__nice_sometimesElizasoul80TITTYSTONED__skleebop
    SheOverAnalyzessnapperdoo________JazzzzzminaFrauDammtshegotagronkkidphoniclakeanagirl
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    Jesus Christ! I forgot to buy dog food last night and now my dogs are playing a Sarah McLachlan album and googling humane society.

    • 1,244
    • FAVS
    DarzieDAMN__NaomiGlitterFarFromFunnytanvstheworldiwearaonesieshellgonzostickboy530KinkQueen
    • 725
    • RETWEETS
    kukolikfergnefiwearaonesiestickboy530kcMcCowgirlGobshite_MinusCDPlusBownuggets
    SharpeBytesouter_joshthenoahkinseyOne_FineMessCherhole__________HeyZeus666
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    I was going to go for a run this morning. Then I remembered I don't run so I put some whiskey in my coffee and sat back down.

    • 1,237
    • FAVS
    DarzieDAMN__NaomiGlitterJudithSandCatPuffPuffCandiiwearaonesiekcMcCowgirlMacKoolioalizmay
    • 674
    • RETWEETS
    Unreal_1kcMcCowgirlJ_OHHHHHbluecanarycatGobshite_Ellani_BelleMissBHavencanadasandra
    TomBanks1________KimJungilSpirit__Blondiethegoodshegotagronkzachreinert03
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    It's crazy how crazy religions think the other crazy religions are crazy and that their crazy is the right crazy. It's crazy.

    • 1,139
    • FAVS
    PuffPuffCandiDarzieDAMN__Whoopdeedoo22NaomiGlitteriwearaonesiemediocretweets_kcMcCowgirlMichaelLarrick
    • 745
    • RETWEETS
    kcMcCowgirlhipstermcgoo______Ellani_BelleMissCurlyBlacksTomServo18khromechronicle75Burton__________BobKosgak
    VoiceofgarthFat_berryJoelAnairThatNymphAprilmostlydelirious__
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    When I hear a guy say “That’s fucking gay” I stick my dick in his mouth and say “No, no. THIS is fucking gay!”

    • 1,169
    • FAVS
    DarzieDAMN__Whoopdeedoo22NaomiGlitteriwearaonesiekcMcCowgirlnotfaizzySharpesEyeViewThatLoudgrl
    • 565
    • RETWEETS
    kcMcCowgirlSharpeBytesmedicalmaryjaneSharpesEyeViewGobshite_idkprobsnotSadieMegertRayinOhio
    Kim_pulsiveInappropri8Alex__StellacopterkevnastoDepecheALAmodeshkeeberwashere__talkinboozeball
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    I drink because people talk.

    • 950
    • FAVS
    DarzieDAMN__NaomiGlitterTheMichaelRockPuffPuffCandikcMcCowgirl5haners__________madamesnooty______Your_Boy_Dylan
    • 648
    • RETWEETS
    kcMcCowgirlLobyLoumadamesnooty______ClarkbBentcaitlyn_ericatoreymazzaMichaelLarrickerrsum
    MoistPorkJust_Lee_1isuisorisuaint
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    Working in an office with only straight men is hard. New shoes, new haircut and not one word. This tweet is hard to write between the tears.

    • 1,019
    • FAVS
    jccfordJacque_da_RainCheetoBandito77MariaSi82708418EliHansenMusicDarzieDAMN__Whoopdeedoo22kcMcCowgirl
    • 233
    • RETWEETS
    Jacque_da_Rainshayf_EliHansenMusicDarzieDAMN__kcMcCowgirlEllani_BelleAnonymous1040canadasandra
    kelkulusKindOfASmartass__MizBlueBallswheelfreeddosesofneurosis__
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    A jogger just yelled at me for accidentally blowing pot smoke in his face. So I yelled at him for making me feel fat.

    • 888
    • FAVS
    DarzieDAMN__Whoopdeedoo22JoabPudindinkerB1gBrainsMcGeekcMcCowgirlAndLive2LoveGobshite_DumbConfessions
    • 262
    • RETWEETS
    JoabPudindinkerkcMcCowgirlDumbConfessionskhromechroniclecanadasandrajumabrYouCantFoolKenyanRedhead_
    diabolicalexMsJulzthedailymarker
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    Treat her like a gay man once in awhile. Take her to brunch. Take her shopping. Then take her home and fuck her in the ass.

    • 668
    • FAVS
    DarzieDAMN__mamaliciousshan__sissy1979xItsAninkaBabyynganbreadLoveBitzysavage_wienerAndyKirchner
    • 317
    • RETWEETS
    sissy1979xsavage_wienerafckinggrownupCwAy_bcCaribbePirate76JSLauderdalejrb_85Vodka_Tits
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    I just saw an entire family jogging together. I’m so glad I was raised by potheads cause fuck that shit.

    • 658
    • FAVS
    iwearaonesieDarzieDAMN__ThatGingyMerryCherry66FattMernandezBecciBirtlesWaterLilyDreamscherryantacid22
    • 293
    • RETWEETS
    anirbasumanlionssheartWickedPoseidonMerryCherry66BecciBirtlesProzac101calluptomeLilMsMaelstrom
    TrueTorontoGirl
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    Monogamy: Because you've been together too long and let yourselves go too far to get naked in front of strangers anymore.

    • 591
    • FAVS
    DarzieDAMN__Whoopdeedoo22PuffPuffCandiAndLive2LoveGobshite_DumbConfessionsd2BMcG__shaznx
    • 190
    • RETWEETS
    PuffPuffCandiurgeekisshowingTheBeerGuy73TwitmytweetiesEdSpeshel________PFraleighAnothrGayJustinedandjeny
    Kim_pulsivehidingfromme__MyDarkSide73slyoung5NotJPoJaden76SeanInCypress
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    Mom: What are you going to do if Jesus comes?

    Me: Well...swallow, obviously.

    Mom: STEVEN!!!

    • 496
    • FAVS
    shayf_DarzieDAMN__elmoscaresmeWICKEDTRUTH01NarcissusMaxmusSvengaliLudditedzaagoAtyHans
    • 272
    • RETWEETS
    SvengaliLudditeAtyHansausten_420Great_JENeticsWICKEDTRUTH01SufficientCharmScorpionDongSadieMegert
    QwertyJones3Gobshite_
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    I was asked if married people get in trouble for going out drinking alone.

    We get in trouble about toothpaste what the fuck do you think?

    • 481
    • FAVS
    RichHarris2thepopcornninjaPuffPuffCandiRafflesWordKimpulsesfingerbangsmamamia6212DarzieDAMN__
    • 205
    • RETWEETS
    mamamia6212BarW38jologzShipInTheKnightWubbyMcGubbyBowdark64SaoirseRose_13hellonhelon
    atombobadum
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    I just overheard someone saying that their hair looks “horrible and gay today.”

    That’s not even a possible combination you fucking idiot.

    • 445
    • FAVS
    shayf_DarzieDAMN__Whoopdeedoo22TheMichaelRockSharpesEyeViewGobshite_canadasandramediocregee
    • 222
    • RETWEETS
    ThatLoudgrlnareshchandracJenn_Gervaisb3llathe_hippie_momLindaLacey8CuteassKutti______rachelLauren__
    peetiesays________Paxochka
  • farleftcoast
      farleftcoast @farleftcoast

    When is Twittervention coming to television? It’ll be great. An entire hour of people laughing at their phones while their families cry.

    • 437
    • FAVS
    DarzieDAMN__Whoopdeedoo22smirkykevLindaInDisguiseSSparklesDailyGobshite_Bookgirlxo____jranddi
    • 222
    • RETWEETS
    smirkykevcanadasandrajoeyfullystatedMaxxosaurusurgeekisshowingKim_pulsivehoneybadgerMelsumpeoplelikeit
    sumpeoplelikeitCanadian_Hosershkeeberwashere__shurtcobain
@farleftcoast

@farleftcoast

When I get my hair cut I whisper into the stylist's ear you fuck up my hair I burn your salon down. Officially, legally and happily married to @thedailymarker