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Women against gay marriage offend me more than men against gay marriage. It’s like bitch don’t bite the hand that designed your dress.
Christian friends, I’ll never go to church with you. Healthy friends, I’ll never go to the gym with you. Drunk friends, when and where?
Your ignorance might be bliss for you but it’s giving those of us with a brain a fucking headache.
I spend half of my life being lonely and the other half wishing people would just stop talking to me.
You treat your body like a temple?
I treat mine like a whorehouse above a liquor store next to a motherfucking Taco Bell.
To judge others is human. To keep your fucking opinion about others to yourself is having class.
Your religious and political beliefs don’t make you a good person. How you treat those different from you is what makes you a good person.
A crazy ex found me on Facebook and freaked out about the gay thing. To ensure she remains crazy I told her I never knew till I fucked her.
Jesus Christ! I forgot to buy dog food last night and now my dogs are playing a Sarah McLachlan album and googling humane society.
It's crazy how crazy religions think the other crazy religions are crazy and that their crazy is the right crazy. It's crazy.
Everyone always makes fun of my man purse until I bust out a bottle of wine, a bag of weed, a bong, milk, cookies and a cheese platter.
I was going to go for a run this morning. Then I remembered I don't run so I put some whiskey in my coffee and sat back down.
I pretend to like people everyday. It’s called being an adult. That’s why we’re allowed to buy booze.
Based on my calculations I can retire about 5 years after I die.
When I hear a guy say “That’s fucking gay” I stick my dick in his mouth and say “No, no. THIS is fucking gay!”
You’re going to lose followers no matter what you say. You might as well get some free therapy and say whatever the fuck you want anyway.
I drink because people talk.
Working in an office with only straight men is hard. New shoes, new haircut and not one word. This tweet is hard to write between the tears.
A jogger just yelled at me for accidentally blowing pot smoke in his face. So I yelled at him for making me feel fat.
“I’m an adult! I can do whatever the fuck I want.”
No, not you married people. Sit back down. You’re just being silly now.
Before I get my hair cut I whisper into the stylist's ear: You fuck up my hair I burn your salon down. I love @thedailymarker so much I put a ring on him.