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  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    i bought a 30 pack of condoms and they expire in 2016. i’m crunching the numbers here and it’s not looking good

    • 4,355
    • FAVS
    PlusTenJesusQ________Qckeens214spoopyscaryskelLaurenIsOkSix_of_ClubsPurpell_NurpellMelzerAnn
    • 2,809
    • RETWEETS
    PlusTenJesusflysthenamepinkeyeflightforcefateaaronrabahoeTh3PezDispencerOfficialLux1BrainySluts
    bloptPlaying_DadHome_HalfwaypartiallyproElColonelCortezsomeofmybest_correctomundoIamEnidColeslaw
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    actually, Bon Jovi is the name of the BAND. you're thinking of Bon Jovi's monster

    • 2,988
    • FAVS
    rubenluthmanstrongsadstephlnasca48OdderDodder1hillibusterrsampaintsdcmullinstanyarezak
    • 1,703
    • RETWEETS
    mrdankellytanyarezakTheMacGuffinjinjurlymordicaiimemaddieUnoriginalJohntherealchjones
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    i saw an ad on craigslist once that said “free firewood, u collect it” so i wrote the guy and said “bud you just wrote an ad for the woods”

    • 3,011
    • FAVS
    carriefarmer456OdderDodder1joshgrimmdarrenhoytdemiurgic88Shutyourbuttshardlyrelevantallisonhobo
    • 1,449
    • RETWEETS
    jacobTisRadAustin_BadPoorHewbertNageljoeymichaud2xoxoRyGomack423sitrick2renegadeDA
    greenteam15Home_Halfwaypudding_clubtlemcoBassoonJokesTheFearBoners____kampsinloveletterbombsrobfee
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    wait, THESE are pistachios? i’ve been calling them wood clams

    • 2,787
    • FAVS
    LeahJMfuddlemarkemma_fioreGrizzlyAdams16LTodd3000AIDANGLADjoneth_malonethKaatieJaamison
    • 1,429
    • RETWEETS
    jacobTisRadLeahJMseswandlinGrizzlyAdams16jackyardbeisbolhugecargoshortsFlyLikeAHearonheystu818
    earfdaeduplicitronHome_HalfwayGregDorrisLunarmayorUpturnedBathtubedzitronmadamezoobleRowdyBowden
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    i don't smoke weed because last time i did it i stood in the kitchen and boiled an onion and ate it and the whole process took like 4 hours

    • 2,868
    • FAVS
    literalshipleyhntr785OdderDodder1AnnMilordraddKanyeEast__Chalupacabra__prestonlindsey1
    • 1,164
    • RETWEETS
    SpeshilEdBen_BoyeajacobTisRadchristianboweCowboy_Mike_neverbeanchoredChalupacabra__kmcconnell95
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    kicked out of The Hobbit for shouting “NOW WE’RE TOLKIEN” every time something happened

    • 2,299
    • FAVS
    Andreas493OdderDodder1fuddlemarkmarybethsnowGabe_PartainGrizzlyAdams16gabbibrattonMyLongBalls
    • 1,247
    • RETWEETS
    rubenluthmanjacobTisRadGrizzlyAdams16jackyardbeisbolhugecargoshortsnatnmurtlaurastcklxvenderblonde
    philyuck
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    did you see the @gofundme where awful people are literally rewarding darren wilson with cash for killing a black guy pic.twitter.com/KLGvLPRaxZ

    • 760
    • FAVS
    chrisbarnes5000hipsterscumbagbrubinowDaSalamonderbrandonriver_aFazio_NspauvPlaying_Dad
    • 2,505
    • RETWEETS
    NotTrainPower98Dan_SalehTrains69DMightoneveoraaelllsbellllsnope421Fazio_N
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    i’m worried that when i am 69 years old i will laugh for an entire year

    • 1,927
    • FAVS
    rubenluthmanOdderDodder1fuddlemarkMyLongBallserik_lancasterDK_AD_xReezusbeelay_
    • 1,070
    • RETWEETS
    jacobTisRadcoozieashtonburns_ybbobbeelay_Rachel_Hurdwhere_lionsliveprinsusmicaela
    iBlayneBrianhopecomedyGriffinrebornmojo_ca
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    do you think any old west guys ever made a poop and then shot the poop with a gun

    • 1,977
    • FAVS
    OdderDodder1hugecargoshortsveryrareurlJustin_BebisincestguySynthJonahFlyLikeAHearonalexdaviez
    • 954
    • RETWEETS
    FLIRTGODSynthJonahradicaljocywatermelonmeatJamie_Flood_lecounardWhiteyBolgerDanCoolMoonGuy
    constantlyjoshgreenteam15TheAnimePoliceIamEnidColeslawkampsinrad_milkElephartrobdelaney
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    the guy from modest mouse sings like someone is chasing him with a garden hose

    • 1,980
    • FAVS
    paserlaserelluminatiiirumnoggoheythejorshtea_twinohianohara_manSpifffarsercanyon
    • 938
    • RETWEETS
    TwoThumbsWayUpnoza_byersdanmarazita4Loheythejorshkyra_teatea_twinAllisono340Thylacine_Queen
    SteveDutzy
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    my neck, my back, my pizza and my snacks

    • 1,284
    • FAVS
    OdderDodder1tapiocabitchbrockly12345NicoleCulrachaellorenelanamarinamileydancing4poetryb00tyslave
    • 1,166
    • RETWEETS
    gredsbiNastybishhlaursebabes_jacidt0usledwatermelonmeatFunniestEverdukesrealnow
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    god is real and he's waited around for 13.7 billion years to watch you masturbate and get mad about it

    • 1,340
    • FAVS
    TheRealEilskiMyLongBallsFlyLikeAHearonbrockly12345Fuckskakajhshshcharliebossysam_statesUrucCurr
    • 972
    • RETWEETS
    Midnight_RanterAjayMangeshkarMarkHoeppnerJamesBusherjacobTisRadFlyLikeAHearonHeavyBytesdz0me
    poopiestOzymandingus______ThisAlexStein
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    over 7 years ago i added false information to the Manimal wikipedia article. it's still there. pic.twitter.com/do6jcHlinO

    • 1,729
    • FAVS
    apopagasmcwosbellbrockly12345JermHimselfishjmemrieBlutalTheDogtommyhannon_93DaSalamonder
    • 483
    • RETWEETS
    BlutalTheDogsid_fleshASAPBullwinklerobhunter82marijanemuteboyanythingplusmorM_Schwartzkopf
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    so wait, explain again how “butt dial” is different from “booty call”? it still sounds like i should come over

    • 1,332
    • FAVS
    PLSVGESternTylerGoldenSoleSquidCubemaster333FrakkingAwesomeAL_phabetsad_treeKalebmoore
    • 782
    • RETWEETS
    davidwadesTyPhyter_declanreidemilyannawartcoooolemannotdrooTheSexxyGingerRxitWounds
    OhMattyBoytlemco
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    RT @samuelrahsaan: Last time I hooped in Moore Gym I was guarding a dude with no socks on and he did a spin move and a smashed Mcdouble fel…

    • 2
    • FAVS
    onlinernetPaperWash
    • 2,071
    • RETWEETS
    harrisonvcAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    Wow a guy on the train just got up and said "Remember rugrats. Remember the 90s" and now we're all standing up clapping and cheering for him

    • 1,260
    • FAVS
    OdderDodder1coolguy2748TheConleyyungdemarcodecebrockly12345Hameltorblack_wid0ww
    • 705
    • RETWEETS
    PhilMcFadhugecargoshortsnckrlfisaacdammitnrmlalx92eraser___headanimalofhabitwatermelonmeat
    slimepukematthandlersux
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    correct me if i’m wrong but did i just invent chess on twitter:

    rkbqzbkr
    pppppppp
    ========
    ========
    ========
    ========
    PPPPPPPP
    RKBQZBKR

    • 886
    • FAVS
    FlyLikeAHearonrachaellorenedancing4poetryalicynjeansherpuhhwatermelonmeatMooseXLsmeagolsfree
    • 1,022
    • RETWEETS
    Jared_haywood2danizwatermelonmeath__c__rwhatsanovenjpleboeufoutofmyplanetTheTechChat
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    it would be pretty badass if people never stopped growing and old people were like 30 feet tall. anyway thanks for coming to my TED talk

    • 1,240
    • FAVS
    mihaelandnatefuddlemarkmikaylashawRxitWoundsrinsenpaigrippageerik_lancasterAIDANGLAD
    • 641
    • RETWEETS
    CamJewtonAIDANGLADhugecargoshortskeithnevinmickeytreesPowlerBareFlyLikeAHearontneK_werdnA
    gspelsDrewFitz
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    “9/11 was an inside job” -dominos pizza pic.twitter.com/WvPxSWdY49

    • 1,210
    • FAVS
    brockly12345DaSalamondercharliebossyASAPBullwinkleUrucCurrwelpcommadecemeyernicole
    • 632
    • RETWEETS
    tinypyramidsUrucCurrmadelineudelwelpcommaCodyRyanCarrelchloeram0nemmccormick81uglywhitedude
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    my dream job is to be the FBI guy who nicknames criminals. someone blew up a fish market? Tunabomber. easy.

    • 998
    • FAVS
    rubenluthmanOdderDodder1hugecargoshortsFlyLikeAHearonbrockly12345isaacdammitcharliebossyASAPBullwinkle
    • 539
    • RETWEETS
    UrucCurrdz0meharrisonvcwhatsanovensomecleverthingMikeHaunch0CubiekartCopaseticSoulz
    JohnASinclair
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internet idiot extraordinaire + @devops thought lord