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  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    i bought a 30 pack of condoms and they expire in 2016. i’m crunching the numbers here and it’s not looking good

    • 4,366
    • FAVS
    BedroomPastramiedbritonEarlNoahBernsbybadAzz_momMileeKoNotPeterStarkMarketingTrollFreekKalter
    • 2,813
    • RETWEETS
    ZeppoWilburyfuckutomNotPeterStarkJDoody523VeldaHammIcedLavapeachey_keendaniel_frijoles
    ParentNormalbloptPlaying_DadHome_HalfwaypartiallyproElColonelCortezsomeofmybest_correctomundoIamEnidColeslaw
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    kicked out of The Hobbit for shouting “NOW WE’RE TOLKIEN” every time something happened

    • 3,228
    • FAVS
    yasdniLnayRCaitChambsPaul_Deane_SeannMorganOliverPotterrcmcpherson19MarkHughes__MatthewHazza
    • 1,692
    • RETWEETS
    tombigsy97MarkHughes__snakespiceDeeMadkourtaylorosmemilyannawartFirebomb173OTSWST
    DrDweezilphilyuck
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    actually, Bon Jovi is the name of the BAND. you're thinking of Bon Jovi's monster

    • 3,064
    • FAVS
    KateSolowagaremYninatreemonkeybaileydevyn77AFGiantbadAzz_momNotPeterStarkParentNormal
    • 1,746
    • RETWEETS
    KateSolowvaultofhorrorsZora_d_1991VicFuture__NotPeterStarkSlim__EastwoodInvisible_AnusScopher_
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    i saw an ad on craigslist once that said “free firewood, u collect it” so i wrote the guy and said “bud you just wrote an ad for the woods”

    • 3,234
    • FAVS
    lmsifpizzamccarthydpammulloyJennaLicknickerbadAzz_momNick09fgboofBoscoPorter
    • 1,511
    • RETWEETS
    badAzz_momBoscoPortersay_anything27NotPeterStarkLunchJournalscassiejo_dwilrettSynthJonah
    greenteam15Home_Halfwaypudding_clubtlemcoBassoonJokesTheFearBoners____kampsinloveletterbombsrobfee
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    i don't smoke weed because last time i did it i stood in the kitchen and boiled an onion and ate it and the whole process took like 4 hours

    • 3,099
    • FAVS
    newdarrUbiquitous_Bjessewallace94HowlingHannahSlamDunk_69svvallowKichuwaNonethejess
    • 1,240
    • RETWEETS
    MaxSnaketeethHowlingHannahsvvallowSeptapusDennymadiiliveChandiggityKimJongSeanMentalMister
    SteveDutzy
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    wait, THESE are pistachios? i’ve been calling them wood clams

    • 2,790
    • FAVS
    heatlebjornkreefaliciousmc_funbagsbadAzz_momNotPeterStarkParentNormalmomma0315Rick_IZ
    • 1,431
    • RETWEETS
    a_lolbrarianBradikadiskreefaliciousmc_funbagsNotPeterStarkRick_IZjacobTisRadLeahJM
    earfdaeduplicitronHome_HalfwayGregDorrisLunarmayorUpturnedBathtubedzitronzoeklarRowdyBowden
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    the guy from modest mouse sings like someone is chasing him with a garden hose

    • 2,855
    • FAVS
    b_sabadell24EgyPettwayme_irldragnuttakehenningayyye_sauteeDadFukrthedailyER
    • 1,343
    • RETWEETS
    WitheredHuskUHadMeAtYOLODadFukrLaughrankieitsfine7DEMHOEZBlumpoSandwichadultfeel
    SteveDutzy
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    did you see the @gofundme where awful people are literally rewarding darren wilson with cash for killing a black guy pic.twitter.com/KLGvLPRaxZ

    • 761
    • FAVS
    thelittlephrasechrisbarnes5000hipsterscumbagbrubinowDaSalamonderbrandonriver_aFazio_Nspauv
    • 2,505
    • RETWEETS
    NotTrainPower98Dan_SalehTrains69DMightonstilliIIelllsbellllsnope421Fazio_N
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    i’m worried that when i am 69 years old i will laugh for an entire year

    • 1,966
    • FAVS
    ParentNormalNanauqBrooklynJugglerBeeOhBeeRT_RHinesy19_MisterRogers_LucyCarlesscoffeepouts
    • 1,085
    • RETWEETS
    patchak21holgateashKylieNoeleimnotasianoksitonthefloorpepsixbustlittlestolivelydiaigo
    iBlayneBrianhopecomedyGriffinrebornmojo_ca
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    do you think any old west guys ever made a poop and then shot the poop with a gun

    • 1,982
    • FAVS
    LunchaballinParentNormalCabbagejuicetimSlim__EastwoodspookymaplesOdderDodder1hugecargoshortsveryrareurl
    • 956
    • RETWEETS
    fuckutomLunchaballinCabbagejuicetimdarsh5001FLIRTGODSynthJonahradicaljocywatermelonmeat
    constantlyjoshgreenteam15TheAnimePoliceIamEnidColeslawkampsinrad_milkElephartrobdelaney
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    my neck, my back, my pizza and my snacks

    • 1,288
    • FAVS
    ParentNormalNanauqOtisPdQhuitzilopochtlauniversalrundleOdderDodder1tapiocabitchbrockly12345
    • 1,170
    • RETWEETS
    cantsinghNanauqhuitzilopochtlameg_mcfarlaneAndrewBrauergredsbiNastybishhlaursebabes
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    god is real and he's waited around for 13.7 billion years to watch you masturbate and get mad about it

    • 1,344
    • FAVS
    ParentNormalOtisPdQhuitzilopochtlathomjkingTheRealEilskiMyLongBallsSethrogen______brockly12345
    • 973
    • RETWEETS
    huitzilopochtlaMidnight_Ranter__AjayMangeshkarMarkHoeppnerJamesBusherjacobTisRadSethrogen______HeavyBytes
    poopiestOzymandingus______ThisAlexStein
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    over 7 years ago i added false information to the Manimal wikipedia article. it's still there. pic.twitter.com/do6jcHlinO

    • 1,732
    • FAVS
    SkankOfTheSeaConnorganismgo4itrawdogsusan_keenanCryptoterraughrevolutionmammothbloodSasssPants
    • 483
    • RETWEETS
    gavinpivottBlutalTheDogsid_fleshASAPBullwinklerobhunter82marijanemuteboyanythingplusmor
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    so wait, explain again how “butt dial” is different from “booty call”? it still sounds like i should come over

    • 1,334
    • FAVS
    ParentNormalthomjkingPLSVGESternTylerGoldenSoleSquidCubemaster333FrakkingAwesomeAL_phabet__
    • 785
    • RETWEETS
    MattsBestTweetsjoeydollazzMacKooliodavidwadesTyPhyter_declanreidemilyannawartcooooleman
    OhMattyBoytlemco
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    RT @samuelrahsaan: Last time I hooped in Moore Gym I was guarding a dude with no socks on and he did a spin move and a smashed Mcdouble fel…

    • 3
    • FAVS
    PopeJohn69onlinernetPaperWash
    • 2,071
    • RETWEETS
    harrisonvcAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    Wow a guy on the train just got up and said "Remember rugrats. Remember the 90s" and now we're all standing up clapping and cheering for him

    • 1,263
    • FAVS
    ParentNormalthelittlephrasescndpengOdderDodder1coolguy2748TheConleyyungdemarcodece
    • 706
    • RETWEETS
    DinostampedePhilMcFadhugecargoshortsnckrlfisaacdammitnrmlalx92eraser___headanimalofhabit
    slimepukematthandlersux
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    correct me if i’m wrong but did i just invent chess on twitter:

    rkbqzbkr
    pppppppp
    ========
    ========
    ========
    ========
    PPPPPPPP
    RKBQZBKR

    • 888
    • FAVS
    ParentNormal_NotAnExitSethrogen______rachaellorenedancing4poetry__alicynjeansherpuhhwatermelonmeat
    • 1,022
    • RETWEETS
    Jared_haywood2danizwatermelonmeath__c__rwhatsanovenjpleboeufoutofmyplanetTheTechChat
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    it would be pretty badass if people never stopped growing and old people were like 30 feet tall. anyway thanks for coming to my TED talk

    • 1,242
    • FAVS
    ParentNormalscndpengmamamengqifuddlemarkmikaylashawRxitWoundsrinsenpaigrippage
    • 642
    • RETWEETS
    fuckutomDrEvil2791CamJewtonaidangladhugecargoshortskeithnevinmickeytreesPowlerBare
    gspelsDrewFitz
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    “9/11 was an inside job” -dominos pizza pic.twitter.com/WvPxSWdY49

    • 1,210
    • FAVS
    jordanjosellisJelly_Goldbrockly12345DaSalamondercharliebossyASAPBullwinkleUrucCurrwelpcomma
    • 632
    • RETWEETS
    asaer_saesruntledgetinypyramidsUrucCurrmadelineudelwelpcommaCodyRyanCarrelchloeram0ne
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    if macklemore were lactose intolerant he would be milknomore. this web site is a hell to me

    • 1,175
    • FAVS
    fuckutomParentNormalSteveDutzyph0neutriaJelly_GoldrubenluthmanNathanielWaggRxitWounds
    • 368
    • RETWEETS
    spiderfingersarSuperIncreibleph0neutriaCarlangas_TangaPadrinoTragicoLoboRundasUn_Unicornio_grippage
    Secks_man
@fart

@fart
Pro

writer, idiot, @devops thought lord