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  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    RT @sundownmotel: holy shit every person in Imagine Dragons is just a macklemore from a different universe pic.twitter.com/QVhGpYhDvQ

    • 1
    • FAV
    MollySneed
    • 11k
    • RETWEETS
    Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    i bought a 30 pack of condoms and they expire in 2016. i’m crunching the numbers here and it’s not looking good

    • 4,507
    • FAVS
    MollySneedWSingelstadphanarchistAustinBNmatt_brakensieksteellasagnatomxalexanderNegrosfables
    • 2,868
    • RETWEETS
    AustinBNmatt_brakensiekTuboWarekbkinderpartycoolgarydotnetKiller_BootsmangunshotvictimILove_Collage
    ParentNormalbloptPlaying_DadHome_HalfwaypartiallyproElColonelCortezsomeofmybest_correctomundoIamEnidColeslaw
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    no, no-- i'm pro-life only until the baby is born. after that the baby must exist in a hellworld of preventable disease and gun violence

    • 4,016
    • FAVS
    MollySneedliminationdanceheatlebjornPetrickSarakiralcVallygurl22OllieRandoDiddi_Marg
    • 2,848
    • RETWEETS
    whippersnabsalain_hardyTeeJayRushMikeMcNeil_AnchorSaucenoduffersHuajatollaChicBlairLoudly
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    i saw an ad on craigslist once that said “free firewood, u collect it” so i wrote the guy and said “bud you just wrote an ad for the woods”

    • 3,662
    • FAVS
    MollySneedtyranosexbradfwrdaudreyxwangqu33n0fk1ng5axtang_moderateorgoodbuggirlfriend
    • 1,676
    • RETWEETS
    castinemachinePatrickDLawsoninsta_quadsSadlyNotADogchristianbowekaycicharternohashtagellisHungryBartender
    greenteam15Home_Halfwaypudding_clubtlemcoBassoonJokesTheFearBoners____kampsinloveletterbombsrobfee
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    kicked out of The Hobbit for shouting “NOW WE’RE TOLKIEN” every time something happened

    • 3,335
    • FAVS
    MollySneedhailey234TorRobitailleleoreich_WSingelstadkrishna_vanshhhhhnobarebonesbelle
    • 1,736
    • RETWEETS
    natalieeportmangdoppDw_ghtkrishna_vankimsmithmillerMickaremusstopbeingblueTheFruitBooter
    DrDweezilphilyuck
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    actually, Bon Jovi is the name of the BAND. you're thinking of Bon Jovi's monster

    • 3,091
    • FAVS
    MollySneedhudkipsPlopnhamWSingelstadurinarymeatus69hollyjmcintoshthwartedSohnsTed
    • 1,773
    • RETWEETS
    PlopnhamzackfillionChristianDeMinkTheStageIsOverCodeBeaterbrx0UJustGotCarledmanicsocratic
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    the guy from modest mouse sings like someone is chasing him with a garden hose

    • 3,220
    • FAVS
    MollySneedtrillmama69harveilshotKCROSSbunsstrayslackAri_V260Kruthi_kaytinyfawns
    • 1,546
    • RETWEETS
    SirDinoCatstrayslackprettykouklasunswallowertherainydaycafeQueenButtcheekhennnnnnnnnigarchar_reece
    SteveDutzy
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    i don't smoke weed because last time i did it i stood in the kitchen and boiled an onion and ate it and the whole process took like 4 hours

    • 3,109
    • FAVS
    WSingelstadkrishna_vanurinarymeatus69jelliebeaannCBCGardenerFlowzie420CHolton14theninjagreg
    • 1,253
    • RETWEETS
    krishna_vanL0stAFriendcharleyzard_detxrioratingpikou_qcoli_boupsylonpontheninjagreg
    SteveDutzy
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    wait, THESE are pistachios? i’ve been calling them wood clams

    • 2,792
    • FAVS
    MollySneedWSingelstadmo_pattmidsummernoodlePolar_Bellebriarreid95Bob_Hellernatasha_orsi
    • 1,433
    • RETWEETS
    WSingelstaderick_elySir_0Ginnleynatasha_orsigoodonlinedogzackfilliona_lolbrarianBradikadis
    earfdaeduplicitronHome_HalfwayGregDorrisLunarmayorUpturnedBathtubedzitronzoeklarRowdyBowden
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    did you see the @gofundme where awful people are literally rewarding darren wilson with cash for killing a black guy pic.twitter.com/KLGvLPRaxZ

    • 762
    • FAVS
    stefanguimondGuyOnDaTerlitthelittlephrasechrisbarnes5000hipsterscumbagbrubinowDaSalamonderbrandonriver_a
    • 2,505
    • RETWEETS
    NotTrainPower98Dan_SalehTrains69Dw_ghtstilliIIelllsbellllsnope421Fazio_N
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    i’m worried that when i am 69 years old i will laugh for an entire year

    • 1,971
    • FAVS
    MollySneedshhhhhnosteellasagnaurinarymeatus69celestefohlParentNormalNanauqBrooklynJuggler
    • 1,085
    • RETWEETS
    patchak21holgateashKylieNoeleimnotasianoksitonthefloorpepsixbustlittlestolivelydiaigo
    iBlayneBrianhopecomedyGriffinrebornmojo_ca
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    do you think any old west guys ever made a poop and then shot the poop with a gun

    • 1,987
    • FAVS
    MollySneedWSingelstadnewtymuttkatienotopoulosJamesNearyMusicLunchaballinParentNormalCabbagejuicetim
    • 956
    • RETWEETS
    GrrrbichJRfuckutomLunchaballinCabbagejuicetimlavender_burpsFLIRTGODSynthJonahradicaljocy
    constantlyjoshgreenteam15TheAnimePoliceIamEnidColeslawkampsinrad_milkElephartrobdelaney
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    my neck, my back, my pizza and my snacks

    • 1,367
    • FAVS
    MollySneedkellyandcreamkaviar3319NicolasZoukasThe1stTylerONewSidkCat87SamBFrank
    • 1,202
    • RETWEETS
    The1stTylerOmegoon_bryan_whatMNoooooodleLaBelleMaefourwritesnickharoverLaLaurena
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    god is real and he's waited around for 13.7 billion years to watch you masturbate and get mad about it

    • 1,349
    • FAVS
    MollySneedpunandosteellasagnaurinarymeatus69SamMarroyParentNormalOtisPdQhuitzilopochtla
    • 976
    • RETWEETS
    fuckutomurinarymeatus69MangyhuitzilopochtlaMidnight_RanterAjayMangeshkarMarkHoeppnerJamesBusher
    poopiestOzymandingus______ThisAlexStein
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    over 7 years ago i added false information to the Manimal wikipedia article. it's still there. pic.twitter.com/do6jcHlinO

    • 1,734
    • FAVS
    MollySneed31_keithurinarymeatus69archemarcheVieth12FunnyDad666SkankOfTheSeaConnorganism
    • 484
    • RETWEETS
    mkglothurinarymeatus69gavinpivottbTHEdsid_fleshASAPBullwinklerobhunter82marijane
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    so wait, explain again how “butt dial” is different from “booty call”? it still sounds like i should come over

    • 1,336
    • FAVS
    WSingelstadBretLeTsteellasagnapnguin1celestefohlParentNormalthomjkingPLSVGE
    • 786
    • RETWEETS
    hrdgrdMattsBestTweetsjoeydollazzMacKooliodavidwadesTyPhyter_declanreidemilyannawart
    OhMattyBoytlemco
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    RT @samuelrahsaan: Last time I hooped in Moore Gym I was guarding a dude with no socks on and he did a spin move and a smashed Mcdouble fel…

    • 3
    • FAVS
    PopeJohn69onlinernetPaperWash
    • 2,071
    • RETWEETS
    harrisonvcAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    Wow a guy on the train just got up and said "Remember rugrats. Remember the 90s" and now we're all standing up clapping and cheering for him

    • 1,276
    • FAVS
    KKahttsteellasagnaVieth12Dw_ghtPigeonpewmja004pizzaboyfriendcrisvasrannoch
    • 714
    • RETWEETS
    fuckutomSizzzzzzzlePigeonpewfriarzerojoestandoleboismQBallKeefChrisPittsley
    slimepukematthandlersux
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    correct me if i’m wrong but did i just invent chess on twitter:

    rkbqzbkr
    pppppppp
    ========
    ========
    ========
    ========
    PPPPPPPP
    RKBQZBKR

    • 891
    • FAVS
    xurxomartinezNonfatMikestefanguimondParentNormal_NotAnExitSethrogen______rachaellorenedancing4poetry__
    • 1,024
    • RETWEETS
    stefanguimondericaronsonJared_haywood2danizwatermelonmeath__c__rwhatsanovenjpleboeuf
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    it would be pretty badass if people never stopped growing and old people were like 30 feet tall. anyway thanks for coming to my TED talk

    • 1,246
    • FAVS
    WSingelstadmsquinnscoSteckelurinarymeatus69austerehoundlaneweaverzheyhayhar
    • 644
    • RETWEETS
    urinarymeatus69circusmaximus69__fuckutomDrEvil2791CamJewtonaidangladhugecargoshortskeithnevin
    gspelsDrewFitz
@fart

@fart

writer, idiot, @devops thought lord

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