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  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    i bought a 30 pack of condoms and they expire in 2016. i’m crunching the numbers here and it’s not looking good

    • 4,127
    • FAVS
    FavstardomDrewLogmicheilrsmith_8whatlucesaidp3restroikaUrucCurrjoek37TimothyPhamous
    • 2,719
    • RETWEETS
    MattsHappyFaceishouldgethelpsamantha_dormantouhoumouEphruzSummonerShuribrandycraveirohipsterboner
    bloptPlaying_DadHome_HalfwaypartiallyproElColonelCortezsomeofmybest_correctomundoIamEnidColeslaw
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    wait, THESE are pistachios? i’ve been calling them wood clams

    • 2,753
    • FAVS
    atanenhausFavstardomryavesJasmoboticaRandiRocksimadepoopstodaymollybelleJeffisamess
    • 1,408
    • RETWEETS
    criticalbillimadepoopstodayhassanaqeel2amymay26PrinceDerkahalbrownleeMiloWendellQuinny_Pie
    earfdaeduplicitronHome_HalfwayGregDorrisLunarmayorUpturnedBathtubedzitronmadamezoobleRowdyBowden
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    i saw an ad on craigslist once that said “free firewood, u collect it” so i wrote the guy and said “bud you just wrote an ad for the woods”

    • 2,796
    • FAVS
    johnspoonbossyThisWouldBeAceGJessicaCorbelizabeth_seidlJacksonPolyprealtaylersHowMuchForGoatMagnettis
    • 1,360
    • RETWEETS
    UrucCurrnosugreFniveKboatsemat_potatochipsbonerman_incdoctor_assconorgiardyugret
    greenteam15Home_Halfwaypudding_clubtlemcoBassoonJokesTheFearBoners____KampSinloveletterbombsrobfee
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    kicked out of The Hobbit for shouting “NOW WE’RE TOLKIEN” every time something happened

    • 2,275
    • FAVS
    SamuelLessingJenupiterPlaying_Dadjimsamedideceiand0naldderkanergyemptylakes
    • 1,237
    • RETWEETS
    UrucCurrssssssnukielsiestarkeyAnaLennon27anneixonNoHopeForSomedheadshotmwil_cl
    philyuck
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    did you see the @gofundme where awful people are literally rewarding darren wilson with cash for killing a black guy pic.twitter.com/KLGvLPRaxZ

    • 759
    • FAVS
    brandonriver_aFazio_NShannonAuvilPlaying_DadDjoulzzevents_occurus_er_na_m_elacedupthuggg
    • 2,505
    • RETWEETS
    Fazio_Nhey_ImTedDjoulzzPoisson2_0hiiimsydneyTerminaIIyChillsdannisongCultHero
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    actually, Bon Jovi is the name of the BAND. you're thinking of Bon Jovi's monster

    • 2,099
    • FAVS
    KiffyKokalnorthdakota111hello_saylorsmlemusicKatieKowalski12JaymayAllDayTheFearOfRobotsAlexandreaQ
    • 1,156
    • RETWEETS
    UrucCurrJaymayAllDayAliceymooTaylorEdLukeThaddeusMozartNotMattOhmanncourtbooHymTheGrimeGod
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    do you think any old west guys ever made a poop and then shot the poop with a gun

    • 1,962
    • FAVS
    smeagolsfreemichael_carter2kyleveBrentforbrainsaKhalifa101freezoid400chuchugoogoomegatronthemost
    • 949
    • RETWEETS
    WhiteyBolgerDanCoolMoonGuyLaraRegimejimmah120swag_diSPENCERConnor_BrandtDemianJohnstonDickScurvy
    constantlyjoshgreenteam15TheAnimePoliceIamEnidColeslawKampSinrad_milkElephartrobdelaney
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    i’m worried that when i am 69 years old i will laugh for an entire year

    • 1,558
    • FAVS
    FavstardomUrucCurrIggySuarezkennedylryanmorganlewis8VitoriaTrapaniR_A_C_H_E_LLVNjoro
    • 936
    • RETWEETS
    FavstardomGarrettOnParadeliamhagan_1morganlewis8crazynicaaHeyItsEmmaCareyranpo1965Wolfy_12
    iBlayneBrianhopecomedyGriffinrebornmojo_ca
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    my neck, my back, my pizza and my snacks

    • 1,265
    • FAVS
    FunniestEverSwarmOfBees2000weasel_breathNatBenColStoop_Kid42davidmillershawDogjailincestguy
    • 1,159
    • RETWEETS
    FunniestEverdukesrealnowLogan_DeckardBurgerdude1487DrunkReptileLilebolababyrichard_drenchWeeabooThot
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    god is real and he's waited around for 13.7 billion years to watch you masturbate and get mad about it

    • 1,333
    • FAVS
    UrucCurrkennedylryankylevesmeagolsfreeaKhalifa101tylersnotes_magowanZach_with_a_k
    • 965
    • RETWEETS
    dz0methemostbrianBennyAnticsDanCoolMoonGuycquigs12ethics13DemianJohnstoncashiemay
    poopiestOzymandingus______ThisAlexStein
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    over 7 years ago i added false information to the Manimal wikipedia article. it's still there. pic.twitter.com/do6jcHlinO

    • 1,725
    • FAVS
    eafrenchPlaying_DadErikSomevillejimsamediRealBoyBillGregDeanemuteboyVersacebentleys
    • 483
    • RETWEETS
    robhunter82marijanemuteboyanythingplusmorM_Schwartzkopfswhipsterlesliesmith_Adam_8392
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    i don't smoke weed because last time i did it i stood in the kitchen and boiled an onion and ate it and the whole process took like 4 hours

    • 1,485
    • FAVS
    UrucCurrShannonAuvilPlaying_DadJaded_TomThisWouldBeAceGkennedylryanjgoody13modscum
    • 657
    • RETWEETS
    DeusExJuiceMattPee_Cam_DogRyanLaRicheDavosFreezeChoppedPuddlesthornmousemajorgoob
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    RT @samuelrahsaan: Last time I hooped in Moore Gym I was guarding a dude with no socks on and he did a spin move and a smashed Mcdouble fel…

    • 1
    • FAV
    PaperWash
    • 2,071
    • RETWEETS
    harrisonvcAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    so wait, explain again how “butt dial” is different from “booty call”? it still sounds like i should come over

    • 1,294
    • FAVS
    FunniestEverUrucCurrchristianbarbinChuckyNookieMacKooliokennedylryanJamesRoscowtthomp1403
    • 774
    • RETWEETS
    yamilettttttFunniestEverUrucCurrZane_StephensphilleebeCalum_oOoOkylereed96dtfdamon
    OhMattyBoytlemco
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    Wow a guy on the train just got up and said "Remember rugrats. Remember the 90s" and now we're all standing up clapping and cheering for him

    • 1,230
    • FAVS
    UrucCurrSilasEganswiggityswaggitSynthJonahkennedylryanpobdoqNoHopeForSomemoconnell23
    • 691
    • RETWEETS
    UrucCurrSynthJonahdaunishnegargarbellavantkylereed96acpartharis__sNoHopeForSome
    slimepukematthandlersux
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    correct me if i’m wrong but did i just invent chess on twitter:

    rkbqzbkr
    pppppppp
    ========
    ========
    ========
    ========
    PPPPPPPP
    RKBQZBKR

    • 880
    • FAVS
    MooseXLsmeagolsfreeaKhalifa101BonjohhtschmiedlSavMcIntyrebrianAoconnormichael_carter2
    • 1,021
    • RETWEETS
    h__c__rwhatsanovenjpleboeufoutofmyplanetTheTechChatmicahsb_DerNilsAzarus
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    it would be pretty badass if people never stopped growing and old people were like 30 feet tall. anyway thanks for coming to my TED talk

    • 1,227
    • FAVS
    fdigankarmodscumgrassdogwillwjohnsheetsanwillbillkunzpggagnon
    • 635
    • RETWEETS
    NateBoulangerAnIIRemyTweTrothemostbriandz0mebvazzPossiblyAlansuperpixels
    gspelsDrewFitz
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    “9/11 was an inside job” -dominos pizza pic.twitter.com/WvPxSWdY49

    • 1,208
    • FAVS
    UrucCurrwelpcommadecemeyernicolecorielynsKristyyyy_chloeram0newusstunes
    • 632
    • RETWEETS
    UrucCurrmadelineudelwelpcommaCodyRyanCarrelchloeram0nemmccormick81uglywhitedudeass_dad
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    my dream job is to be the FBI guy who nicknames criminals. someone blew up a fish market? Tunabomber. easy.

    • 990
    • FAVS
    UrucCurrAmandaRothausdefnecalimodscumkyleveharrisonvcFYU411aKhalifa101
    • 539
    • RETWEETS
    UrucCurrdz0meharrisonvcwhatsanovensomecleverthingMikeHaunch0CubiekartCopaseticSoulz
    JohnASinclair
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    if macklemore were lactose intolerant he would be milknomore. this web site is a hell to me

    • 1,149
    • FAVS
    lakotadlustigConsumingLipidsjimsamediMacKoolioMolloGraceReganWagner113bethany_rominority723
    • 351
    • RETWEETS
    notkeyerCroutonicTurtleMichaelSteeberGarrettOnParadeMatt_OlszewskinessadinneensmaithesmaiBrannMuffinnn
    Secks_man
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