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i bought a 30 pack of condoms and they expire in 2016. i’m crunching the numbers here and it’s not looking good
no, no-- i'm pro-life only until the baby is born. after that the baby must exist in a hellworld of preventable disease and gun violence
i saw an ad on craigslist once that said “free firewood, u collect it” so i wrote the guy and said “bud you just wrote an ad for the woods”
kicked out of The Hobbit for shouting “NOW WE’RE TOLKIEN” every time something happened
wait, THESE are pistachios? i’ve been calling them wood clams
actually, Bon Jovi is the name of the BAND. you're thinking of Bon Jovi's monster
i don't smoke weed because last time i did it i stood in the kitchen and boiled an onion and ate it and the whole process took like 4 hours
i’m worried that when i am 69 years old i will laugh for an entire year
do you think any old west guys ever made a poop and then shot the poop with a gun
it'd be wise to take an archery class before you die so you can be a skeleton archer. don't end up a rusty sword skeleton if you can help it
my neck, my back, my pizza and my snacks
god is real and he's waited around for 13.7 billion years to watch you masturbate and get mad about it
when an incalculable number of innocent people have died because of an amendment, maybe its not a great amendment. just spitballin here gang
so wait, explain again how “butt dial” is different from “booty call”? it still sounds like i should come over
it would be pretty badass if people never stopped growing and old people were like 30 feet tall. anyway thanks for coming to my TED talk
silicon valley's most influential thought leader. @devops badboy.
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