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  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    i bought a 30 pack of condoms and they expire in 2016. i’m crunching the numbers here and it’s not looking good

    • 3,690
    • FAVS
    BackpackerBooieWilmerSLburton8rdrewwesleyyvanessaishhSpinmasterflexdeodorantingRyDeBe
    • 2,569
    • RETWEETS
    Rasbanda_ManoloTurboJellyBeanPaulyPavillainslopoke1000technochtitlan_ryanballPDThatRexGuyredthe1
    bloptPlaying_DadHome_HalfwaypartiallyproElColonelCortezsomeofmybest_correctomundoIamEnidColeslaw
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    i saw an ad on craigslist once that said “free firewood, u collect it” so i wrote the guy and said “bud you just wrote an ad for the woods”

    • 2,526
    • FAVS
    drewwesleyyundonestarAndLive2LoveTom_BrigliaraynmaynardtrvrplkDanaMirianiLoniGaisford
    • 1,261
    • RETWEETS
    AndLive2LoveTotallyAnalogConnor_BrandtConnerswantonTheBabyJaysuscremaster221JoeThillupcyberdude69
    greenteam15Home_Halfwaypudding_clubtlemcoBassoonJokesTheFearBoners____KampSinloveletterbombsrobfee
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    wait, THESE are pistachios? i’ve been calling them wood clams

    • 2,104
    • FAVS
    WilmerSLtrvrplkrosiebenneryennhi_geniellliebellliealinaloljholssonMiklilj
    • 1,157
    • RETWEETS
    MikliljsarabananabearQuotebookGuyBellows_Alexoddologyboobsmcgee21SleeplessnNwJrzPeterVeneto
    duplicitronHome_HalfwayGregDorrisLunarmayorActingAnEejitedzitronmadamezoobleRowdyBowden
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    kicked out of The Hobbit for shouting “NOW WE’RE TOLKIEN” every time something happened

    • 2,002
    • FAVS
    trvrplkConstantlyjoshlasserimmerbrantestepsnow_vanWeezerStillGoodMakeItHaeskeOlaf_dePolaf
    • 1,116
    • RETWEETS
    OG_CostanzaSenorNiceGuyOlaf_dePolafLarryDump44ShiflettBrosThereminaCannonLeeedzitron
    philyuck
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    do you think any old west guys ever made a poop and then shot the poop with a gun

    • 1,944
    • FAVS
    PaperWashtrvrplkmartiejtjimandrewsmusicBigRim79GinGanderThewizardslayerbrantestep
    • 947
    • RETWEETS
    DickScurvyBigRim79GinGanderConstantlyjoshMychalKitchenjmgalloflyingbackbonefancydodge
    Constantlyjoshgreenteam15TheAnimePoliceIamEnidColeslawKampSinrad_milkElephartrobdelaney
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    i’m worried that when i am 69 years old i will laugh for an entire year

    • 1,494
    • FAVS
    WilmerSLtrvrplkConstantlyjoshbrantestepStevenBarnumEnnui_Raverdjdavemichaelssnow_van
    • 891
    • RETWEETS
    relatable90skiddmutatiPeterVenetoFolkGangSwagmadcatdiseaseThereminaedzitronspxxkxrbvx
    iBlayneBrianhopecomedyGriffinrebornmojo_ca
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    my neck, my back, my pizza and my snacks

    • 1,155
    • FAVS
    djdavemichaelsisaacmnelsongothmomjeansConstaDimplesfreeringpopsseanmulanjsatklittlestwayne
    • 1,110
    • RETWEETS
    CubiekartDoTheBortmanSummerMashelEmCreelBARightnowarJimba_juicehideous_pizzaellesheasky
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    god is real and he's waited around for 13.7 billion years to watch you masturbate and get mad about it

    • 1,245
    • FAVS
    bobbytrvrplklasserimmerbrantestepsconesaregooddjdavemichaelscyberdude69Bloomfeld
    • 937
    • RETWEETS
    OG_Costanzatrvrplk15MeterClassYasTazerathskeptic562000AgnosticMuvmenttravis1100lawey
    poopiestOzymandingus______ThisAlexStein
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    RT @samuelrahsaan: Last time I hooped in Moore Gym I was guarding a dude with no socks on and he did a spin move and a smashed Mcdouble fel…

    • 1
    • FAV
    PaperWash
    • 2,070
    • RETWEETS
    Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    i don't smoke weed because last time i did it i stood in the kitchen and boiled an onion and ate it and the whole process took like 4 hours

    • 1,405
    • FAVS
    WilmerSLMimmiLindqvist_lnkling_TavaSlavA_CREEPjawbrokenCam_OflageVerjinyaWolf
    • 644
    • RETWEETS
    elinsandlunduncooldanaVerjinyaWolfMementhMnWzrdWhithbrin355TriHugsIconDevco
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    so wait, explain again how “butt dial” is different from “booty call”? it still sounds like i should come over

    • 1,272
    • FAVS
    drewwesleyyrockcockvlad_69Tucker3001djdavemichaelssnow_vannishadtrivedirobbiegoodwinStupidHumansUSA
    • 764
    • RETWEETS
    cminottsVansantcKirbysLeftEyeDavidglass_55IggySuarezjoflorescwolbarefootLarryDump44
    OhMattyBoytlemco
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    correct me if i’m wrong but did i just invent chess on twitter:

    rkbqzbkr
    pppppppp
    ========
    ========
    ========
    ========
    PPPPPPPP
    RKBQZBKR

    • 868
    • FAVS
    ConstantlyjoshdjdavemichaelsnishadtrivediAzaruscarstenbuchholzderPaddyschwarzbartkungler
    • 1,018
    • RETWEETS
    outofmyplanetTheTechChatmicahsb_DerNilsAzaruscarstenbuchholzderPaddyMenschZwoNull
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    Wow a guy on the train just got up and said "Remember rugrats. Remember the 90s" and now we're all standing up clapping and cheering for him

    • 1,153
    • FAVS
    hipsterscumbagACwazHereRichPowe11brantestepdjdavemichaelssnow_vannishadtrivediStupidHumansUSA
    • 666
    • RETWEETS
    patrickeckhartSenorNiceGuyamnxietyNachoHombreJessieWilson4CigsUnfoundedAlyxGardnersunfilter
    slimepukematthandlersux
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    my dream job is to be the FBI guy who nicknames criminals. someone blew up a fish market? Tunabomber. easy.

    • 974
    • FAVS
    djdavemichaelssnow_vanScilladillanishadtrivediTenHarperdeggLucas_GardnerIggySuarez
    • 533
    • RETWEETS
    CubiekartCopaseticSoulzYour_M0MsNikatNiteNiteOldUncleDaveOmmortenson11BavaLIen_HouseZlivinlots
    JohnASinclair
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    it would be pretty badass if people never stopped growing and old people were like 30 feet tall. anyway thanks for coming to my TED talk

    • 853
    • FAVS
    burton8rhambaggersnow_vannishadtrivedidustinmizellepatandriolarenas_oFolkGangSwag
    • 503
    • RETWEETS
    CubiekartTomtheRipperrenas_oslotterhousermmortenson11_el_sid_KanellosCOREjossssssssh
    gspelsDrewFitz
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    extreme jesus died on the motocross

    • 813
    • FAVS
    WilmerSLburton8rAsdafdjdavemichaelsJohnASinclairdustinmizelleStupidHumansUSAdegg
    • 539
    • RETWEETS
    JoseArielCuevasmr305recordsToshvahSenorNiceGuymr_malakasbenjgoldenbergoctoqtbecca_norton8
    tlemcoJeremiahLee
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    “all my exes live in t-rexes” -popular caveman thing to say

    • 648
    • FAVS
    ConstantlyjoshdjdavemichaelsdeggHellraizerbotslotterhouserChenteFCgothmomjeansBarnCrewNipples
    • 684
    • RETWEETS
    LarryDump44asliceofkimbojosssssssshDylan_GordyTangy__faarfanRoelof_Prinsmusfirashaffi
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    are you over age 24? Lou Bega had already recorded and released Mambo #5 by that age. what have you done with your life you loser

    • 628
    • FAVS
    PhilNistamydanimariedjdavemichaelsgothmomjeansdanternet_babelinconLiam0BrienBarnCrewNipples
    • 666
    • RETWEETS
    MrStrongStyledjdavemichaelsLucyPartnernicklipapocalypsedoeRealAdultPersonekrubnivekchuckmanmeat
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    we NEED to put god back in our public schools. (so he can learn a thing or two about science, contraception, evolution, equal rights, etc)

    • 776
    • FAVS
    WilmerSLConstantlyjoshbrantestepdjdavemichaelsKobeKinnickeconomyofspacenishadtrivediNUDE_COP
    • 498
    • RETWEETS
    DrewLogslotterhouserdadVelmaBryukF__ALT_DAD__promissory_boatOrSlawrileyrosez
    zachheltzeljimography
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    we should attack now when they'd least expect it #WarOnChristmas

    • 696
    • FAVS
    HellraizerbotgothmomjeansDanKCharnleyBClaeys17stillconorNonCombosMentosQstachemrford0
    • 521
    • RETWEETS
    SenorNiceGuyErikMagnuUrucCurrMaryHartmanx2manoftomorrow01rcgiffSeanCCurriethesaintwill
@fart

@fart

i am a writer, i'm very buff, i kiss my own nice legs every day, and i own 7 tuxedos (soon to be 8). #nowplaying Willie Nelson - Always On My Mind