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  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    i bought a 30 pack of condoms and they expire in 2016. i’m crunching the numbers here and it’s not looking good

    • 4,507
    • FAVS
    McDoveinKiran_shankerCJ_KiseljacnarjstephwilliiamsFRANcIS_THEMANdancolantonio4gallagherisgood
    • 2,876
    • RETWEETS
    McDoveinRaisaTT1CJ_KiselaquafreshXTREMEmarranaraJDelViLoboRundasHeyOpossumh
    ParentNormalbloptPlaying_DadHome_HalfwaypartiallyproElColonelCortezsomeofmybest_correctomundoIamEnidColeslaw
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    no, no-- i'm pro-life only until the baby is born. after that the baby must exist in a hellworld of preventable disease and gun violence

    • 4,216
    • FAVS
    lizzie_pgdampbamyaboyrackemmajlawkassandrajae_JessieCaprinoguacpowercrunchteddybIess
    • 2,918
    • RETWEETS
    kaleejoyemmajlawkassandrajaeAmSocksickestfucklsebianjaydutchdeeeebag
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    i saw an ad on craigslist once that said “free firewood, u collect it” so i wrote the guy and said “bud you just wrote an ad for the woods”

    • 3,770
    • FAVS
    bigdmac13MK12679jgod42Poopy_Pizza_Palthermos_hantsquaregreeleygeekLeSavonBinette
    • 1,734
    • RETWEETS
    jerry_eldredcodegBeerMeABeerdainjazoneclrkdclay_maynetheNathanK9andytaylor6
    greenteam15Home_HalfwayseanxolearytlemcoBassoonJokesTheFearBoners____kampsinloveletterbombsrobfee
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    the guy from modest mouse sings like someone is chasing him with a garden hose

    • 3,697
    • FAVS
    frenchielaboozirahorvathGoodOleyprodigisspagheadacheMlKIKAORUdiana_penglasenophxnintended
    • 1,771
    • RETWEETS
    Comatose_BatMlKIKAORUangeIicaaaodetodelaneyemmadonovan272fucktheghostchiigusasworldclassdad
    SteveDutzy
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    kicked out of The Hobbit for shouting “NOW WE’RE TOLKIEN” every time something happened

    • 3,404
    • FAVS
    SaladFartS_SL8KaleidoscoAzulCalebNanssirCrumblelotBrennanR11KenzieKrisstimrwhite16
    • 1,763
    • RETWEETS
    PorkUrPineaquafreshXTREMEquigles81AstridvdWoldeheyitsmeCDblindjennaaKyleDoudawk_elizabeth
    DrDweezilphilyuck
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    wait, THESE are pistachios? i’ve been calling them wood clams

    • 3,290
    • FAVS
    okayjuliazaraleascottioKristenSmiiththemiltronKaleidoscoAzulxkelbelllxjillianpizzutoSydneyful
    • 1,665
    • RETWEETS
    RamblingsbRegankindakookykearajillianpizzutohtefuckinaquafreshXTREMEJonDAlfanoufodonutsbarackoboobs
    earfdaeduplicitronHome_HalfwayGregDorrisLunarmayorUpturnedBathtubedzitronzoeklarRowdyBowden
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    actually, Bon Jovi is the name of the BAND. you're thinking of Bon Jovi's monster

    • 3,094
    • FAVS
    MitchellCurtissHenryPoznanskiDJMashdPotatoezNotRealBryantfleurevolteWilMoss3DavidKajinkjinksam_ettwein
    • 1,778
    • RETWEETS
    Like_the_JeansDavidKajinkjinkreborncynicaquafreshXTREMEtrash24_7lauraytseelinhenningssonSarahWexler
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    i don't smoke weed because last time i did it i stood in the kitchen and boiled an onion and ate it and the whole process took like 4 hours

    • 3,124
    • FAVS
    heatlebjornnivlaGnoraAtrish_shirillaSaltyStevieInterociterlifeisbsowlliicosminaut
    • 1,255
    • RETWEETS
    PogsLikerThatNerdgencosminautthesamsheldonTenderBeefsteakSketchpadTheGr8libbycwatsonsmyzo
    SteveDutzy
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    did you see the @gofundme where awful people are literally rewarding darren wilson with cash for killing a black guy pic.twitter.com/KLGvLPRaxZ

    • 763
    • FAVS
    glenna_optstefanguimondGuyOnDaTerlitthelittlephrasechrisbarnes5000hipsterscumbagbrubinowDaSalamonder
    • 2,505
    • RETWEETS
    MathsHueDan_SalehTrains69Dw_ghtstilliIIelllsbellllsnope421Fazio_N
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    i’m worried that when i am 69 years old i will laugh for an entire year

    • 1,994
    • FAVS
    deathtoscumbagsJanegerJaneJyznagalonglive_john98havbabetatumcecinijulesrazzyLordbrad_
    • 1,100
    • RETWEETS
    aquafreshXTREMEGimmeThaBeckayyanya_keeleighhKirstenTerrillavainmanreal_midskenzieladlawkaylaamadsen
    iBlayneBrianhopecomedyGriffinrebornmojo_ca
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    do you think any old west guys ever made a poop and then shot the poop with a gun

    • 1,991
    • FAVS
    Dank_HerbertfuddlemarkrgschaeferDrewFroggerMollySneedWSingelstadnewtymuttkatienotopoulos
    • 957
    • RETWEETS
    Dank_HerbertfuddlemarkGrrrbichJRfuckutomLunchaballinCabbagejuicetimlavender_burpsFLIRTGOD
    constantlyjoshgreenteam15TheAnimePoliceIamEnidColeslawkampsinrad_milkElephartrobdelaney
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    it'd be wise to take an archery class before you die so you can be a skeleton archer. don't end up a rusty sword skeleton if you can help it

    • 1,741
    • FAVS
    ibuiltaworldkirinqueen4DragonTheatreBattleReportsLord_KandarCampaignCoinsemilycarecamocopgio
    • 1,070
    • RETWEETS
    HashtagGokuLord_KandarBlueblur1charlequinktwelvesjordanmpbrownZweihander01ElfMellon
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    my neck, my back, my pizza and my snacks

    • 1,369
    • FAVS
    jewbajewchristinawilderaudreytang13glenna_optMollySneedkellyandcreamkaviar3319NicolasZoukas
    • 1,202
    • RETWEETS
    jewbajewgofastrunThe1stTylerOmegoon_bryan_whatMNoooooodleLaBelleMaefourwrites
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    god is real and he's waited around for 13.7 billion years to watch you masturbate and get mad about it

    • 1,359
    • FAVS
    glenna_optPlankfanfuddlemarkethan_laymandeathtoscumbagsBigMoney_MorrowDrewFroggercomradesipho
    • 978
    • RETWEETS
    Fiaca4HeyOpossumhfuckutomurinarymeatus69MangyhuitzilopochtlaMidnight_RanterJackwilshisha
    poopiestOzymandingus______ThisAlexStein
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    over 7 years ago i added false information to the Manimal wikipedia article. it's still there. pic.twitter.com/do6jcHlinO

    • 1,734
    • FAVS
    ethannublePhilRiethGorillaLibrndbloomvogonGregorStockshipsterbonerMollySneed
    • 484
    • RETWEETS
    PhilRietha_lolbrarianMikeHaunch0TheAmitiekonstamadianosmkglothurinarymeatus69gavinpivott
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    so wait, explain again how “butt dial” is different from “booty call”? it still sounds like i should come over

    • 1,341
    • FAVS
    fuddlemarkethan_laymanYardBarbiedeathtoscumbagsandrewdupontWSingelstadBretLeTmiscgrant
    • 787
    • RETWEETS
    DrewFroggerhrdgrdMattsBestTweetsjoeydollazzMacKooliodavidwadesTyPhyter_declanreid
    OhMattyBoytlemco
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    RT @samuelrahsaan: Last time I hooped in Moore Gym I was guarding a dude with no socks on and he did a spin move and a smashed Mcdouble fel…

    • 4
    • FAVS
    glenna_optPopeJohn69onlinernetPaperWash
    • 2,071
    • RETWEETS
    harrisonvcAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    Wow a guy on the train just got up and said "Remember rugrats. Remember the 90s" and now we're all standing up clapping and cheering for him

    • 1,285
    • FAVS
    sam_ettweinKAMSConfessionsBring_Napkinsglenna_optFoley_MefuddlemarkDrewFroggerblackkdan
    • 719
    • RETWEETS
    aquafreshXTREMEedmundgeorgeFoley_MeFiaca4HeyOpossumhfuckutomSizzzzzzzlePigeonpew
    slimepukematthandlersux
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    correct me if i’m wrong but did i just invent chess on twitter:

    rkbqzbkr
    pppppppp
    ========
    ========
    ========
    ========
    PPPPPPPP
    RKBQZBKR

    • 895
    • FAVS
    KAMSConfessionsjacnarjglenna_optgoobieleexurxomartinezNonfatMikestefanguimondParentNormal
    • 1,025
    • RETWEETS
    aquafreshXTREMEGregorStocksstefanguimondericaronsonJared_haywood2danizwatermelonmeath__c__r
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    it would be pretty badass if people never stopped growing and old people were like 30 feet tall. anyway thanks for coming to my TED talk

    • 1,247
    • FAVS
    sam_ettweinTrustInTristinrafaeljg_blackkdanWSingelstadmsquinnscoSteckel
    • 646
    • RETWEETS
    aquafreshXTREMEBTrue1820krjohn01SeanFitzpaddykblogginsurinarymeatus69circusmaximus69__fuckutom
    gspelsDrewFitz
@fart

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