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  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    i bought a 30 pack of condoms and they expire in 2016. i’m crunching the numbers here and it’s not looking good

    • 4,121
    • FAVS
    hipsterbonerkennedylryanVirescencebdohner32SwayzesMulletMayerPaulHansSkogvoldmanojgengini
    • 2,712
    • RETWEETS
    hipsterbonerainsley66BladesOfCoreyKMThierryAndreLutherKingHusjojolaRichieSpanishTBLord_Bills47
    bloptPlaying_DadHome_HalfwaypartiallyproElColonelCortezsomeofmybest_correctomundoIamEnidColeslaw
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    i saw an ad on craigslist once that said “free firewood, u collect it” so i wrote the guy and said “bud you just wrote an ad for the woods”

    • 2,784
    • FAVS
    joek37Lucifurby_PizzaSam31JAllen52kaudinosaurkylevetylermcjunkin26KrisIsInBlighty
    • 1,357
    • RETWEETS
    yugretaimsterderpDragons_Bloodtylermcjunkin26timmywirtzwaynebratton1chloeram0necatherine14346
    greenteam15Home_Halfwaypudding_clubtlemcoBassoonJokesTheFearBoners____KampSinloveletterbombsrobfee
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    wait, THESE are pistachios? i’ve been calling them wood clams

    • 2,598
    • FAVS
    kennedylryanmarieberdbryanjewellbucketcullenBitchyPhotogrlmitchbd13duyarvishvernonvenom1187
    • 1,370
    • RETWEETS
    TheBodaShowADumbFlowersUweBollocksmarmolheaterrjohnson291Dragons_BloodNoHopeForSomepallys0n
    earfdaeduplicitronHome_HalfwayGregDorrisLunarmayorUpturnedBathtubedzitronmadamezoobleRowdyBowden
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    kicked out of The Hobbit for shouting “NOW WE’RE TOLKIEN” every time something happened

    • 2,272
    • FAVS
    iand0naldderkanergyemptylakeskingoffthebeachMooseXLumtaryntheheabpobdoq
    • 1,236
    • RETWEETS
    ssssssnukielsiestarkeyAnaLennon27anneixonNoHopeForSomedheadshotmwil_clalxhuls
    philyuck
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    did you see the @gofundme where awful people are literally rewarding darren wilson with cash for killing a black guy pic.twitter.com/KLGvLPRaxZ

    • 752
    • FAVS
    kennedylryanvoleavoilestinemcclellanemraoulAlaeBennaniteebo_Lsamyga38aeshir
    • 2,505
    • RETWEETS
    SarahLazregTchill_ZuluGanGJaysondigitalnorzlegilloujj_wedemyerNicolasJuheleazyrooster
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    actually, Bon Jovi is the name of the BAND. you're thinking of Bon Jovi's monster

    • 2,066
    • FAVS
    kennedylryan0zMoviespbyrnenewpageonegeckalesunderdougspmitch_paysin
    • 1,144
    • RETWEETS
    GreggyStardustkalinahcassieszogass_chwarzemma_louise_16daunishnegargarCalum_oOoOkylereed96
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    do you think any old west guys ever made a poop and then shot the poop with a gun

    • 1,962
    • FAVS
    smeagolsfreemichael_carter2kyleveBrentforbrainsaKhalifa101freezoid400chuchugoogoomegatronthemost
    • 949
    • RETWEETS
    WhiteyBolgerDanCoolMoonGuyLaraRegimejimmah120swag_diSPENCERConnor_BrandtDemianJohnstonDickScurvy
    Occasionalyjoshgreenteam15TheAnimePoliceIamEnidColeslawKampSinrad_milkElephartrobdelaney
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    i’m worried that when i am 69 years old i will laugh for an entire year

    • 1,556
    • FAVS
    IggySuarezkennedylryanmorganlewis8VitoriaTrapaniR_A_C_H_E_LLVNjoroXxBossKADAxXLucifurby_
    • 933
    • RETWEETS
    morganlewis8crazynicaaHeyItsEmmaCareyranpo1965Wolfy_12CelsoPiazziLucifurby_613STEVE
    iBlayneBrianhopecomedyGriffinrebornmojo_ca
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    my neck, my back, my pizza and my snacks

    • 1,232
    • FAVS
    IggySuarezkennedylryanMattPassComedystephanplofskyMullinKjLowkeyTwitsfunnyasfartsNigelVenable
    • 1,146
    • RETWEETS
    IggySuarezjohnoverweglearmeowMullinKjturtlesandnigsDukeRaccoonpatchak21D_AGOSTINO
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    god is real and he's waited around for 13.7 billion years to watch you masturbate and get mad about it

    • 1,332
    • FAVS
    kennedylryankylevesmeagolsfreeaKhalifa101tylersnotes_magowanZach_with_a_kRyanLaRiche
    • 965
    • RETWEETS
    dz0methemostbrianBennyAnticsDanCoolMoonGuycquigs12ethics13DemianJohnstoncashiemay
    poopiestOzymandingus______ThisAlexStein
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    over 7 years ago i added false information to the Manimal wikipedia article. it's still there. pic.twitter.com/do6jcHlinO

    • 1,724
    • FAVS
    muteboyVersacebentleysdom_as_hellCannonManGGralaska0JackNitro0thomas_violencejwoodham
    • 482
    • RETWEETS
    marijanemuteboyanythingplusmorM_Schwartzkopfswhipsterlesliesmith_Adam_8392Piemanpie24
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    i don't smoke weed because last time i did it i stood in the kitchen and boiled an onion and ate it and the whole process took like 4 hours

    • 1,483
    • FAVS
    kennedylryanjgoody13Lucifurby_cool_bugsA_Hammer_BoyDeusExJuiceyomolly69smeagolsfree
    • 657
    • RETWEETS
    DeusExJuiceMattPee_Cam_DogRyanLaRicheDavosFreezeChoppedPuddlesthornmousemajorgoob
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    RT @samuelrahsaan: Last time I hooped in Moore Gym I was guarding a dude with no socks on and he did a spin move and a smashed Mcdouble fel…

    • 1
    • FAV
    PaperWash
    • 2,071
    • RETWEETS
    harrisonvcAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    so wait, explain again how “butt dial” is different from “booty call”? it still sounds like i should come over

    • 1,290
    • FAVS
    kennedylryanJamesRoscowtthomp1403SaraKate97chandler_nopedang_cutiekylevelesterfreamon
    • 771
    • RETWEETS
    Calum_oOoOkylereed96dtfdamonchandler_nopedang_cutieKlynParkerFYU411Cam_Dog
    OhMattyBoytlemco
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    Wow a guy on the train just got up and said "Remember rugrats. Remember the 90s" and now we're all standing up clapping and cheering for him

    • 1,226
    • FAVS
    kennedylryanpobdoqNoHopeForSomemoconnell23kylevesmeagolsfreeaKhalifa101Cam_Dog
    • 689
    • RETWEETS
    daunishnegargarbellavantkylereed96acpartharis__sNoHopeForSomethemostbrianztutrebla
    slimepukematthandlersux
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    correct me if i’m wrong but did i just invent chess on twitter:

    rkbqzbkr
    pppppppp
    ========
    ========
    ========
    ========
    PPPPPPPP
    RKBQZBKR

    • 880
    • FAVS
    MooseXLsmeagolsfreeaKhalifa101BonjohhtschmiedlSavMcIntyrebrianAoconnormichael_carter2
    • 1,021
    • RETWEETS
    h__c__rwhatsanovenjpleboeufoutofmyplanetTheTechChatmicahsb_DerNilsAzarus
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    it would be pretty badass if people never stopped growing and old people were like 30 feet tall. anyway thanks for coming to my TED talk

    • 1,227
    • FAVS
    Lucifurby_grassdogwillwjohnsheetsanwillbillkunzpggagnonzachgrosser
    • 635
    • RETWEETS
    TweTrothemostbriandz0mebvazzPossiblyAlansuperpixelskyleveBrentforbrains
    gspelsDrewFitz
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    “9/11 was an inside job” -dominos pizza pic.twitter.com/WvPxSWdY49

    • 1,207
    • FAVS
    meyernicolecorielynsKristyyyy_chloeram0newusstuneshighwbummccormick81AldePerez
    • 631
    • RETWEETS
    CodyRyanCarrelchloeram0nemmccormick81uglywhitedudeass_dadRsparks57JakesterrReIntonation
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    my dream job is to be the FBI guy who nicknames criminals. someone blew up a fish market? Tunabomber. easy.

    • 989
    • FAVS
    defnecaliLucifurby_kyleveharrisonvcFYU411aKhalifa101Cam_DogBonjohh
    • 538
    • RETWEETS
    dz0meharrisonvcwhatsanovensomecleverthingMikeHaunch0CubiekartCopaseticSoulzYour_M0Ms
    JohnASinclair
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    if macklemore were lactose intolerant he would be milknomore. this web site is a hell to me

    • 1,141
    • FAVS
    canniballana_colasantiVM_VanderhugeokayjuliaLordDoddAnjieDookiemorkshorkSnackDroid
    • 347
    • RETWEETS
    smaithesmaiBrannMuffinnn_QueenAmanda_emonuggetsSuperSMadsenScottyLakinblazingturddustinthejew
    Secks_man
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