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  • fart
      good jon hendren @fart

    i bought a 30 pack of condoms and they expire in 2016. i’m crunching the numbers here and it’s not looking good

    • 3,784
    • FAVS
    Cam_DogmegatronthemostBonjohhjacksonplongTantaClausCOMPUTER_KIDwutanggokupenchapoy
    • 2,592
    • RETWEETS
    DickDankstardlyMNXVIII_69TantaClausPlankfancatherineelmsevan__foreverspencerAlaneFrenchEastwood
    bloptPlaying_DadHome_HalfwaypartiallyproElColonelCortezsomeofmybest_correctomundoIamEnidColeslaw
  • fart
      good jon hendren @fart

    i saw an ad on craigslist once that said “free firewood, u collect it” so i wrote the guy and said “bud you just wrote an ad for the woods”

    • 2,774
    • FAVS
    LordDoddzayedk88joyjadinRad_shackwoodlandreabollhav1supermdhartbutt
    • 1,351
    • RETWEETS
    catherine14346ZackMerritt5georaffeskehovachorn2269lowtech42Jordan__Rattraypinkeyeflight
    greenteam15Home_Halfwaypudding_clubtlemcoBassoonJokesTheFearBoners____KampSinloveletterbombsrobfee
  • fart
      good jon hendren @fart

    wait, THESE are pistachios? i’ve been calling them wood clams

    • 2,217
    • FAVS
    EdgarAllanLoasimpleseanJake_is_bAtmAnjacksonplongCynicFalloutEricjamesmeyerkaylaydoyNiqSpecht
    • 1,204
    • RETWEETS
    LinLorienelenKateSmolinskiKathleenSmithhhLord_Gowmary__coalarklingonkaaatiesliszAllexxisss
    earfdaeduplicitronHome_HalfwayGregDorrisLunarmayorActingAnEejitedzitronmadamezoobleRowdyBowden
  • fart
      good jon hendren @fart

    kicked out of The Hobbit for shouting “NOW WE’RE TOLKIEN” every time something happened

    • 2,195
    • FAVS
    megatronthemostpeasbreadGospodin_CamiloBonjohhHunterHoltroplbpetersenCalebHorvathPlankySmith
    • 1,204
    • RETWEETS
    Matt_FrackOoohToBeAGunneralfabravoteamAFC_CameronBonjohhDeege5GhostofBebopPlankySmith
    philyuck
  • fart
      good jon hendren @fart

    do you think any old west guys ever made a poop and then shot the poop with a gun

    • 1,957
    • FAVS
    freezoid400chuchugoogoomegatronthemostashmcdoDanCoolMoonGuyDrDweezilTotal_Badassjimmah120
    • 949
    • RETWEETS
    WhiteyBolgerDanCoolMoonGuyLaraRegimejimmah120swag_diSPENCERConnor_BrandtDemianJohnstonDickScurvy
    Constantlyjoshgreenteam15TheAnimePoliceIamEnidColeslawKampSinrad_milkElephartrobdelaney
  • fart
      good jon hendren @fart

    i’m worried that when i am 69 years old i will laugh for an entire year

    • 1,511
    • FAVS
    rdc1978julianajones89jkerrigannnLOLGOPmegatronthemostBonjohhbrianaoconnorDrDweezil
    • 896
    • RETWEETS
    AntDiPalmakylekrajDrDweezilMikeHaunch0KatieDx33relatable90skiddmutatiPeterVeneto
    iBlayneBrianhopecomedyGriffinrebornmojo_ca
  • fart
      good jon hendren @fart

    my neck, my back, my pizza and my snacks

    • 1,216
    • FAVS
    megatronthemostCalebHorvathjaswainCantbeTAYmedDanCoolMoonGuyvideocrimeTheColeBurtonEllani_Belle
    • 1,142
    • RETWEETS
    AntDiPalmaillmatic_onesDanCoolMoonGuyvideocrimeTheColeBurtonEllani_Bellem00dypandajareddejour
  • fart
      good jon hendren @fart

    god is real and he's waited around for 13.7 billion years to watch you masturbate and get mad about it

    • 1,328
    • FAVS
    tylersnotes_magowanZach_with_a_kRyanLaRichemegatronthemostCalebHorvathPlankySmithbrianaoconnor
    • 963
    • RETWEETS
    BennyAnticsDanCoolMoonGuycquigs12ethics13DemianJohnstoncashiemayxBerekWrightsleepyflowers_
    poopiestOzymandingus______ThisAlexStein
  • fart
      good jon hendren @fart

    i don't smoke weed because last time i did it i stood in the kitchen and boiled an onion and ate it and the whole process took like 4 hours

    • 1,478
    • FAVS
    MattPee_Cam_DogtheycallmecablNick_Overmyer14_alyssaclickSGriffith_17tklingel23megatronthemost
    • 657
    • RETWEETS
    Cam_DogRyanLaRicheDavosFreezeChoppedPuddlesthornmousemajorgoobscogsysomecleverthing
  • fart
      good jon hendren @fart

    RT @samuelrahsaan: Last time I hooped in Moore Gym I was guarding a dude with no socks on and he did a spin move and a smashed Mcdouble fel…

    • 1
    • FAV
    PaperWash
    • 2,070
    • RETWEETS
    Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • fart
      good jon hendren @fart

    so wait, explain again how “butt dial” is different from “booty call”? it still sounds like i should come over

    • 1,284
    • FAVS
    CasenLewisCam_DogBonjohhDK_AD_brianaoconnorsmashfactoryBennyAnticsoldsaggytwits
    • 770
    • RETWEETS
    Cam_DogCapoe126Drew_NesDK_AD_smashfactoryBennyAnticsoldsaggytwitswhatsanoven
    OhMattyBoytlemco
  • fart
      good jon hendren @fart

    correct me if i’m wrong but did i just invent chess on twitter:

    rkbqzbkr
    pppppppp
    ========
    ========
    ========
    ========
    PPPPPPPP
    RKBQZBKR

    • 877
    • FAVS
    BonjohhtschmiedlSavMcIntyrebrianaoconnormichael_carter2SteveDutzyDemianJohnstonArtemisiaMemn
    • 1,021
    • RETWEETS
    h__c__rwhatsanovenjpleboeufoutofmyplanetTheTechChatmicahsb_DerNilsAzarus
  • fart
      good jon hendren @fart

    Wow a guy on the train just got up and said "Remember rugrats. Remember the 90s" and now we're all standing up clapping and cheering for him

    • 1,219
    • FAVS
    Cam_Doghells_noPlankySmithbrianaoconnorDanCoolMoonGuyfishtillyouwinTotal_Badassmichael_carter2
    • 679
    • RETWEETS
    Dan_SalehDanCoolMoonGuywhatsanovenStixlyboileau123BeccaNydamIVHarrisonPugh1ChuckManMeat
    slimepukematthandlersux
  • fart
      good jon hendren @fart

    it would be pretty badass if people never stopped growing and old people were like 30 feet tall. anyway thanks for coming to my TED talk

    • 1,204
    • FAVS
    Cam_DogBonjohhfat_sacks_Travsn_i_k_k_i__agrlsdemsugartoterssJustHominiukmatty_booooo
    • 627
    • RETWEETS
    Knop917AndrewHasCatsGringoXavElisabethHirschVladChitucTonyLakeydeanmrothSimonSucksz
    gspelsDrewFitz
  • fart
      good jon hendren @fart

    my dream job is to be the FBI guy who nicknames criminals. someone blew up a fish market? Tunabomber. easy.

    • 984
    • FAVS
    Cam_DogBonjohhPlankySmithDrDweezilBobTheSuitTotal_Badassmichael_carter2benbrouckaert
    • 536
    • RETWEETS
    whatsanovensomecleverthingMikeHaunch0CubiekartCopaseticSoulzYour_M0MsNikatNiteNiteOldUncleDaveO
    JohnASinclair
  • fart
      good jon hendren @fart

    extreme jesus died on the motocross

    • 872
    • FAVS
    julianajones89brandnameheroTheFauxtagoniststurllyBonjohhDanCoolMoonGuyDrDweezilmichael_carter2
    • 567
    • RETWEETS
    _strangeLadyAntDiPalmaRyanLaRicheDanCoolMoonGuyholly_eckcurtis_mortonJuggsMastormaddyhawthorn
    tlemcoJeremiahLee
  • fart
      good jon hendren @fart

    “all my exes live in t-rexes” -popular caveman thing to say

    • 656
    • FAVS
    BonjohhjustkramersmashfactoryjmlaveyDrDweezilmichael_carter2SteveDutzyDanReeter
    • 687
    • RETWEETS
    DrDweezilpassthetac0sfavstar_historyJuggsMastorLarryDump44asliceofkimboyungJoshMasadaDylan_Gordy
  • fart
      good jon hendren @fart

    are you over age 24? Lou Bega had already recorded and released Mambo #5 by that age. what have you done with your life you loser

    • 647
    • FAVS
    PlankySmithslooberbiejmlaveyfishtillyouwinTotal_BadassCalebCarreonkcdicegirlCelebrityChez
    • 669
    • RETWEETS
    PlankySmithDinostampedeSteveDutzytitulotentativodanternet_fgb_sherlockgiventofly41MrStrongStyle
    SteveDutzy
  • fart
      good jon hendren @fart

    ⊂_ヽ
      \\ Λ_Λ
       \( ˇωˇ) 
        > ⌒ヽ
       /   へ\
       /  / \\
     🍆レ ノ   ヽ_つ
      / /
      / /|
     ( (ヽ
     | |、\
     | 丿 \ ⌒)
     | |  ) /
    `ノ )  Lノ
    (_/

    • 987
    • FAVS
    AntJKCCOLOLPhilliessenderblock23brubinowGeorgieConwaySirEugenesfaggoymiguelCalebHorvath
    • 302
    • RETWEETS
    faggoymiguelbloodyallenDryonuelydrcafeconchrissypaelizszGabbsZ_Nayyarpshesso_country
  • fart
      good jon hendren @fart

    we NEED to put god back in our public schools. (so he can learn a thing or two about science, contraception, evolution, equal rights, etc)

    • 786
    • FAVS
    julianajones89jkerrigannnemilypostpunkBonjohhPlankySmitholdsaggytwitsDrDweezilTotal_Badass
    • 500
    • RETWEETS
    AntDiPalmanicolini_dmichael_carter2DrewLogslotterhouserdadVelmaBryukF______________ALT_DAD__
    zachheltzeljimography
@fart

@fart

beautiful... kind... a sight to behold. ohh yahhh #ThatsJonBaby