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  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    i bought a 30 pack of condoms and they expire in 2016. i’m crunching the numbers here and it’s not looking good

    • 4,511
    • FAVS
    SuuvamNeupanePT_Swagbag93fingstongtrilluminathanladyfiletevilclaireokay_manchildhellaweentown
    • 2,883
    • RETWEETS
    grabmybutstickdineshgada1973thisisntleroyWeirdBirdPalInsane_CultistFancy_PuffinjakegunstMcDovein
    ParentNormalbloptPlaying_DadHome_HalfwaypartiallyproElColonelCortezsomeofmybest___correctomundoIamEnidColeslaw
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    no, no-- i'm pro-life only until the baby is born. after that the baby must exist in a hellworld of preventable disease and gun violence

    • 4,217
    • FAVS
    JACKSONROYktbeer27JillikinzFancy_Puffin_nickboltonmamkinchoplizzie_pgdampbam
    • 2,919
    • RETWEETS
    renegadeDAJillikinzSlayenneSadekaleejoyemmajlawkassandrajaeAmSocksickestfuck__
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    the guy from modest mouse sings like someone is chasing him with a garden hose

    • 4,154
    • FAVS
    Rhonda_doyjessicamforcehannuhrsSoberedByBricksshmapsterbainardsureyeahrichLindzeta
    • 2,040
    • RETWEETS
    SoberedByBricksGenevieveIrenemrozekydjsannenVojBombcollintheninjagregsimples0ybean
    SteveDutzy
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    i saw an ad on craigslist once that said “free firewood, u collect it” so i wrote the guy and said “bud you just wrote an ad for the woods”

    • 3,782
    • FAVS
    ratchhet_rachelpanderson116theEKGmachinestilettophileJd612JThisEgoAlterRibbyDwingerIceBergMama
    • 1,741
    • RETWEETS
    mitcheubankstherealTippinsC_Chitwood27johnnynewwmanbbyquinnBigLNasty2chelseatippinsstilettophile
    greenteam15Home_Halfwaypudding_clubtlemcoBassoonJokesTheFearBoners____kampsinloveletterbombsrobfee
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    kicked out of The Hobbit for shouting “NOW WE’RE TOLKIEN” every time something happened

    • 3,417
    • FAVS
    FARMULOUSAC_KaterMaudeBallingerDrewJacobsensachasayanAnnieRawlinsmaddiesanders11shadyrebelli0n
    • 1,771
    • RETWEETS
    renegadeDAFARMULOUSLauraBeWaltersmaddiesanders11kyyyyyyra_brandimbetarayniaLordShockwave
    DrDweezilphilyuck
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    wait, THESE are pistachios? i’ve been calling them wood clams

    • 3,290
    • FAVS
    JoJomouthkernst2405okayjuliazaraleascottioKristenSmiiththemiltronKaleidoscoAzulxkelbelllx
    • 1,665
    • RETWEETS
    EeahKaijuRamblingsbRegankindakookykearajillianpizzutohtefuckinaquafreshXTREMEJonDAlfanoufodonuts
    earfdaeduplicitronHome_HalfwayGregDorrisLunarmayorUpturnedBathtubedzitronzoeklarRowdyBowden
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    actually, Bon Jovi is the name of the BAND. you're thinking of Bon Jovi's monster

    • 3,097
    • FAVS
    FARMULOUSRainmanMcmillinNathanielWaggjvctinterestingdanjakegunstMitchellCurtissHenryPoznanski
    • 1,780
    • RETWEETS
    RainmanMcmillinmirpanda07MikeACollierGarrettAdolfjakegunstLike_the_JeansDavidKajinkjinkreborncynic
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    i don't smoke weed because last time i did it i stood in the kitchen and boiled an onion and ate it and the whole process took like 4 hours

    • 3,125
    • FAVS
    C_Longstreetmikeknerr67abbosaurTsetse_flyShaeAMcapitaljizzmJCMorrison74hear_it_here
    • 1,257
    • RETWEETS
    pensbenderkeegsdasneakhear_it_herescotttlearyPogsLikerThatNerdgencosminautthesamsheldon
    SteveDutzy
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    did you see the @gofundme where awful people are literally rewarding darren wilson with cash for killing a black guy pic.twitter.com/KLGvLPRaxZ

    • 763
    • FAVS
    glenna_optstefanguimondGuyOnDaTerlitthelittlephrasechrisbarnes5000hipsterscumbagbrubinowDaSalamonder
    • 2,505
    • RETWEETS
    jakegunstLizinBaliMathsHueDan_SalehTrains69Dw_ghtstilliIIelllsbelllls
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    i’m worried that when i am 69 years old i will laugh for an entire year

    • 2,001
    • FAVS
    if_varshelbieleemeyertgerzmichaelcoyotebillyrohRRON_deathtoscumbags
    • 1,102
    • RETWEETS
    KevinCassidyJrbrandonscottaquafreshXTREMEGimmeThaBeckayyanya_keeleighhKirstenTerrillavainmanreal_mids
    iBlayneBrianhopecomedyGriffinrebornmojo_ca
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    do you think any old west guys ever made a poop and then shot the poop with a gun

    • 1,996
    • FAVS
    AlisonBukiksaw_lolponyshowBrigitteQuinnnjakegunstDank_Herbert__fuddlemarkrgschaefer
    • 958
    • RETWEETS
    thisisntleroyDank_Herbert__fuddlemarkGrrrbichJRfuckutomLunchaballinCabbagejuicetimlavender_burps__
    constantlyjoshgreenteam15TheAnimePoliceIamEnidColeslawkampsinrad_milkElephartrobdelaney
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    it'd be wise to take an archery class before you die so you can be a skeleton archer. don't end up a rusty sword skeleton if you can help it

    • 1,749
    • FAVS
    mollyguinnjosephbuttonsGrizantoCaptainLuminetchmacdnldSamHallDrawsstoydellSpencerWorley
    • 1,074
    • RETWEETS
    SamHallDrawsmuteboydsherb002fuckutomseaysthedayYungZampkmstk2eHashtagGoku
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    my neck, my back, my pizza and my snacks

    • 1,369
    • FAVS
    AdrielVazquez10jewbajewchristinawilderaudreytang13glenna_optMollySneedkellyandcreamkaviar3319
    • 1,203
    • RETWEETS
    fuckutomjewbajewgofastrunThe1stTylerOmegoon_bryan_whatMNoooooodleLaBelleMae
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    god is real and he's waited around for 13.7 billion years to watch you masturbate and get mad about it

    • 1,360
    • FAVS
    RRON_glenna_optPlankfanfuddlemarkethan_laymandeathtoscumbagsBigMoney_MorrowDrewFrogger
    • 979
    • RETWEETS
    patrickeckhartFiaca4HeyOpossumhfuckutomurinarymeatus69MangyhuitzilopochtlaMidnight_Ranter
    poopiestOzymandingus______ThisAlexStein
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    over 7 years ago i added false information to the Manimal wikipedia article. it's still there. pic.twitter.com/do6jcHlinO

    • 1,734
    • FAVS
    ethannublePhilRiethGorillaLibrndbloomvogonGregorStockshipsterbonerMollySneed
    • 484
    • RETWEETS
    PhilRietha_lolbrarianMikeHaunch0TheAmitiekonstamadianosmkglothurinarymeatus69gavinpivott
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    so wait, explain again how “butt dial” is different from “booty call”? it still sounds like i should come over

    • 1,341
    • FAVS
    AdrielVazquez10fuddlemarkethan_laymanYardBarbiedeathtoscumbagsandrewdupontWSingelstadBretLeT
    • 788
    • RETWEETS
    renegadeDADrewFroggerhrdgrdMattsBestTweetsjoeydollazzMacKooliodavidwadesTyPhyter
    OhMattyBoytlemco
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    RT @samuelrahsaan: Last time I hooped in Moore Gym I was guarding a dude with no socks on and he did a spin move and a smashed Mcdouble fel…

    • 4
    • FAVS
    glenna_optPopeJohn69onlinernetPaperWash
    • 2,071
    • RETWEETS
    harrisonvcAvatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    Wow a guy on the train just got up and said "Remember rugrats. Remember the 90s" and now we're all standing up clapping and cheering for him

    • 1,290
    • FAVS
    dirkwalkerashwinpandeNathanielWaggRRON_kcajnhojsam_ettweinKAMSConfessionsBring_Napkins
    • 725
    • RETWEETS
    Flonk2NunnBettaMarcdachampteodranikaishu_sashwinpandeaquafreshXTREMEedmundgeorge
    slimepukematthandlersux
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    correct me if i’m wrong but did i just invent chess on twitter:

    rkbqzbkr
    pppppppp
    ========
    ========
    ========
    ========
    PPPPPPPP
    RKBQZBKR

    • 895
    • FAVS
    KAMSConfessionsjacnarjglenna_optgoobieleexurxomartinezNonfatMikestefanguimondParentNormal
    • 1,025
    • RETWEETS
    aquafreshXTREMEGregorStocksstefanguimondericaronsonJared_haywood2danizwatermelonmeath__c__r
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    it would be pretty badass if people never stopped growing and old people were like 30 feet tall. anyway thanks for coming to my TED talk

    • 1,249
    • FAVS
    AlisonBukiMikeACollierNathanielWaggsam_ettweinTrustInTristinrafaeljg_blackkdanWSingelstad
    • 647
    • RETWEETS
    HubrisSonicjalefkowitMikeACollieraquafreshXTREMEBTrue1820krjohn01SeanFitzpaddykbloggins
    gspelsDrewFitz
@fart

@fart

silicon valley's most influential thought leader. @devops badboy

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