i bought a 30 pack of condoms and they expire in 2016. i’m crunching the numbers here and it’s not looking good

here it is. my favorite. this one is my favorite. pic.twitter.com/3Lwj3sAY2U

wait, THESE are pistachios? i’ve been calling them wood clams

do you think any old west guys ever made a poop and then shot the poop with a gun

i saw an ad on craigslist once that said “free firewood, u collect it” so i wrote the guy and said “bud you just wrote an ad for the woods”

my neck, my back, my pizza and my snacks

i’m worried that when i am 69 years old i will laugh for an entire year

god is real and he's waited around for 13.7 billion years to watch you masturbate and get mad about it

Wow a guy on the train just got up and said "Remember rugrats. Remember the 90s" and now we're all standing up clapping and cheering for him

“all my exes live in t-rexes” -popular caveman thing to say

extreme jesus died on the motocross

we NEED to put god back in our public schools. (so he can learn a thing or two about science, contraception, evolution, equal rights, etc)

are you over age 24? Lou Bega had already recorded and released Mambo #5 by that age. what have you done with your life you loser

2 CATS 2 CURIOUS

it would be pretty badass if people never stopped growing and old people were like 30 feet tall. anyway thanks for coming to my TED talk

Mitt is joined onstage by his sons Tutt, Blip, Cron, Grot, Plum, Tinn, Beet, and Ruse

All the good men are either gay, taken, or two dogs standing on top of each other wearing a trenchcoat

"Good /
Good Sand /
Good Sand Wich" -me eating while listening to Du Hast

“Four Coors and Seven Beers Ago” -Abe Drinkin’

*puts AAA batteries on checkout stand, brain says ‘Don’t say it’s for a pube trimmer, don’t say pube trimmer’* These are for a pube trimmer