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  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    i bought a 30 pack of condoms and they expire in 2016. i’m crunching the numbers here and it’s not looking good

    • 3,789
    • FAVS
    BrentforbrainsFYU411K_Drydenhella_exhaustedaKhalifa101Cam_DogmegatronthemostBonjohh
    • 2,593
    • RETWEETS
    BrentforbrainsMichaelTFHDickDankstardlyMNXVIII_69TantaClausPlankfancatherineelmsevan__forever
    bloptPlaying_DadHome_HalfwaypartiallyproElColonelCortezsomeofmybest_correctomundoIamEnidColeslaw
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    i saw an ad on craigslist once that said “free firewood, u collect it” so i wrote the guy and said “bud you just wrote an ad for the woods”

    • 2,779
    • FAVS
    tylermcjunkin26KrisIsInBlightyryanhortonwaynebratton1aKhalifa101Gr3yZer0LordDoddzayedk88
    • 1,356
    • RETWEETS
    tylermcjunkin26timmywirtzwaynebratton1chloeram0necatherine14346ZackMerritt5georaffeskehova
    greenteam15Home_Halfwaypudding_clubtlemcoBassoonJokesTheFearBoners____KampSinloveletterbombsrobfee
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    wait, THESE are pistachios? i’ve been calling them wood clams

    • 2,219
    • FAVS
    Genevieve0404aKhalifa101EdgarAllanLoasimpleseanJake_is_bAtmAnjacksonplongCynicFalloutEricjamesmeyer
    • 1,205
    • RETWEETS
    BrentforbrainsCrillMatthewLinLorienelenKateSmolinskiKathleenSmithhhLord_Gowmary__coalarklingon
    earfdaeduplicitronHome_HalfwayGregDorrisLunarmayorUpturnedBathtubedzitronmadamezoobleRowdyBowden
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    kicked out of The Hobbit for shouting “NOW WE’RE TOLKIEN” every time something happened

    • 2,197
    • FAVS
    FYU411aKhalifa101megatronthemostpeasbreadGospodin_CamiloBonjohhHunterHoltroplbpetersen
    • 1,205
    • RETWEETS
    dunndunndunnMatt_FrackOoohToBeAGunneralfabravoteamAFC_CameronBonjohhDeege5GhostofBebop
    philyuck
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    do you think any old west guys ever made a poop and then shot the poop with a gun

    • 1,959
    • FAVS
    BrentforbrainsaKhalifa101freezoid400chuchugoogoomegatronthemostashmcdoDanCoolMoonGuyDrDweezil
    • 949
    • RETWEETS
    WhiteyBolgerDanCoolMoonGuyLaraRegimejimmah120swag_diSPENCERConnor_BrandtDemianJohnstonDickScurvy
    Constantlyjoshgreenteam15TheAnimePoliceIamEnidColeslawKampSinrad_milkElephartrobdelaney
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    i’m worried that when i am 69 years old i will laugh for an entire year

    • 1,512
    • FAVS
    aKhalifa101rdc1978julianajones89jkerrigannnLOLGOPmegatronthemostBonjohhbrianaoconnor
    • 897
    • RETWEETS
    BrentforbrainsAntDiPalmakylekrajDrDweezilMikeHaunch0KatieDx33relatable90skiddmutati
    iBlayneBrianhopecomedyGriffinrebornmojo_ca
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    my neck, my back, my pizza and my snacks

    • 1,217
    • FAVS
    aKhalifa101megatronthemostCalebHorvathjaswainCantbeTAYmedDanCoolMoonGuyvideocrimeTheColeBurton
    • 1,142
    • RETWEETS
    AntDiPalmaillmatic_onesDanCoolMoonGuyvideocrimeTheColeBurtonEllani_Bellem00dypandajareddejour
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    god is real and he's waited around for 13.7 billion years to watch you masturbate and get mad about it

    • 1,329
    • FAVS
    aKhalifa101tylersnotes_magowanZach_with_a_kRyanLaRichemegatronthemostCalebHorvathPlankySmith
    • 963
    • RETWEETS
    BennyAnticsDanCoolMoonGuycquigs12ethics13DemianJohnstoncashiemayxBerekWrightsleepyflowers_
    poopiestOzymandingus______ThisAlexStein
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    i don't smoke weed because last time i did it i stood in the kitchen and boiled an onion and ate it and the whole process took like 4 hours

    • 1,479
    • FAVS
    ShakethatbooTAYMattPee_Cam_DogtheycallmecablNick_Overmyer14_alyssaclickSGriffith_17tklingel23
    • 657
    • RETWEETS
    MattPee_Cam_DogRyanLaRicheDavosFreezeChoppedPuddlesthornmousemajorgoobscogsy
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    RT @samuelrahsaan: Last time I hooped in Moore Gym I was guarding a dude with no socks on and he did a spin move and a smashed Mcdouble fel…

    • 1
    • FAV
    PaperWash
    • 2,070
    • RETWEETS
    Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48Avatar_unknown_48
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    so wait, explain again how “butt dial” is different from “booty call”? it still sounds like i should come over

    • 1,285
    • FAVS
    corindadanaedanielle8967FYU411CasenLewisCam_DogBonjohhDK_AD_brianaoconnor
    • 771
    • RETWEETS
    FYU411Cam_DogCapoe126Drew_NesDK_AD_smashfactoryBennyAnticsoldsaggytwits
    OhMattyBoytlemco
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    correct me if i’m wrong but did i just invent chess on twitter:

    rkbqzbkr
    pppppppp
    ========
    ========
    ========
    ========
    PPPPPPPP
    RKBQZBKR

    • 878
    • FAVS
    aKhalifa101BonjohhtschmiedlSavMcIntyrebrianaoconnormichael_carter2SteveDutzyDemianJohnston
    • 1,021
    • RETWEETS
    h__c__rwhatsanovenjpleboeufoutofmyplanetTheTechChatmicahsb_DerNilsAzarus
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    Wow a guy on the train just got up and said "Remember rugrats. Remember the 90s" and now we're all standing up clapping and cheering for him

    • 1,220
    • FAVS
    aKhalifa101Cam_Doghells_noPlankySmithbrianaoconnorDanCoolMoonGuyfishtillyouwinTotal_Badass
    • 679
    • RETWEETS
    Dan_SalehDanCoolMoonGuywhatsanovenStixlyboileau123BeccaNydamIVHarrisonPugh1ChuckManMeat
    slimepukematthandlersux
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    it would be pretty badass if people never stopped growing and old people were like 30 feet tall. anyway thanks for coming to my TED talk

    • 1,205
    • FAVS
    aKhalifa101Cam_DogBonjohhfat_sacks_Travsn_i_k_k_i__agrlsdemsugartoterssJustHominiuk
    • 628
    • RETWEETS
    BrentforbrainsKnop917AndrewHasCatsGringoXavElisabethHirschVladChitucTonyLakeydeanmroth
    gspelsDrewFitz
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    my dream job is to be the FBI guy who nicknames criminals. someone blew up a fish market? Tunabomber. easy.

    • 986
    • FAVS
    FYU411aKhalifa101Cam_DogBonjohhPlankySmithDrDweezilBobTheSuitTotal_Badass
    • 536
    • RETWEETS
    whatsanovensomecleverthingMikeHaunch0CubiekartCopaseticSoulzYour_M0MsNikatNiteNiteOldUncleDaveO
    JohnASinclair
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    extreme jesus died on the motocross

    • 873
    • FAVS
    FYU411julianajones89brandnameheroTheFauxtagoniststurllyBonjohhDanCoolMoonGuyDrDweezil
    • 567
    • RETWEETS
    _strangeLadyAntDiPalmaRyanLaRicheDanCoolMoonGuyholly_eckcurtis_mortonJuggsMastormaddyhawthorn
    tlemcoJeremiahLee
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    “all my exes live in t-rexes” -popular caveman thing to say

    • 657
    • FAVS
    sweetg35t0shibaaKhalifa101BonjohhjustkramersmashfactoryjmlaveyDrDweezil
    • 688
    • RETWEETS
    aKhalifa101DrDweezilpassthetac0sfavstar_historyJuggsMastorLarryDump44asliceofkimboSer_Edwards
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    are you over age 24? Lou Bega had already recorded and released Mambo #5 by that age. what have you done with your life you loser

    • 650
    • FAVS
    FYU411t0shibaaKhalifa101PlankySmithslooberbiejmlaveyfishtillyouwinTotal_Badass
    • 670
    • RETWEETS
    aKhalifa101PlankySmithDinostampedeSteveDutzytitulotentativodanternet_fgb_sherlockgiventofly41
    SteveDutzy
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    ⊂_ヽ
      \\ Λ_Λ
       \( ˇωˇ) 
        > ⌒ヽ
       /   へ\
       /  / \\
     🍆レ ノ   ヽ_つ
      / /
      / /|
     ( (ヽ
     | |、\
     | 丿 \ ⌒)
     | |  ) /
    `ノ )  Lノ
    (_/

    • 987
    • FAVS
    AntJKCCOLOLPhilliessenderblock23brubinowGeorgieConwaySirEugeneYTfaggoymiguelCalebHorvath
    • 302
    • RETWEETS
    faggoymiguelbloodyallenDryonuelydrcafeconchrissypaelizszGabbsZ_Nayyarpshesso_country
  • fart
      jon hendren @fart

    we NEED to put god back in our public schools. (so he can learn a thing or two about science, contraception, evolution, equal rights, etc)

    • 787
    • FAVS
    aKhalifa101julianajones89jkerrigannnemilypostpunkBonjohhPlankySmitholdsaggytwitsDrDweezil
    • 500
    • RETWEETS
    AntDiPalmanicolini_dmichael_carter2DrewLogslotterhouserdadVelmaBryukF______________ALT_DAD__
    zachheltzeljimography
@fart

@fart

beautiful... kind... a sight to behold. ohh yahhh #ThatsJonBaby #PussyFalcon