My new hobby is screaming "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT!?" at waiters that I didn't order food from.

I swear I'm not drunk/high when I tweet. I'm just a fucking wierdo

Sometimes when I get mad in real life I'll say,"asdfghjkl."

@pimpbillclinton #8 wouldn't he be scared that it would snap off?

All my tweets that suck are written in mid-piss.

Masturbating is great at improving your ability to make funny faces.

Ever had it where you hate somebody but then they start making wookie noises and you realize that they're awesome?

Apparently when you fuck a virgin a cherry pops out so like is it edible or what

GUYS WHAT IF AC/DC WAS ACTUALLY CALLED AB/CD WOULDN'T THAT BE HILARIOUS

Apparently giving my neighbours kids the GENIUS advice to shave their pubes as soon as they start coming in is "inappropriate". WTF!?

FORCE FEEDING HABAÑERO PEPPERS TO SOME RANDOM BABY LOL #YOLO

The people that always talk about how great Twitter is probably haven't seen the dark side AKA Will Ferrell/Wiz Khalifa parody accounts.

Sometimes I go all the way to Portland with just a yoga mat so I can feel what it's like to fit in.

Ketchup is my nigga

Guys, go follow @hoesbetwatching! You can already tell that he's the coolest person EVER just from his name!

#helpspreadthis Just Launched FB page to help Prevent Child Abuse. Please Help with a "Like" http://t.co/rNXPZNFk #DT @helpspreadthis

Yes. RT @bloatedseal is it true that @kattwillferrell was on your bed and you put your hand in Katt Williams and Will Ferrells pants?

@kattwillferrell please unfollow me. Your tweets suck and even though I've never actually met you i already know that I hate you.

@showerthinker @kipum I'm definitely getting this for my birthday.

@das_beard #beardcall