i just want to be loved creepily and unconditionally at a safe distance by someone who knows absolutely nothing about me.

chicago sext: i'm glad you didn't get shot.

no good teacher has ever been paid what they were worth.

 http://match.com  but for missing socks.

bring me hangover food, then we will watch labyrinth and spoon and plot out a three-way marriage with jennifer connelly.

timing may be the greatest, most underrated force in existence.

i requested radiohead. she said no. i can never love her.

i'm just a boy standing in front of a girl asking for a fair warning before she rips his heart out.

hip hop didn't invent misogyny. this fact doesn't absolve us of accountability for perpetuating it but it's important to remember.

think good thoughts for every place where people are being harmed.

pro-tip: don't.

i think i may have finally met someone more arrogant than me but she doesn't have the good sense to temper it with a humorous self-loathing.

the average man experiences 0.000672 threesomes in his lifetime and 0.00000000005 heartfelt apologies from women other than his mother.

current relationship status: i often misread the word married as worried.

is it still a subtweet if you text the person to tell them you subtweeted them?

is this sub-subtweet?

patron saint of cockblocking myself for the better of society as a whole.

current relationship status: over-analyzing words played in words with friends games with strange women for evidence of sexual tension.

skipped the debate to finish a song about selling coke to white folks. god bless our dying right to make political statements as we see fit.

who wants to eat chinese food and watch well written movies about doomed relationships with me?

i could really use some handholding right now.