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Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
No matter how good she looks, someone somewhere is tired of her shit
Condoms prevent minivans....
I'm also available in sober
Is it cool to run my fingers thru my doctors hair when he's checking my balls?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes to fuck
My doctor told me to stop masturbating, I asked "why"? She said, "I'm trying to examine you"!
So when ya pull anal beads out do ya gently pull or do ya put your foot on her ass and pull like you're starting a chainsaw?
So when a hot chick stars one of my tweets it means they want to sleep with me right?
The Twitter gods are angry...we must sacrifice a virgin...what? Looks like we're all fucked!
Her: breasts or legs?
Me: actually I perfer pussy
Her: sir...this is KFC and you're holding up the line.
Fact.... If she doesn't laugh at my jokes it's a pretty good chance she's not gonna like me jizzin on her face later
I'm gonna ask my neighbor if I can borrow some vagina
It's true...work is a 4 letter word! Today was a real clocksucker
My Aunt texted me that they got a new puppy.... I replied "show me some pussy pics!" stupid Autocorrect! PUPPY PUPPY PUPPY GODDAMNIT! FML!
I bet if I had awesome tits or a great ass I'd have more followers...
Sometimes I lay in my yard using my boner as a sundial to show the ladies it's time for the sex to happen.
I've got this cool compass in my pants that points me to hot chicks. It's never failed me unless I'm really really drunk.
If ya don't whistle when Guns n Roses "Patience" comes on I don't want to know you
Ya can't drink all day if ya don't start in the morning!
I like poetry, long walks on a beach and poking dead things with a stick