Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Listen baby, I'm sorry. It's not you, it's-a-me. MARIO! No, but seriously this relationship is over.
I'm posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they're making ceramic bowls.
I have this theory that McDonald's hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That's why they're always hiring.
I hit a little girl on a tricycle, and when I got out to exchange insurance info she just laid there. It's like, come on... don't be a dick.
Who's the fax machine player in Skrillex?
I keep my friends close, but I keep my enemy's toaster... seriously, not giving that shit back.
Mortal Kombat was responsible for so many violent attacks from people with the ability to shoot lightning out of their hands.
My dad took me to a boxing gym when I was 13. I don't think he liked when I started using the punching bags to practice hugs.
50 Shades of Grey, Magic Mike... what an exciting time to be a woman.
It's difficult to tell who's on meth, and who's just really excited about Walmart's everyday low prices.
America is the Texas of the world.
What chapter of the bible has the spells?
If we're speaking literally, a sausage party sounds incredible.
I want a pegasus. I don't care if I have to guide the eagle penis into the horse vagina myself.
Steven Tyler looks like a Real Housewife of Chernobyl.
Michael J. Fox is probably the Jimi Hendrix of the tambourine.
I emerge from the bushes way more than the average person.
43% of Americans don't know how to read. Even more alarming is that 79% know how to Dougie.
Funny Or Die 15 Comics You Should Follow. Ellen. SiriusXM. Article writer for @pointsincase. Member of @CigarCityComedy. I shot my way out my mom dukes.