Those 2 bags of silicone you have hanging off of your chest sure are attractive, luv

Made up Word of the Day:

Hellatio.

I forgot how pretty you aren't

Glad I'm not paying the gas bill for that fucking Olympic flame,

Oh hang on a minute..

I'm a taxpayer... Cunts, turn it off

I'm fluent in fuck you.

Sometimes I wish there was a word stronger than love to express what I feel for you.

I think my liver is having a heart attack!

I'll call my male friends "babe" because I'll probably be fucking a woman later, so I can.

If your marriage is dead, don't stay for the sake of the kids. Be happy around the kids & they'll shine through better than the both of you.

I am in a mood today. Not sure if I want to fuck, fight or fuck shit up.

My Snuggie is sleeveless.

Because: Bad-Ass

Dear new people on twitter, no we do not sleep.

Show me a truly happy person and I'll show you a person with a nightstand full of pill bottles.

If you're fat and in a gym someone is taking a picture of you and posting it on the internet right now. SAY CHEESE GORGONZOLA ASS.

Most problems can be solved with a rational and mature approach.

Failing that, setting fire to stuff works quite well too.

Not going to lie, it would make me happy

To see a few of you on the side of milk cartons

If you've never blasted Disney Channel hits while singing every single word as loud as possible w/your kiddos- step it the fuck up, parents.

Lawyer up baby!!

Always get it in writing!!

I've always wanted to be in a movie where I play myself. Videoing myself with my iPhone playing with myself will have to do.

I'm tired of the star fucking. I want dinner and a godamn movie.